Saturday, October 2, 2010


No matter what we do time moves forward. This seems to be a big issue for my mind; time. I read a quote on another blog.
"Everyday is a new opportunity to make new decisions."
I read that quote in class and realized that by reading blogs while I my full attention should have been on the movie we were watching that I was making a wrong decision. I read the quote several times over and turned a page in my notebook and began to write (nothing groundbreaking; I was sober). In the class immediately following the teacher was telling us how if we are not studying, we are wasting our tuition dollars. If we are not being assertive with our education than we may find the transition from community college to university all the more difficult.

Though I learn and get a lot from class (blog reading is only when the teacher is not actively teaching) I am nearly wasting my tuition dollar. I will find the transition to a University difficult. I am slacking. I cannot bring myself to write what is required, only when I am down to the last desperate minutes do I perform (and the performance is lackluster, at best). I want to write a great paper, hell, even a good paper would suffice. I want to be a good group member and contribute. Again and again my thoughts do not become actions.

My brain is a fickle fuck. When I am not thinking or learning of anything it craves learning. When I have the opportunity to learn I focus my attention elsewhere, on something more trivial like FB games (friend me I need more "It Girls" in my clique & neighbors to Farm, you harvest my crops I harvest yours? Or challenge me at Tetris, I'm a "Contender") or b/p'ing; keeping myself in limbo. I do enough to not fail, but not so much to where I can succeed.

My attitude towards life is worse than the one for school. I actually like learning. I don't care much for living. "Everyday is a new opportunity to make new decisions." Everyday, in my life, is just another day. I place no stock in today. I find that everyday I seem to make just about the same decisions as the previous day and think that I'll start tomorrow, or Monday, or the beginning of the month.

October 1st has come and gone and now it's almost 3am on the 2nd. I binged badly twice and half assed a couple of vom sessions. I did not exercise. I did not complete any homework. I did not respond to my friends when they texted me. I did not mingle when my family was over. Basically, today was the same as yesterday, and practically everyday the past few months. I am simply existing and going through the motions. My life is like a 3 day game of Monopoly, it is 3am and I just keep rolling the dice when it's my turn and hope soon this hamster wheel of a game–of a life–will just be over already. Or magic will happen I'll land on Free Parking get a boatload of money and my opponent will sell me prime real estate for less than half of it's worth. And then I'll go to the Monopoly Plastic Surgery center and get lipo, boobs, a new face, and a brain transplant. Then I'll go shop to excess, and be the 'It Girl' at all kinds of fun parties, and then I'll retire to pretty farm (with a winery!) and look up at the moon and stars and...and...just smile. The kind of smile that is with every organ, every cell in my body purely joyous.

Is that shit even possible? Is it even possible to be happy mind, body, and spirit? It's starting to be a concept that I can't even imagine. Even my daydreams seems lackluster these days. On the rare occasion that I do feel something/anything in my dreams, when I wake up I seem to be twice as miserable. What's happening to me? This is not a life. There are so many people who want to live and are dying, and here I am hating my existence.

My mom called me today telling me how she was buying me health insurance. My insurance through her expired yesterday because I'm too old. I did not ask her she just did it. She said that since I was paying for my schooling that she would pay for my health insurance. It's nice of her; caring. Can you believe I am not happy about this? There goes my excuse to not visit the doctors. There is the insurance that will do what it can to make me live, whether I choose to or not. There lies the guilt of wanting to die and my mom wanting so desperately for me to be well. There lies the guilt of my mom paying for something that she should not have to (that I don't even want).  There lies the feelings of failure that I am 25 and I am not independent. The fact that my disordered mind is tearing me away from... life.

Time passes and each minute that goes is gone. What will it take for me to make take that new opportunity; make that new decision, and step out of this hamster wheel. And with each passing minute I think why bother now when too minutes have already passed me by. What makes today any more special than yesterday? There is always tomorrow.


  1. I'm also similar with education. I crave mental stimulation almost constantly but it seems when ever the chance arrives to satiate that I just give up or shut off. I feel like this giant contradiction and I seem to want eveything for nothing and even when I come to terms with the fact that that's just not possible I always say to myself "well you can work on that later".
    I love your posts and the fact that you actually talk about your thoughts. I like that you talk about how your eating disorder affects your life rather than just the need to be thin (which is understandable but depressingly repetitive and not something I can't think of by myself). I wish I knew about more blogs like yours especially when I've reached a point where I care more about how eating disorders affects someones life and thoughts rather than their body specifically. Please don't stop blogging and I hope I haven't offended anyone.

  2. This comment has been removed by the author.

  3. You are really deep :)
    I have moments like that too.
    Sorry I didn't have time to read the whole post, but I love ya!!
    Good luck with everything :D

  4. *Yoinks quote*

    Thank you so much for that.


    P.S. Watch your ass in tetris, I'm coming to get you!

  5. I love your writing SO much.

  6. I love that clock. I used to have a real one of that on my wall. No idea where it went (I'm a hoarder - things vanish inexplicably).

    I think a lot of us are the same with learning/education. I love learning, but I definitely slack off in school. I think I learn more on my own than I do in a classroom, but that's probably not the best attitude to take with me into school. :/

    That was nice of your mummy! I used to be on dad's insurance and it was supposed to stop for the same reason - when I got too old. Instead, he just took me off his plan and never told me. I went 6 months with no health insurance (and no idea), and now because of that, my coverage SUCKS. Particularly with the insanity and insomnia - Horizon has told me that in no uncertain terms will they pay for anything related to my madness or sleep problems, because they are pre-existing conditions. So I juse send daddy-dearest copies of the medical bills and my bank statements.

    I'm 26 and still pretty dependent on mummy. 'Tis the mark of a good Catholic daughter. Or just the legacy of our generation. We were not properly prepared for credit cards.


  7. Same here, gods you've said exactly what I've been thinking lately, and so perfectly too. I wish I could believe in that fantasy future life the best case scenario seems like a change in my meds.

    And don't get me started on "education." I'm worse than you in that not only *can't* I focus but I sort of refuse to.. I'm so sick of people telling me how I should learn and how I should live and how I should feel. Maybe that's the problem you know? It's not us; it's them ;)


(or e-mail: