Sunday, February 21, 2010

Thrice

Not once.

Not twice.

Thrice I binged today.  All 3 were terrible, terrible episodes.  Purging not included, I suppose I wanted to keep the one ounce of dignity I have left in the form of a non-purging streak.  At the moment I loathe it because I'm going to be super fat and unhappy tomorrow and it's my fault for being a gluttonous pig.

It's my fault.

The hardest part of it all is that it is my fault.  I reap what I sow and I done sowed the wrong muthafukin shit.  So now and tomorrow and forever I will be working to negate the damage.


In other [less depressing] news, I did go over to my friends house and had fun.  I get so sucked up in isolating myself and obsessing over my body and whothefuckknowswhatelse and I forget how many smiles being with friends can be.  It's not the same with my family, there is heaviness in my heart when I am around a lot of my family where I cannot be myself.

This turned depressing.

HappyThoughts.HappyThoughts.HappyThoughts.

My friends told me that I am a good writer today.  That my e-mails are hilarious and I should write a blog (hardee har har).  I hold up this masquerade of positive attitude and I'd like to think I mostly am (or mostly becoming am) (that didn't make sense-moving on) but when the topic of conversation turns to me the negativity surfaces.  I said that first I need to get a life so I actually have something to blog about.  They encouraged me anyway telling me to just write about anything and it'll be good and they'll publish it into a book one day and I'll be all Carrie Bradshaw-like and fabulous (I'd hang on to Aiden though).

Aren't my friends the sweetest!  Don't you just love their lies and wish it were the truth!

I guess that's what kills me, we all lie to those that we love to boost their confidence.  I fear false confidence, compliments given through eyes that see me through rosey colored glasses.


I still think it's funny that they tell me to get a blog and I have to pretend like I don't have one nor want one.  I guess the truth of the matter is that I am embarassed and ashamed to be me.  I have an eating disorder, I'm obsessed with my body, I have no friends, I isolate myself and do nothing with this life that I have.  I don't like what I see when I look in the mirror.  I don't like the thoughts that run through my mind.  I don't like the fact that I am so hung up on hating myself that I fail to really see the world around me or even properly care about others.  I am single and I don't wonder why, I know that it's because I am in this bubble that is my fault.

It's all my fault.  My reality is made from my own choices and thus I have continually made the wrong choices for myself.  My hallow heart beats without passion.

How do I change?  I am afraid of life.  I just want to start over.

(I swear I started this post with the intentions of it being a positive and upbeat post. Sorry. I suck.  Hopefully I will suck less in my next post.)

(I'm babbling.  It's late.  I hope this post even made some kind of sense.)

6 comments:

  1. I guess that's what kills me, we all lie to those that we love to boost their confidence. I fear false confidence, compliments given through eyes that see me through rosey colored glasses.

    I feel like that all the time! Totally.

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  2. hey! this post isnt all bad. you didnt purge. which means you still want to not go backward. which means you can learn from this. the memory will make you stronger next time.

    good luck. xx

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  3. If it makes you feel any better we wouldn't all be blogging and hoping someone is listening if we had a slew of friends, or any friend for that matter, that understood us and we could relate to. We are all obsessed and isolated and would rather read blogs than go out and drink and eat. So its ok, you're not alone. And btw, I would hang on to Aiden too.

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  4. Ugh, I'm so sorry about the binges. It's not your fault. They just take over sometimes.

    I think we all feel like that - that we're horrible, awful people and it's all our fault, and we deserve nothing. It's hard not to feel that way - but I think we all have value.

    (I have a "real" blog for my friends, which I just post to like once a month, stupid stuff like "lol look at this!"...if your friends keep bothering you, you could so that.)

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  5. I actually have to really agree with your friends- I think your blog is very funny and you're a great writer. I wish my blog were half as interesting. Your blog is interesting even when nothing interesting happened to you because you MAKE it interesting, being funny and sarcastic. :)

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  6. The binges are in the past. Today/ Tomorrow is Day Now. Just stay focused on what's going on around you, and try to enjoy it. I know it's easier said than done, and that it's hard as hell to get out of that stay-alone-don't-go-out mentality.

    You are an awesome writer, and I just related to everything you put down. SO thank you for sharing, because it makes all of us feel more okay. :)

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