Sunday, March 28, 2010
The Lightbulb is Lit
I do well and lose weight and then I get to a point where I don't hate what I see in the mirror completely and stop the little exercises and eat more. It's like I'm not use to not being absolutely disgusted with my reflection and resort back the nasty habits that made hating myself easier.
Now I'm back to hating myself. I lifted my dress to check myself out in a mirror that wasn't at home and I was disgusted. I am grotesque. I realized in that moment how flattering the lighting in my own home really is and I look disgusting in those too.
I gain and gain, another day then another day and all of a sudden one day I've really gained. It's like one day my body is finally like, okay, you want to be fat, I get it and then I blow the fuck up.
Today was that day.
I'm so disgusted with myself, I want to cry. I don't want to eat anything but my body is use to it. I feel huge. Enormous. Bloated. Blob-like.
I feel numb because when I check into life, I realize what I've been neglecting and it intimidates me. Too much homework/laundry/mess/fat. I feel like a failure so I escape inside my mind and lose myself to distractions.
FUCK I'M FAILING. DO SOMETHING FLUSHED! DO SOMETHING NOW! PICK UP THE PIECES AND MAKE SOMETHING HAPPEN. ANYTHING. THERE IS STILL HOPE. ALL YOU NEED IS A LITTLE.
TAKE A STEP.