Friday, October 2, 2009

Idunno It's Just The Way I am

I'm trying to tap into my "creative energy" to design a kickass flyer thing for my Aunt Neg's 35th high school reunion. So far, the only thing I've managed to tap into is a migraine. Hopefully it will fade soon but now that I think of it, Excedrin for MIGRAINES (this stuff is wUn-Da-fol!) would have been a better drug choice than Ibuprofen.

Good one Flushed.
Flushed-0, Migraine-1

I'm realizing more and more that I'm a perfectionist. And while this may sound kinda/sorta/in-a-way like a good thing, notsomuch. I know that I passed my Math Exam but I'm still irritated by it because I don't think I got an A, I walked outta there like a Zombie. I was even disappointed in my 87% on my Socio Mid-Term, not an A. Whatthehell?! B's are good! B's produce honey!! -No wait, wrong B. Scratch that.

The food I consume is healthy. Wasa crackers, gum and [arguably] coffee is about the extent of my "junk food" and I'm irritated with myself when if I get to 700 cals in a day. Ummm...hilloo, I used to eat how many calories of pure junkity junk going straight to my trunk despite my hovering over porcelain willing the food to defy gravity (and natures "digestion" process-which is just ridiculous if you ask me) with the reinforcements of my beckoning fingers?

Uh-huh. So I'm freaking about what exactly? I'm supposed to be proud of myself. I'm getting good grades, I'm losing weight the "healthy" way (well, should you look the other way when it comes to calorie counts and obsessish behavior about food) and I' good or something. Be happy Flushed you idiot!

Despite how "good" I'm doing I still see soooo much room for improvement. I need to exercise more. I need to get 100%. I need to lose more weight. I need to be smaller. I need to be prettier. I need to be more...this that and the other -oh and some of that over there too....and what's that right there next to that? Yeah, more of that, less of that to the left.

Dear The Perfectionist that is invading Flusheds' mind,

Your cramping her style and putting a damper on the happy and proud she should be. So just stop.

Get the hell out! kthanx,

Know what am sayin'?!


In other news. While having a glass of wine last night (yup-VeggieSlice Cheese on Wasa Cracker and Wine is how I did post Math Exam and Pre-Humanities-Midterm on Monday. I highly recommend it. I'm a Wino) with my mom and we actually had a really good talk.

Background: My mom is very unaware of the way that she says things, like with tone, facial expressions, body language, which syllables you drag out and all that. The wheels in her brain are always turning and sometimes interfere with said ways that she's unaware of. Also...

So the other night she was telling me she called my Aunt Neg because she though my aunt left a voicemail so she called and my aunts response was: What?No. Idoen even remEMberr the last time I left you a voicemail.

My mom was saying it wasn't so much what she said but the way she said it. So my reply was: you see? Do you see how even though you know someone and how they are, what their intentions are that words can still hurt by the way that they are said? You can't help the way that they affect you, you're feelings are not something you can necessarily control. I know she was irritated by this, she started back pedaling a bit to justify/clarify/whatever what she said. I nodded and went back to my room with the cup of water that I had originally gone out for. (no hard feelings)

SO LAST NIGHT: My mom and I conversed about many different things, I incorporated another little story about not using the words: don't, not and no because there is a negative feeling that accompanies them and many times trigger people to put up a bit of a guard. This triggered the other night memory for my mom and she was telling me how she was in bed thinking about it and that they were very true words.

Well, when I said them I had my mom and I in mind and told her so. My mom and I have a great relationship but a big problem with us is the way things are said. And she got it! She didn't get defensive like she normally does (b/c it frustrates her that she always comes off wrong-nobody likes their insecurities on blast...) and the entire night went as was nice.

Conclusion: Wine does a body good. (Oh yeah and I'm back to 121.5 despite y'days 123.5!)

(No BM in a few tho which is No Bueno.)


  1. I'm a perfectionist for sure. And I'm proud that you have left the power of the porcelean God. 700 isn't that much, and its better that you aren't puking! Sorry for the no BM that is def no bueno.

    Stay happy!

  2. I know exactly what you mean about the inner perfectionist keeping you from rightfully being proud of your accomplishments. I got an 89% on a test, and I was soooo depressed afterward. Like, wtf you almost got a fucking A! Ha ha...

    And it's always good to actually communicate properly with people rather than screaming at them. It's a lost art.


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