Saturday, July 10, 2010

Vacay-shunning myself

Alone for the 2nd night in a row in a hotel room whilst my family is out drinking and enjoying each others company. I'm here out of town because quite a few people spent the past couple of weeks doing their best to convince me, trying as they could to appease my every worry. I'm here alone in this room of my own choosing. Last night dinner was at a seafood buffet so thankfully, my vegetarianism got me out of that mess! Bulimic at a buffet? Sweet jeezus. Tonight dinner was at a mexican restaurant, despite efforts to convince me to go here I sit. My dinner would be paid for. They would have waited for me to get ready. Paid for my cab to come back (I told them I wasn't feeling well). 

All because of calories. I'm still doing the up/down diet. Yesterday, I ate nearly over 2300 calories. Today the damage is roughly 521. Each drink is about 100 or more calories and in a family of alcoholics? 1/2 my calories today was from alcohol. Which isn't too bad...except for the whole anti-social bit. As much as I hate that I'm being anti-social, I know I would hate being out. I would hate myself for every bite, every drink...uncomfortable in every movement I make because I'm fat. My clothes are ripping at the seems (and not in the fashionable sense). And I would be too self conscious and too self-loathing to have any sort of actual fun. I would end up being a downer on the whole night.

All because I'm fat.
All because I have to try weird diets because I'm fat.

There were most definitely times today when I wanted to cave and just have something. Maybe I'll just have 1200 cals today... maybe I just won't count the calories in the alcohol... I didn't cave because that's how I got this fat to begin with. Enough with the "maybe" and "tomorrow for sure."

Today. Today is what counts. The upside to this diet is that I can ease my mind by reminding myself that tomorrow I can eat. And as long as I eat smart, being nutritious and balance, that the urge to binge won't happen.

Think thin TODAY everyone!


  1. The calories in drinks are fucking demons. It won't make us full or satisfied, but it sure as hell will make us just as fat as food will.

    As for being anti-social, I know all about that. It's a double-edged sword no matter how you look at it. You're bummed and you want to be alone, but you're bummed because you're alone. You're so convinced you're going to be miserable anyway that you just cut out the middle man and stay where you are. I do it constantly, even when I'm in a good mood. Does that make me a bitch? Hmm...

    If you saw in the mirror what I see in your writing, then I know you'd be a happy camper :)


  2. There are always healthy options at restaurants. You can go out and pick the best thing you can find, then eat half of it and have the waitress take away the rest. Mexican food doesn't have to be a disaster.

    Salads with no meat, guacamole tostadas with no cheese, soft chile rellenos with no green chile, chicken tacos with no sour cream or cheese, iced tea with no sugar, vodka and tonic instead of a margarita.

    You can make choices that keep you sane, let you spend time with your family in a food sharing situation and prevent your desire to binge out of deprivation later.

    Really, you can. Go forth and conquer!

  3. It's definitely annoying how dieting makes us be antisocial... I'm sure it's making you feel a bit down, too. Hang in there, hunny. Think of it this way: you're doing really great at reaching you goals! *big hug* Stay strong.


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