Monday, July 19, 2010
My Choice Today
I stepped out of the bathroom while I was brushing my teeth and when I came back into the restroom to spit I was halfway bent over the toilet when I realized, this is not a purge. Funny how quickly bad habits are born so quickly and easily. Funny how that is not funny at all and how I bet you didn't really expect it to be despite the use of the word "funny" because the figure of speech rolls off the tongue so often that it has lost all of its meaning.
Thank you all for your comments. You are right in that my actions do reinforce my Thought Monsters and also in that I should do what makes me happy. However, since my Happy seems to always come with a warm side roll of self loathing with a saucy glaze of Secrets I suppose for now I'm opting for the less fattening dish.
Bulimia doesn't quite mean what it use to for me. I am numb to it. Kind of like the men that work on dairy farms aren't affected by the smell of cow shit. Not that it smells good or bad, it just is, it's part of the job. Basically, I'm a fickle little bitch. Right now I feel like, "Fuck it, this is how I'm rollin' right now" and maybe tomorrow I'll feel like, "omg! why did I ever start this mess!"
I find it interesting that when I just accept how I feel about something, it really doesn't bother me so much anymore. I am bulimic and I don't like it but right now it's working for me. It calms me. Perhaps tomorrow it won't but who knows what else tomorrow may bring? (No really, answer me! If you know a good psychic don't hold out on me!)
Today I went to school and I wasn't wearing my usually hoodie to cover up because even though my pants are not the size that I would like them to be, they fit again.
I like it better this way.