I was skimming through this article and tried to do the exercise.
I asked myself: When I was at my thinnest and healthiest and happiest what was it that got me to fall off the wagon? For so a while it was easy, exercise, healthy food...smiling. I think it was the pressure that did me in. Not only the pressure that I put on myself but also the pressure of others and all the attention. I didn't know how to handle it.
I got a lot of attention. Compliments and endless comments. It seemed like all of a sudden, not only was I viewed in the positive limelight but also scrutinized. Everybody made a big deal of what I ate (healthy food) and especially what I didn't eat (junky, fattening food). How much I ate...nobody (to my knowledge) thought that I had an ED they just saw me as a Health Nut. I grew tired of all the attention, I didn't know how to handle it, I was used to being the wallflower. My Cis and Assured were the ones that were typically in the spotlight but at the time it was me who seemed to have it all.
"We'd all be skinny if we just ate what Flushed ate...."
"Oh Flushed won't eat that...."
"Flushed, I made some [insert justmissedthehealthymark food here] for you since I know you won't be eating [fat/junk]"
It got tiring. I just wanted to be me but be normal, the limelight is not for me. Sometimes (a lot of time) my energy supplies are low (I blame Lupus) and the attention seems like the weight of the world. All these limitations that they were pointing out (albeit inadvertently) were wearing on me. Can we just not talk about what I will and won't eat?! Can nobody go out of their way to try and accommodate me?! If you want to eat healthy do it and stop commenting on how you wish you eat better but you just can't stand to give up [fat/junk]! Stop making me feel guilty for actually being healthy!
Just let me be! Stop putting a label on me! I don't care if the label has a pretty, sparkly bow, I don't want it!
I don't think.
Or maybe it's that I do want it but at the same time I just want to fit in, as my happy self. I don't want to feel guilty for being who am or getting closer to who I want to be.
Obviously, I don't know how to handle the limelight. Socially, I'm behind. I was a sad, bitter, cynical, angry and fat girl hating everybody who wasn't for so long that it's become my comfort zone. It's the way that I know.
Used to wanting but not having. When the fantasy became a reality, I didn't know how to handle it. Like a little girl in grown up clothes. Or maybe...we all dream of being a princess in a beautiful castle, living in the laps of luxury (and all that splendor) but thrown in the mix would be actually be all that graceful and elegant? Would be fall on our faces trying to waltz in a ballroom and use the wrong fork at dinner? Know the perfectly gracious and humble way to accept a compliment? Have the perfectly witty and charming remark to win over an audience? Or would we freak and awkwardly excuse yourself to restroom (the powder room?) and take deep breathes until you will yourself to go back out and brave your new role in your new world?
Freewrite. If you find this post to be completely irrational and senseless, just know that. Freewrite.
I think I understand. I've always been the type of person who craves attention but doesn't know how to handle it. Sometimes I disappoint. I expect to disappoint. And I always end up embarrassing myself if I have to talk to someone who expects anything of my intellect. *hug*
ReplyDeleteI loved the bit about not knowing how to handle reality.
ReplyDeleteIn the beginning, you work so hard to getting there, and when it finally comes, you're so focused on the work, you're caught unprepared.
(Wait, did that make sense?!)
If faced with situations like that again; Stop. Breathe. Walk away.
Only be around if you feel comfortable.
Ignore all the other bullshit.
Much love,
Layla
x
I've actually broken down into tears because my family always makes fun of me for eating "healthy". Seriously, hour long sessions of crying and trying to convince myself that this is what i want regardless of how much torment they give me. Your post makes almost too much sense.
ReplyDeleteI hate that - people do it all the time - once i was at a party and a friend made rice paper wraps for me (with salad filling and a sweet chilli dip) so that i would eat something at her party. It was almost like sticking the sign "this is my ed friend" on my forhead.
ReplyDeletewhat i do now - sometimes - to get out of that scenario is: eat a little bit of the unhealthy stuff ..ike a couple of chps just so people can see that i eat that stuff > but then as a result of my 'bad' eating i dont allow myself anything else for the rest of the day =)
I personally loved this post. Made me feel like I got to be invited into your head for a little bit to poke around.
ReplyDeleteCurrently I'm getting a bit of attention because my BMI is a bit low (17.2) and it's showing, which is horrible. I did *not* want attention. Not like this. I can't verbalize it. I think you do it wonderfully though. Thanks for writing this :)
I know what you mean.
ReplyDeleteWow.
That was like the most awesome brutally honest post I have ever read. :) Love.
Freewrite is amazing. And so healthful to one's psyche.
ReplyDeleteGreat post, loving your blog already.
ReplyDeleteAh the attention thing. That used to really wind me up.
They always had to be so patronising.
"Oh she won't want it. She doesn't eat junk food. She doesn't eat!"
Freewrite <3
xx
Sometimes being lonely and invisible is so much easier. I know I've become a completely different person than the one I was when I was fat. I like me better now, but it definitely wasn't the easiest transition.
ReplyDeleteAnd it's always feels like everyone is totally chastising you about what you eat/don't eat when they're pretend to compliment and encourage you. It's very hard, but you have to do what makes you happy in the end. Whatever that truly is.
Love your blog!
<3 Eva
Geez, you said it. I can completely relate to what you're saying. For years, in high school, then college, and now in my life, I'm always the one that "never eats that kind of food" and just wish to blend in, not be picked out because I'm some stubborn prude when it comes to food. Because I won't "let loose" and have ice cream or chocolate or a hamburger with everyone else. I'm too "rigid" or whatnot. Or, yes, when people try to accommodate you...just leave me alone! I want to shout. Stop worrying about me and worry about yourself! Anyway, thanks a heap for posting.
ReplyDelete