I don't want to want to eat. I don't want anymore calories in me
today. I want to be healthy but I want to be thin, sometimes I wish I
didn't desire the former and other times I wish I didn't desire the
latter. Either way, I lose. Minute by minute I am constantly
teetering between the two, everytime food enters my mind the battle
begins. I always give in to eating but though I eat healthy food
(fruits, veggies, nuts...) my lack of variety is taking a toll on my
I thought that between last nights vegan boca burgers and todays Greek
yogurt that my body would be satisfied so I van jump on the
Nope. I'm fighting not to eat another protein bar. FIGHTING. There
are two devils on my shoulder. One tells me it's okay to have another
and the other says not to. I cannot win.
I want to be thin and I'm not. The scale read 120.5 this morning, the
day before 121 and the day before that 119. I'm all over the place.
But 2 weeks ago at least I was all over the place UNDER 120!! I hate
this even 117 is too fat. (keep in mind I'm a mere 5 foot 3 inches tall)
I need to do something proactive to gt closer to my goal. I have
decided to try and stay as close to 700 calories a day and absolutely
no going over 1200 but... I pretty much end up JUST under 1200. I'm
It makes me want to go binge and purge... It mostly makes me want to
purge and I figure if I purge why not binge?
Devil thoughts. Purging and binging are bad ideas, in the long run
they'll make me fat, have worse teeth and chipmunkER cheeks. I'm
losing the weight game on account of my laziness and lack of self
control. I always give in to eating.
I'm so afraid that when I get home after class that I will eat. I'm
terrified. I just don't even want time to move forward because I fear
future lack of control. Even right now, I'm trying to type to pass
the time... All the while protein bars taunt me in my trunk.
I must be strong.
I am in control.
I control me and giving into food is giving away my control and I am
better than that. It's easy to not be in control but I have a choice
and I choose control.
May the force be with me...
Sent from my iPhone.