Tuesday, February 2, 2010

I want to eat.

I want to eat.

I don't want to want to eat. I don't want anymore calories in me
today. I want to be healthy but I want to be thin, sometimes I wish I
didn't desire the former and other times I wish I didn't desire the
latter. Either way, I lose. Minute by minute I am constantly
teetering between the two, everytime food enters my mind the battle
begins. I always give in to eating but though I eat healthy food
(fruits, veggies, nuts...) my lack of variety is taking a toll on my

I thought that between last nights vegan boca burgers and todays Greek
yogurt that my body would be satisfied so I van jump on the
Restriction Train.

Nope. I'm fighting not to eat another protein bar. FIGHTING. There
are two devils on my shoulder. One tells me it's okay to have another
and the other says not to. I cannot win.

I want to be thin and I'm not. The scale read 120.5 this morning, the
day before 121 and the day before that 119. I'm all over the place.
But 2 weeks ago at least I was all over the place UNDER 120!! I hate
this even 117 is too fat. (keep in mind I'm a mere 5 foot 3 inches tall)

I need to do something proactive to gt closer to my goal. I have
decided to try and stay as close to 700 calories a day and absolutely
no going over 1200 but... I pretty much end up JUST under 1200. I'm

It makes me want to go binge and purge... It mostly makes me want to
purge and I figure if I purge why not binge?

Devil thoughts. Purging and binging are bad ideas, in the long run
they'll make me fat, have worse teeth and chipmunkER cheeks. I'm
losing the weight game on account of my laziness and lack of self
control. I always give in to eating.

I'm so afraid that when I get home after class that I will eat. I'm
terrified. I just don't even want time to move forward because I fear
future lack of control. Even right now, I'm trying to type to pass
the time... All the while protein bars taunt me in my trunk.

I must be strong.
I am in control.
I control me and giving into food is giving away my control and I am
better than that. It's easy to not be in control but I have a choice
and I choose control.

May the force be with me...

Sent from my iPhone.


  1. Those first two sentences = story of my life. You got everything i think and wrote it down perfectly in this post. What's up with that? Stealing my thoughts, are you? Lol.
    But you know what? You ARE in control. And you ARE strong. You can do this, sweetheart. Stay strong, and think thin!

  2. Yes, may the force be with you...!

    I love how you put it into such simple terms for all of us, pinge and purge = gain in weight over time. It's just a matter of self control.

    I hope we find this ever elusive sense of control and are able to hold on to it tightly..! Best of luck to you.. :)

  3. Agh don't purge. Whatever you do, just try not to do that.

    You're not pathetic for wanting to eat. 1200 calories isn't the end of the world. Have you ever watched a documentary or TV special on obesity? I thought I was a pig for eating brownies and ice cream while I was watching it, but people who are legitimately obese eat like 15,000 calories a day. That would be like if I bought one of those 4 gallon buckets of ice cream at Costco and ate it all by myself. What do you think you're binging on? 4 large pizzas and a bucket or two of fried chicken in one sitting? Or was it just a couple of slices of bread?

    Don't beat yourself up over little slip ups. You're not obese. You're and inch taller than me and about 5 lbs lighter than me, and I'm pretty thin.

    Please give yourself a break.
    You deserve one.


  4. God. I know those thoughts so so well! I don't know what advice I can give since I haven't got the answer to my own problems. Hmm.. What I tend to do is binge in something not as naughty (ex. oatmeal with sugar, pasta, bread) and then it doesn't feel like such a failure.

    And another thing you HAVE to remember is to collect the small victories. Don't let it all be shit otherwise it's so much harder. Try to think; I ate an apple instead of a chocolate bar!! I rule!! It's 11.06 and I haven't binged! Jubiiii!

    Heh, I know it sounds really stupid, but it helps me through the day.

    Lots of Love

  5. Stay strong. I completely understand your feelings. I basically haven't been eating for 3 days because I know that if I eat I'll purge and if I purge then I'll figure that I should binge. It's a vicious f-ing cycle.

    I know today it is a hard day but my motto is 'control is the goal'.

    You are stronger than the urge to purge. I know you are.

    Be strong and stay lovely,


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