On a lighter note, yesterday to sort of make up for the bingetastrophy I had no solid foods. Still I drank my calories, 5 protein shakes (b, l, d and a snack) and a Spicy V-8 which gave a calorie tally of 593.
I wasn't sure if I could pull this liquids only off, I've failed at home and being away gave a different set of problems.
Problemo #3: Whenever I come visit my dad we always end up going out to lunch (since this is what people do when they don't know each other well, distract themselves with food since we all have that in common right? ... right? ... *crickets*) but time was running short and he had already eaten and, naturally, I said I had also so I told him I would just stop by for a bit and visit with him. Potential food crisis: defunct.
We visited, it was nice, it was over. Then it was back to the house and 4± hours of car riding. No food there!
Problemo #4.5: "Want some?" I was greeted with a big ass bag of Doritos in my face and some bean dip within arms reach on my left. My (honest to gawd) natural reaction is saying no and I did but, it's never offered just once and, well, IT'S DORITOS and BEAN DIP! But protein and v8 nutrition did not have my body egging on my Fucked up FATmerican mind with a starving, hungry, nutritionally void belly EVEN when it said, "But it's the SuperBowl!"
Problem #4.75: "Oh here, I got you some Cashew so that we wouldn't be all eating in front of you." My aunt is a total sweetheart. She knows I stay away from fatty junk food because I want to be healthy, so she got me a "healthy" alternative to Doritos and bean dip (I do always say Nuts are natures Doritos- which I stand behind still). I thanked her and threw them in my purse.
The calories in an entire bag of nuts terrified me. The Doritos and Bean Dip right in front of me enticed the fat girl inside of me. The alcohol and previous nights binge haunted me. Monday's weigh in lurked just around the corner, paralyzing me.
I distracted myself with Scrabble on my iPhone (I was playing against my Aunt and my cousins boyfriend who was sitting in the front seat - we all have iPhones - get one they're amazing!), fueled with fear and motivation alike. I want to be skinny. I don't want to make matters worse on the scale. This seems like a good jump off little challenge - Go! Fight! Win!
I came home and drank a protein shake, I wasn't really happy with myself for doing this but I calmed by thinking that it was an investment of sorts. Keep my body nourished now, so I don't wake up all starving and binge.
I woke up this morning fine and even a little motivated at yesterdays small success to keep this thing going. The scale kind of put a damper on things until I started writing this post and realizing how much worse it could have been. But even with the initial sadness of the scales numbers came determination to lose, I can't be 122, it is no longer acceptable when I was holding it down at 117 for so long. I made myself a shake, distracted myself and now I'm drinking coffee and distracting myself with this post!