anger built up inside of me. Why I can have a grudge so deep for my
mom and upbringing. Why I bottle up my emotions. Over the past
idunnohowmany years I've recognized and tried to let them go...the
grudges, the hate, the anger.
Everything has been going so well. I get home today and my mom's
eyebrows are high, the corners of her mouth low. I'm baffled. I ask
what's wrong and she unloads. She YELLS at me about leaving my window
open and this is the second time and on and on....and on and on she
YELLS and I just feel smaller and smaller and increasingly worthless
and pathetic with each word she yells. I want to say I'm sorry but I
know my words, my feelings, emotions everything is worthless. She
wants to hear the words (I'm sorry) but only to spit on them and throw
back more angry words.
I said nothing.
I made myself dinner.
She sits at the kitchen table eyes burning my back while trying to
busy myself, tears streaming, trying not to sniffle.
"Don't you have anything to say to me?" She snorts.
"I'm sorry. Of course, I'm sorry!" I'm sobbing now. "But I don't know,
it was an accident. It was an accident. I'm sorry. I just know that
anything I say or feel, any emotion I have is the wrong one. People
wonder why I can say such hurtful things to you, it's this. It's the
way you can yell at me and look at me with such anger and hate in your
eyes. That's why." I spew, choking on every word. I can't even
breathe. I don't want to exist. I don't want to be her daughter.
And her reaction was just as I thought: anger.
She tells me that she doesn't, she couldn't possibly hate me. She
tells me that she only has love for me. She always has love for me.
She's angry and frustrated about a money situation. She doesn't hate
me. She tells me this is why she can never say anything to me because
I always "throw it back in her face" and "turn it around" to make her
feel like shit.
I don't want her to feel like shit anymore than she does me. I know
that. I know she is frustrated at the situation, at my mistake, at
money; I do understand that but she doesn't realize the weight, the
effects of her words. I have 2 options: bottle it up or fire back. I
wasn't trying to hurt her, though I know I did, but it's the way she
makes me feel and it upsets me, angers me that she could do that to
me. That she can make me feel so worthless. She's my mother. I'm her
She said I need to "take responsibility" for my actions. She already
told me (yelling) that I had to pay the difference of the bill when it
comes. Is that not taking responsibility? Accepting my penance? It's
not enough, she wanted to hurt me. My mother.
It's so hard. I love her. But she hurts me so much with her words. Who
do you tell? If I tell people it makes her look like the bad guy. It
would make people feel awkward or uncomfortable around her. It would
taint her image. She is loving and all that good stuff but her
anger....her words...they're brutal. And I'm the only one who hears
them. Anger and frustrations are taking out on me and I feel her anger
and frustration in more core and my own worthless, pathetic self along
with it. In my core.