Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Devilish Delights Invading My Psyche
More and more I'm thinking about bingeing and purging.
It all starts with a thought, as action tends to follow. I make mental notes when I look through the grocery store adds and calorie counts of the forbidden foods, today when I was at Panera I picked out the binge foods off the menu while I was in line for my coffee. It scares me when these thoughts creep back into my mind, I don't want to binge and I don't want to purge.
Not really anyway. I suppose what I really don't want is the aftermath, the weightgain, the depression, the endless cycle of misery, I'm not sure that I can isolate myself anymore than I already have but... I have a feeling I could. I even think about drinking too much, so much so that I puke, I'm still grappling with this idea and wondering if it really counts or not. Like if I do it by alcohol as opposed to fingers somehow that makes it more acceptable. People my age puke all the time when they've been drinking...
I want to think about being thin and healthy and happy.
2 days of liquid fasting and going on the third.