Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Something is rotten in Denmark

Something is rotten in Denmark

I'm not sure what it is yet but I feel change. I can feel it in me
that I need to take a step in a different direction otherwise a step
will be taken for me and I'm not gonna like it. Today is just one of
those days, I got out of bed wanting to give in to illustrious pull
but life must go on. I've got a room to tidy and classes to attend.
And on top of all that tidying and smartening business there were the
numbers that killed me a little inside this morning. 123.5 that would
be 3.5 lbs up from y'day and 4.5 from a few days ago. No bueno.

I've been eating too much. Is it the weather that has me feeling blue?
The lack of cleanliness? I've got mountains of laundry and stacks of
miscellaneous stuff encroaching on everywhere I turn and it wears on
me draws me into myself.

My brain is a mess. Mid-terms are finally over (2-B's, 1-C. I suck
these are not A's and that's just not acceptable. Must work harder)
and things with TheElectrician are...I dunno how they are. I like
hanging with him but romantically or sexually-notsomuch.

We went out the other night and ended up at his place....yah. It
sucked. I wasn't into it and ladies you know how it can be when you're
not into it. And he's huge. Like ripped me up and hurt huge. I didn't
even bleed that much when I lost the V-card. I hate the position that
I'm in with the whole thing. I'm annoyed with myself because I wonder
if I just lost the ability to get turned on. I embarrassed that I
sucked so much cuz I was so NOT into it. I hate myself for said
feelings and that I do actually still want him to really want me even
though I know I don't want him. Daddy complex? Likely. I just hate the
whole thing.

My cousin (whom I'm not close to at all) got married on Saturday. She
is stunning. Really. The wedding was nice and was fun. I ate too much.
I drank too much. Not to the point of bingeing or purging (voluntarily
or otherwise...) but still, I'm not thrilled about it. And the fatty-
overeating momentum has carried on and it must be stopped. I need to
fast or something. Maybe a liquid one (yeah, Ima do my own little
modified hybrid of a fast, I can't be without glucose completely).

My mom thinks I look great. She told me that I looked very 'fragile'
and 'thin' at the wedding, 'bony' even. That, of course was bitter
sweet, while these are the exact words that I long and love to be
associated with it doesn't make losing another 10 lbs (or more...)
easy for me if people are gonna try and make comments. I hate
comments. My mom doesn't think that I have any place to even lose 10
lbs ('you're tiny')...blah, blah, blah. It's because I'm small up top
and the majority of my weight is carried in my hips and thighs. Trust,
I could lose 10 more and not be an emaciated, stick figure. 'Actress
thin' is where I want to be.

^^^that was earlier today, I don't remember what I wrote and I don't
feel like reading it so. Ya

Today was a depressed day for me. I didn't get enough sleep last
night. I ate too much y'day. I sucked at my softball game (okay, let's
face it that's not really all that unusual). I was tired and clumsy
all day.

And lonely.
I feel so unloved.
So unlovable.

An outcast.
The weird girl that nobody wants to be friends with.

I feel out of sorts like everything is falling apart.
It's as though I was dreaming a dream were my life was taking a turn
for the better and I'm grudgingly waking from it, I'm trying to ignore
the sound of the alarm clock but it's sound is growing haunting the
shadows of this dream I am clinging onto...

Sent from my iPhone.

7 comments:

  1. :( I'm sorry you feel so down. The weather can affect your mood. I know when I have a clean house I feel so much better. It just has a better vibe. I hope you feel better :(

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  2. "actress thin" - i love. my goal is geared toward actress thin as well. what a great description.

    i hope the rest of this week goes well for you. as silly as it is, encourage yourself to think "one day at a time," and then truly try to understand what the words mean. i find it useful during hard times. write it on a post-it and stick it someplace on your wall. and then write another one and put it somewhere unexpected that you might forget about. so the next time you discover it, you can breathe a sigh of relief and know that you truly can accomplish each day one at a time.
    big lovin', kk

    ReplyDelete
  3. We've all been here.

    CLEAN YOUR ROOM. I find it impossible to break a downward spiral until i've made tangible improvements to my surroundings. its the best start because it pulls you out of your isolation into activity.
    I'm serious.
    Do it now.

    Love xx

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  4. I live en Denmark... The wether SUCKS so bad in Copenhagen!!! Why is it so freaking cold?!?! Jeg fatter det simpelhen bare ikke hehe :)

    Do you speak Danish??

    Cille<3

    ReplyDelete
  5. Lulu is right. Try making some changes to your surroundings. Tackle that laundry or something. And then come here and do mine :P

    This sounds like an entry right out of my journal or something. I feel the same way about the weather, about impending life changes, about sex, about my surroundings, etc. Same shit's happening to me, doll. You're not alone. <3

    Stay strong, you'll be out of your funk soon enough! Just focus on weightloss.

    xo

    Emily

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  6. Ah, don't you just love your ever naive mother who feels that her baby is just "perfect the way she is"? Hm...right.

    As for the grades, don't sweat it. They could be a heck of a lot worse. I'm really proud of what you accomplished, and you should be too.

    The last part of your post is exactly how I feel all of the time. Being the unloveable outcast in real life is difficult, but just remember that here you always have friends who love and support you. *hugs* <3 <3

    ReplyDelete
  7. I totally relate to you in SO many ways.

    ReplyDelete

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