I stumbled I to this shit backwards and before I knew anything I was chest deep and sinking. I am a fairly intelligent girl and can see how far I have travelled into this disordered land where I am at the center and the rest of the forcefield is a food filled bubble. Family and the rest of the world are a distant blur.
And then there are holidays where family is right in front of me and I [drink copious amount of champagne and] talk to them. Most of the conversation is rather arbitrary. Tonight it got deep. Like I was fighting off crying like a 2 month old deep because shit hit a nerve.
I've told my mom and Sis about the bulimia situation before but more than 2 years have past and I'm not sure that they think of it as any more than a phase that is in the past. My mom and Sis are not educated or anything and they have some difficulty sympathizing with issues that they have no experience with. They also have this illusion that I'm super smart and strong and can do anything I set my mind to... Like getting over bulimia maybe?
Course we all know in this small corner of the blogosphere that is not the case. And now I'm pretty certain that this is not the case with my family. One in particular. A cousin that is 5 years my senior and teaching high schoolers did some research on EDs after being confronted with a girls dealing with them and other addictions.
We got into a talk tonight that end up A Talk (ifyaknowwhatamsayin). She said I need to talk to someone, I see her logic, but sadly that is just not how our economy and culture work. I don't have health insurance...I have like bills and shit to pay. The last thing I'm thinking of spending money on is to talk to somebody. I need a job.
In the world it's get a job so you can live not save your mental health. As long as you are sane enough to hold a job and take a shower a couple times a week America dont give a fuck. Oh your crying on the inside cuz shit doesn't go your way? Walk-no-eat it off. Not happy? Nobody is really happy, whatevs, just pay your bills and it won't get worse. In the human sense we all know that a person who is content or not unhappy fairs better but in America priority 1 is pay your bills.
I digress, my cousin can see clearly that I have body dismorphia and am depressed. Also that I've got manlike issues with food...not sure is she realizes or not that I'm bulimic but whatever. There is enough suspicion there that if she doesn't already know she figure out soon enough.
I'm scared. I liked believing that nobody knew. Our convo was out in the open too so I'm not sure what people caught on to or if they even cared but....it's still uncomfortable. This disposition is weak and pathetic and I am ashamed.
I want to be a healthy person but I'm just not sure that person is in me anymore. That ship has sailed and I'm left here stranded at the docks all alone.
Digression city anybody? You found it. Basically the conversation was upsetting and makes me want to avoid my entire family for the rest of my life! Or at least until I cam be a normal person. Which is basically in like 13 lifetimes from now so I guess that would make my next 12 life's in like china or Antarctica. Y'know someplace Mexican-Americans aren't interested in traveling to.
In other news I saw my ex boyfriend and that sucked cuz he's a hoodlum as loser and I have zero respect for him....basically I'm just mad at myself for even going for him in the first place cuz like...whoa Desperation City? Maybe. And bad fucking judge of character. I am such a stupid girl on so many levels. I couldn't even look at him. And I didn't cuz I'm not tryin to straight through up in front of people thats not cool. Instead I just smoked my cig (first one in year or two...or three?) and looked in the other direction like those lame ass trees down the street were unicorns that I had never seen before in my life.
It's a good thing I've got sarcasm and champagne or I'dov suicided outta this life already.
Wait. IS that a "good" thing? I just don't know.
PS this lost is the product of some bottles of champagne. So if it doesnt make sense drunk a whole bunch and reassess....or just drink some and you'll no linger give a shit and the word "sense" will be right along with "fart" when you were in the first grade and you'll just giggle and drunk some more. Either way.
PPS note in the PS that bottles is plural and I said some.
Sent from my iPhone.
Its kind of funny how ed becomes life over everything else.
ReplyDeleteI can't imagine a real relationship with my fam like I used to have because I'm always deceiving them.