Wednesday, October 20, 2010

It's like a jungle sometimes it makes me wonder how I keep from going under

uh hah hah ha ha.

Remember that last post? All positive outlooks and uplifting? Me neither. But from you're super sweet comments I gather that the content was not in the drug through the mud mood. Have no fear I'm full of cheers! As in, clinking wine glasses "cheers" not that happy crap. Wine and whine, that's how I do. One or the other or both. The non-solids diet didn't last very long... and oh look who's back! Back again. Vomming is back. Tell a friend. DAMNIT! How'm I gunnah quitchyew? I just don't know.

Today, like most days, was bad in the eating arena. A friend from class came over to study for our upcoming exam and drink wine. Yes, that's how we roll. Winos unite! She came over around 3 and left at... 11? I was thinking our study sesh would be more brief. We study drink a bottle, MAYBE eat some snacks so we don't fall off our chairs, my mom would be home near 5:30 she'd leave around 6. I'd work out, do some more shit for other classes and sleep dreaming about doing inappropriate things to the men in the latest Cosmo Bachelors spread. And to all a good night.

A tub of hummus, a bag of veggies, a bag of pita chips, and a pizza later all I was thinking of was if it was too late to purge. All this and wine. All this, wine, and the eggwhite sandwhich (200) and veggies (100?) that were breakfast, AND the pumpkin cheese smoothie and almonds  AND cheese sandwich (135).

Oh yeah, and there was the sample of pumpkin muffin that I had at Trader Joe's.

I want to be healthy and thin gawdamnit! My actions clearly show that I do not want it bad enough?

All of me is at a constant tug of war. I know that healthy and thin is possible and achievable. I have been trying to eat a balanced diet but the size of my body pushes my brain towards irrational thoughts. Less would be better, it will think. And it pushes further, reminding me again of my body size and reminiscing of the food I have consumed, the calories that I have stacked against me. Vom and lessen that number. And since you are going to vom anyway may as well eat more. It won't count. It's like throwing the food in the trash except you'll actually get to taste it. It will be less of a waste.




I have this crazy mentality with food. A compulsion that I have to eat it now. Right now. Not tomorrow. Not later. NOW! All of it. But that is what it is, a mentality. Mental. It's all in my head. I crave the future. Not just with food but with life. I hate now. I hate this moment. I hate myself and my life right now.

I went to my academic counsellor and I realize I am not going to be ready to transfer until Spring of 2012. I'm 25 guys. I'm old for school as it is. But it is worth it. I'm trying to accept that I'm going to be in school until at least thirty. Let's hope I'm finished by 40. Seriously, pray for me or something.

I'm wining and whining down now..... it's sleepy time. Maybe I'll wake up tomorrow and me and my life will be what I want it to be...  Do you ever just wonder how the hell you managed to survive this long?


  1. I do sometimes stop in amazement at the fact that I'm still alive. Although that is debatable in itself. None have yet managed to find my pulse without the aid of a trained medical professional (Low blood pressure).

    You slipped up. It happens. I tried quitting painkillers and I'm right back where I started. >:( But we can beat it!!! Just have to keep trying, right?


  2. keep trying, keep working towards what you want and one day you will wake up and your life will be exactly what you want least that is what I keep telling myself while I feel like my world is falling apart...

  3. You know what completely turned me off from purging? I found out (via a doctor) that when you purge after a binge, you still retain up to 70% of the calories consumed.

    So, if you purge you lose 30%, not too bad... but if you do it after a BINGE you've still consumed a ridiculous amount of calories. yikes.

  4. There is nothing wrong with wining and whining. I do it all the time :) Just be happy you're going to school. I'd kill to be back in school, to have that kind of flexibility in my life. Ride the wave until you're 40. Such is life. Do good in school, kid. If you're fabulously wealthy with a wonderful job and a degree being thin and beautiful will just come naturally :)

    xoxo Emily

  5. It's weird, I feel the same way about food when I C & S...I masticated and trashcanned a piece of pizza at work yesterday (almost got caught) and I just kept thinking: I have to taste this food because it's a waste if it gets thrown away with out being tasted!

    Do you feel like you want to be thin because you HAVE to be thin? As though you're obligated to be thin in order to be happy/successful/fulfilled?

    Or do you want to be thin because you like it better?

    I think sometimes the pressure feeling like you *must* do something or be a certain way creates a pendulum in our behaviors where we swing as far as we can toward AND away from our goal because our goal polarizes our emotions. We resent the goal. We want the goal. We hate the goal. We love the goal. We're sure we can reach it. We're convinced we'll never make it.

    The internal conflict leads to behavior conflicts that increase the guilt feelings which keep the pendulum swinging.

    What if you could find a way to make being thin a less emotionally volatile pursuit? Would it maybe decrease the tension?

    ANYWAY WIFEYBUNZ, we both already know that Yandel is the cure for everything.

  6. first off humus is the ultimate drug for me and my family! i swear we LIVE off of it! YUMMY!!!!!!!!!! but i know wat u mean on the 'not wanting it bad enough' but u do, its when u start to doubt urself that u binge, u have that little sliver of slef doubt and u just cave in and BINGE ur heart out, its terrible and takes a lot to say no. but for the wine, im with u on that! i love to drink wine but i gave it up b/c of the empty cals, if ur looking for alochol with little cals straight shots of 80 proof stuff is only 60 cals for 1 oz. :P

    i really hope that u stay strong and feel better and happier and cheery and all the joy in the world ccomes to u!

    -sincerely your friend happiness <3, everyone needs some happiness in their lives ;)


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