Friday, October 16, 2009

Stop. Breathe.

Ay-yo, you. Time. Yeah. Slow it da-oh-n sucka!!

This week just flew by! All of a sudden it was Thursday (which is starts the weekend for me) and I was like, whoa! (I'm articulate, we know this.) Thursday was kind of hellish for me in the math department, I was struggling and not understanding, this situation gets me double frustrating as math is my strong subject. This put me in a, um, less than stellar mood? <-understatement.

So I came home had my dinner (healthy & calorie conscious) and then...

Mom: Wine?
Flushed: *Smiles, eyes sparkling and the size of dinner plates eagerly nods head*

(We're winos. Don't judge.)

I only had a glass and a half (Chardonnay) which is much but I'm not thrilled about the calories. (Understatement) My caloric intake in general, while not off the charts, is not where I want it to be.

Eating disorder gottahold on me now.
Numbers consume my thoughts.
(weight, sizes, calories...oh my!)

Speaking of fear and numbers. Tomorrow I have to go to the baby shower of my mom's boyfriends daughter. She's pregnant with twins and I'm pretty sure I'm still heavier than her. His daughters are tiny, tiny and white yuppies and I'm just the poor, short, chubby mexican girl. I feel so inadequate around them. And I've gained a few pounds this week (121-122 vs. last weeks 119) which is not cool. (I'm killin' it with the understatements!) 

That's one issue but food, food is really what's got me all bugged out (where the hell did "bugged out" come from? I swear the things that my fingers speak sometimes...). I get really nervous when I don't know what is going on foodwise. I'm sure there will be some healthy options (they're skinny white people and one sister is vegan) but it still freaks me out not knowing the menu/calories and I'm going to be nervous so I must be extra cautious not to nervousEat. And also once I get home which is the bigger problem. When I get home from a long day of exercising my "will power" I get home and, with the intention of eating moderately, lose all inhibitions and eat the entire kitchen. No bueno. (Understatement Record!)


The next day we texted have a good weekend, I initiated, he reciprocated. The week goes by, then Thursday afternoon:

TheElectrician: Hey Kiddo, how'd your week go?
Flushed: Fast!

That is all. He's like 10-11(?) years older than me (I'm 24). I wanted to say, "It was good! And yours Oldo?" I'm sensitive and to my sensitive self "kiddo" is just so condescending. I'm 24 years old and while I may not be all "wise" and "mature" and have all kinds of "life experience" and I go to school and live with my mom...I'm still a far cry from a kid. I have a friend that's 38(?) and he also calls me kiddo every now and again and it irks me. What do you ladies think?

---Operation: Refocus---

Everytime I start school, I'm all gung-ho on that ish and then I burn myself out and then slack. This is unacceptable. If I want my life to change for the better, if I want to get where I want to be then I gotta stop doing the same old things that have gotten me where I am. I have to refocus on my goals. I got to get my drive back.

Furthermore, I've got to get back to making a conscious effort of, well, living consciously, living deliberately and making a conscious effort of keeping my mind in the positive state. (It just dawned on me that everything above "Operation: Refocus" in this post goes against this, emphasizing the necessity of said operation.)

Some Goals to focus on now.

  • 110 pounds (healthy diet, exercise) (erm, and restricting like a mofo)
  • Be the best student I know how to be in school so that I can get the best opportunities I can.
  • Make friends and be a better one to the friends that I do have (communication!)
  • Life balance (as in all of the above and do it with grace and in good spirits, know my limits, know when to say no, know what is important...)


  1. my head is also full of those numbers weight calories etc i used to also be super at maths top grade in my standard grade exam without revising but now im struggling quite a bit just too many numbers although i think it might be because ive never struggled before so really your probably are doing fine :)


  2. I don't like nick names like that either. Its like.. just call me by my real name okay? I used to be a wine aholic as well. don't feel bad. I hope you can get the math down. I enjoy math, thought I was really bad at it in high school though. When I moved to college I took it both semesters and got A's. It might just be the teacher. I'm sure you'll get it :) sounds like you have some good goals to work toward. Stay strong!!

  3. Meh...hate skinny minnies...especially the cute PREGNANT ones. But you know one day you'll be so much thinner than them and they will be saggy and stretch marks will decorate their skin. Sad, but true. And you'll feel quite triumphant then, will you not? Keep your head up, hon. (I hope hon. is okay. At least it isn't condescending like "kiddo").


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