Friday, March 5, 2010

In the nick of time

Today was not satisfactory but it could have been SO MUCH WORSE!!

My "liquid fast" is more like a "don't consume anything you have to
chew fast." Again, with the baby food. You know how Savory says you
just don't binge on baby food? Well, apparently I have no shame and
my binge addiction surpasses the likes of food made for babies in tiny
little jars and plastic containers. Hell I wouldn't be surprised if a
few plastic lids were compromised in my baby binge haze, they're
probably floating around in gut right now.

I calculated about 1210 calories today. 3 protein shakes @ 130 cals
each is over a quarter of it and the rest was in the form of baby food
and tomato sauce (not just plain-I'm no stranger to the spice rack!)

It could have been much worse. My mom bought bread. BREAD. My arche
nemises slash love of my life. It was taunting me all day long. And
you KNOW that one serving would not be the end of it, all 600 calories
of the bag would have been consumed and that would trigger and be only
the beginning of a self loathing feeding frenzy!

Baby food it was.

At only 3:30 I had consumed over 1,000 calories and I was looking at
entire night of home alone time. Just me and Mr. Bread. And then my
phone rang and it was my mom coming to save the day (or at least
discontinue todays self destructive behavior). We went and saw Avatar
in 3D and it was AMAZING!! (no really, go RIGHT NOW and watch it with
those silly little glasses, it's worth it!)

I'm not happy about the 1210 calories I had today but it could have
been so much worse. I pray tomorrow and days to come will be better.
I'm very down these days (if you've been reading a while I'm sure it
is painfully obvious, in fact, I'm surprised anybody is still
reading!) and all I can think about is bingeing and purging.

I get so far as the binge and when I feel my heart racing, notice the
haze that surrounds me, the uncomfortable tightness of my distended
belly I look to the bathroom and I can see my ghost of nights past
bent over at the waist, eyes watering, nose running with my fingers
lodged in the back of my throat frantically searching for the magic
pressure point that will eject the contents of my stomach, rotting my
teeth and swelling my cheeks in the process and I frown. "do I really
want to do this?" I ask myself, "it only leads to more and worse." but
still, I consider it. I think of my streak and my blog-where I would
have to confess my sin. I think of the last time I broke on the 77th
day and it took me nearly 3 months before I could get through a week
without puking. I hate myself in these moments, I hate that I ever
got to this point that I even have these memories.

I wrote here once that 2010 will be the year that I quit. And when I
think that it empowers me, I don't want to make more of these
dreadfully embarrassing memories.

I remember when I was in the 4th grade we watched that movie with the
girl that turns bulimic (Hunger Point?) there is a scene where she is
out in the middle of the woods or something and she is in the back of
a station wagon binging on all kinds of junk food and it has stuck
with me since. Even in 4th grade I daydreamed about it but there was
always that threshold to pass. It takes alot to stick your fingers
down your throat long enough to actually bring anything up.

The first time I did it I was 14, drinking at my friends birthday
party, I felt my stomach flip went to the bathroom and brought up the
alcohol and until I had turned 21 that's the only thing I would bring
up, my sober mind couldn't override the natural reaction of pulling my
fingers when I triggered the gag. The day it did opened a can of worms.

But as memories flood back to me the seed was planted long ago, I've
always hated the reflection in the mirror. When I was as young as 5 I
remember I wanted to be white, I hated my brown skin, my brown eyes
and hair. (I'm Mexican) it's why I never learned Spanish, I wanted to
be as white as possible if I couldn't get there with appearance at
least I could do it with culture! I've always analyzed and
scrutinized my body in the mirror, I always wanted to just stop eating
but my will was not strong enough to follow through.

And then I got older and realized that with practice and patience the
mind can override the natural urges of the body (not that it's easy).
Did you know that sone yogis can slow their breathing and heart beat
to be undetectable? It's amazing what our minds can do if we know how
to use them, if we can figure out how to effectively brainwash
ourselves. It is, afterall, how many of us got to be disordered with
food and body. And now I'm trying to brainwash myself to healthy (or
as close to healthy as one can be after these 'worms' are let loose in
my mind).

This is really hard, I'm really struggling even now as I lay here in
my bed recalling these dreadful memories bread pulls at the corners of
my mind.

Sent from my iPhone.


  1. And they can walk over fire and not feel heat or pain. What's even more amazing is that the soles of their feet aren't even singed!

    If that loaf of bread starts to sing its siren song again, give it to your neighbour? I once went on a baking frenzy and gave the tarts away to my family and neighbours so I wouldn't eat them.

    P/s - Such triggering movies should be banned from the school curriculum.


  2. i've never ever heard of that movie. I've gtiven up bread and I cant even tell you how tempted I am by even hotdog buns! Its crazy! If I give myself one bite I just cant stop!

  3. bread for you is pizza for me. i know how hard it can be, i can eat an entire large pizza by myself in one sitting. i like to pour vinegar on food im not allowed to have , but sometimes that isnt enough to stop me :P
    just hang in there, your strong, i know you can push past this.


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