Friday, February 12, 2010

Day 6 Status: Self-Sabotaged.

I have an idea!

Why don't I 6 pounds in 6 days while cleansing my system through a liquid fasting and displaying an incredible amount of self control, blog my successes and how smaller numbers on the scale are so much better than food.


[dun. dun. duuuuuuuuuunnnnnnn.]

And then I can feel incredibly lonely and sad (for no particular reason because I should be use to it) and I can eat every single piece of shitty ass food in my kitchen cupboards to the point where I cannot stand nor sit comfortable because my stomach is so distended, if I put anything more down my throat it will come back up on it's own.  There is simply no room.  My body is shaking from the sugar in my system, I feel this incredible urge to swallow one more thing.

My fingers.

I had it in my mind, that was going to be the next step.  Not all was lost, I could purge and then my fast wouldn't be a complete waste.  I was even mentally blogging my fuck up as I was fucking up, how fucked up is that?  But then I got to the part where I purge and I couldn't bring myself too.  It was punishment enough to have binged.  To purge would be infinitely worse.  I would throw away my streak, the streak that made it through Christmas and spending New Years Eve alone.  I tried to remember what happened the last time I screwed up my streak but I couldn't remember the incident but what I did remember was that it took me 2 months of bingeing and purging before I got the momentum back.   I remembered how long it's taken my facial swelling to come down.  I remembered how much more miserable I was when I was purging.  I remembered how much harder it was to lose weight and shitty my body felt.

I don't want to have bulimia intimately in my life.  I want to beat my 76 day streak, 2010 is the year that I stopped purging.  I'm gonna be 25 years old! I don't want this, I want to grow up, I want health, wealth and happiness and all the other cheesy cliches (okay, I wanna be stick thin too).  I have to overcome. Today.  Not tomorrow.  Today is tomorrow.  I must do this now, not later.  I'm on day 65 and tomorrow will be day 66, I won't allow myself to purge anymore.

It's easier to lose the weight on my body from a binge than to undo the damages that happen from purging; my teeth, esophagus, swollen glands... and my entire body and let's not get into the downward spiral of my mentality that would follow.

Bingeing is punishment in itself.  Liquid fasting will be my way to repair the damage.  I will do better next time.  Today was bad but tomorrow will be better.

I feel like such a failure right now but it was a failed battle as I am not a quitter and I will lose this weight and be at 105 pounds.  But first 115.  I will not let one night of bingeing ruin me, it does not mean that I am not strong, it means that I had a moment of weakness but I am stronger for it.


  1. You are strong, what you wrote just proved that, I hope your okay ,x.

  2. Wow! I couldn't possibly adore this post more if I tried. *Tries...* Nope! Can't do it. ;)

    God, I need to save this and read it after I binge, but before I purge. Seriously. Bulimia has not gotten a strong hold on me (yet) but I've been precariously peering over the precipice for quite some time now. The binges that end in that indescribable discomfort (nay, pain even!) of being so swollen and distended and feeling fail because now all of that food is sitting in you, making you gain ten lbs (only in your mind, because we all know it would be very difficult to gain ten lbs in one binge)...those are the worst...and those are the kind I've been having lately. :( They are relentless, they are worse than words can say, and when I've finished punishing myself by eating that much, I need this...Your voice of reason, to remind me that I am not losing this war just so long as I am trying... Ugh, so hard. Thank you so much for posting this.

    You're wonderful. <3

  3. Beautiful. I am sooo proud of you!
    You are absolutely right about everything here. You are strong. You are smart. You are an inspiration!!


  4. That was wonderful, and a fabulous display of strength and courage. I knew you had it in ya ;)

    Well done. You've had a great streak of not purging and you should be very proud to not have thrown that away.

    And a 6 day liquid fast is very good. Don't let the binge get you down. Its in the past. Get back on the horse and hopefully, it will all pass.

    peace :)


  5. well done i did the same today i was still considering throwing up but you just inspired me not to and also now i know why my face is looking thinner 6 months of near daily binge purging i guess would puff it up somewhat i made 6 days nothing like yourstreak but im looking up to you

    2010 is definetly the year of no purging :) x

  6. I am SO proud of you.
    I would not have had the frame of mind to stop myself from purging.
    Keep your chin up, darling. You're doing fabulous.

  7. omg thats amazing! im so happy / proud of you that you were able to resist the urge to purge(for lack of better wording). im so glad your not letting this one binge ruin everything youve been working for.
    stay strong

  8. Wow, sweetie. You're so strong. Yes, you may have failed a liquid fast and had a bit of a binge, but you know what? You overcame that failure with the success of not purging. You're amazing, and i'm sure the weight will come off quickly. :)


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