Thursday, February 18, 2010

Thursdays are my Friday

I stressed myself out with completing an essay this week only to find out it is due this Tuesday (yay! I'm ahead of schedule!) and today I had a math exam (Idon'twannatalkaboutit). 

(not that I brought it up or anything... I bet you all question my sanity a lot huh?)

Watched my little cousins play basketball (they both made 1 basket!) and now I'm hear at home in the company of my mom and aunt drinking with them.  Reisling.  Whatever.  I deserve it!  And it's liquid so I'm not breaking my fast.

But I am thinking about it.  Saturdays baby shower is cancelled due to pregnancy complications.  Complications aside, this is a good thing.  This means there will be no event at my house with all kinds of food to avoid and no next day with all kinds of food to avoid and no decorating or clean up (I'm lazy but if you've read for any amount of time, you've probably figured this out by now).  Also, my friends are getting together to watch the UFC fight so I get to go to that!  Yay!  And they are used to me not eating, seriously, nobody around me makes me eat, I just tell them I ate before I left and they don't give it another thought because I'm a vegetarian always eating weird.

This is both a good thing and a bad thing.  On the bright side, no pressure & nobody hassles me.  On the down side, I want to be thin.  Obvy I'm not any kind of skinny, I want to be skinny-skinny.  I cant articulate what I'm thinking properly (well, less than usual) but there is this part of me that wants people to want to force me to eat.  I want to be a stick figure.  Size Zero, let's go!

But no, people just think I'm a health nut.  Meh.  I even told my mom and aunt that I was liquid fasting "to clean out my system" and they asked me what I'm drinking but more in the, curious because it must be healthy sort of way, not I'm worried you're getting too skinny and malnourished way.  Again, I said I wanted to give up food too.  I really want to do it.

On the other hand, though your comments help the bingeing and purging are still in my thoughts.  I don't know if it's fortunate or unfortunate that my thoughts are more towards bingeing than purging but really it's just two evils trying win me over.  I'm not so sure this wine is helping the situation.  (It's delish though...)

I don't but as of now, the Anti-Food Fast is still on the rise...

4 comments:

  1. i swear the 'health nut' persona is the easiest cover up - they all eat it up

    ReplyDelete
  2. i agree, my family just thinks im a health food freak or something and that i live off lettuce and soy. thank god no one in my family has any idea how unhealthy this all is.
    stay strong
    meg

    ReplyDelete
  3. my husband doesn't buy my "I want to be healthy" thing... I am pretty nutty about my health... but I know what you mean, you want to be so skinny that it raises the alarm!

    ReplyDelete
  4. im the weird health crazy vegetarian too

    what intrigues me is i became a bit health crazy befor i had an eatings disorder i havent touched butter in years i was vegetarian before to if i eat only an apple for lunch people tell me im so healthy

    sometimes i think being health crazy was just the beginnig of a disorder setting in wonder what you think?

    x

    ReplyDelete

Spill.
(or e-mail: FlushedAgain@gmail.com)