Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Do You Know the Muffin Man?



Do you ever wonder if that quiet girl in the back of the room just might be me or some other blogger you read? I'm strangely suspicious of people waiting for them to slip up and I can peg them as eating disordered. I wonder if they notice the scars on my knuckles and suspect me of bulimia. I really can't even think of another excuse for them, I'm not exactly the kind to punch a wall.

I read blogs and try and think of the flip side, the world outside of blogging where there is just a girl having lunch with her friends.  She says she's just not that hungry and picks at her food but behind this behavior is there furious counting happening behind those eyes?  Is she planning purge?  I read about girls feeling too fat and disgusting, and instead binge and purge the day through rather than going to class or out with friends.  Then a girl is absent in my class or a friend doesn't feel like going out tonight and I wonder if this girl has a secret like we do.

In other news, today is day 4 of a successful non-food fast!  More calories than the previous days were consumed today.  I added a tablespoon of flaxseed meal (30cals) to one of my protein shakes, later I drank a Strawberry Smoothie from Trader Joe's that tallied to 240 cals.  Overall my days intake was 733 calories.

It seems high when I see that number but then I consider how 1200± has been my average intake since probably December so really, I'm ahead of the game still and I'm eating fairly nutritious (assuming the protein shakes & v8 are truly good for me) and I haven't eaten any solids still.  Unless you consider that flaxseed meal and the smoothie had a little more substance which my body did recognize.

Flush.

I've been fully of shit.

Evidently.

But I carried on, figuring this is part of slowly breaking my body back into solids.  I'd still like to go until Saturday making it a full 7 days but tomorrow I will reassess in the morning and see how I'm feeling about it.  I don't want to go to far and throw it all away by bingeing.

I'm anxious to see what the scale reads tomorrow morning to see if I continue to lose weight or if I'm at my set point.  I'm pretty sure on Sunday I will be eating actual food and I'm pretty sure of this because it's Valentine's Day and I'm (yet again) without a Valentine or any sort of plans (since I have few friends and they are all attached) so I will sit home probably reading and treating myself to some healthy goodies (like PurePumpkin and maybe baked sweet potato slices).

Which reminds me, I came home last night and that's what my mom had made, baked sweet potato slices, these things are delicious.  I took a peek then made my protein shake and erased it from my mind, imagining that even just one would inevitably result in me gaining 30 pounds instantaneously.  I also thought the same of the homemade muffins being passed out in class. In fear that in a moment of weakness I might gobble it up and speed right through to Binge City, I declined. 

8 comments:

  1. I think i know who you are.... and I think you know who i am too...

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  2. After just 2 days I'm struggling! But I'm only having a few hundred calories a day, mostly juice, and it probably isn't enough to make it sustainable. How do you make your protein shakes? Perhaps I should start adding them in.

    And I'm petrified of valentine's day. I wish it didn't exist. I feel the rejection already, imminent and palpable. Nothing worse than being in a new, ambiguous, theoretically non-committal relationship when it comes to the big v day. Fuck.

    x

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  3. I always wonder if certain people have eating disorders, the girls with miles between their thighs

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  4. I'm always wondering if the people i meet could be bloggers, or at least eating disordered. I watch their moves and analyze them, and then freak out because i think they might be doing the same about me. Lol.

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  5. I'm a server in a restaurant, and BELIEVE me it's insane how much I wonder about girls at my tables. If some tiny girl picks at her salad with dressing on the side, no croutons, cheese, or nuts, I think, "Ana" immediately. Or if one of them eats a HUGE meal and immediately runs off to the restroom... I think, "Mia for sure." I'm sure I project because of my own behaviors, but sometimes I just KNOW I'm seeing a fellow ED girl.

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  6. I always think the same thing, it's crazy, when I'm sat in the doctors, and there are other girls there, I want to ask, but I know I'll look stupid, I see them looking at me too.
    It's fustrating!
    Your doing really well, don't worry,
    I hope your okay, x.

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  7. i always wonder when i see really thin people especially if they are out running in the rain whether they had an ED or really like running and are naturally skinny

    nobody has ever noticed me when i dont eat and i have no scars on my hand for some reason my teeth never catch my hand but i tend to scrutinize everytone else then ditto anas girl i get paranoid

    well done for refusing muffins you and your juice fast are currently my "get back on the skinny train inspiration"
    x

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  8. You have so much strength and resolve! woot woot!

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