Sunday, March 28, 2010

The Lightbulb is Lit

I do well and lose weight and then I get to a point where I don't hate what I see in the mirror completely and stop the little exercises and eat more.  It's like I'm not use to not being absolutely disgusted with my reflection and resort back the nasty habits that made hating myself easier.

It's ridiculous.

Now I'm back to hating myself.  I lifted my dress to check myself out in a mirror that wasn't at home and I was disgusted.  I am grotesque.  I realized in that moment how flattering the lighting in my own home really is and I look disgusting in those too.

I gain and gain, another day then another day and all of a sudden one day I've really gained.  It's like one day my body is finally like, okay, you want to be fat, I get it and then I blow the fuck up.

Today was that day.

I'm so disgusted with myself, I want to cry.  I don't want to eat anything but my body is use to it.  I feel huge.  Enormous.  Bloated.  Blob-like.

I feel numb because when I check into life, I realize what I've been neglecting and it intimidates me.  Too much homework/laundry/mess/fat.  I feel like a failure so I escape inside my mind and lose myself to distractions.

FUCK I'M FAILING. DO SOMETHING FLUSHED! DO SOMETHING NOW! PICK UP THE PIECES AND MAKE SOMETHING HAPPEN. ANYTHING.  THERE IS STILL HOPE.  ALL YOU NEED IS A LITTLE. 

TAKE A STEP.

JUST ONE.

NOW.

5 comments:

  1. you can do it! little steps towards big success. <3

    ReplyDelete
  2. You took the words straight from my mouth. I did something about it this weekend and two days later I'm already seeing results. The first day sucks, but the following are great. Believe you can do it because I know you can!

    ReplyDelete
  3. You can do it beautiful, stay strong! :)<3

    ReplyDelete
  4. Hon, we all go through times like this. Please hang in there. You'll pull through. Force yourself to go for a run or something, and that will help give you momentum to get back to yourself. *hugs*

    ReplyDelete
  5. The journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step. I am fatty too, I have let myself go and we can DO this!

    ReplyDelete

Spill.
(or e-mail: FlushedAgain@gmail.com)