Saturday, October 17, 2009

The Little Mermai....The Little Meximaid

Freekin the fuk out.
Freakin the Fuck Out.

The day is gone. I managed to make it through the yuppie socialization events relatively unscathed. My insecurities are very much at a forefront in my mind. I want what they have. I'm the poor, awkward mexican girl in a world where I don't belong. I want what they have. They have wealth. They have education. They have social grace. They have tons of friends. And lives of luxury and beautiful things. I want what they have.

I ate guiltily at the shower. 2 cups of sangria. 1/4 cup of quinoa something or other. 1/4 cup of pilaf something or other. 1 cup of chinese salad. Grapes, pineapple, strawberries, blueberries. I avoided the croissant sandwiches (the cheese, the bread: ignored). Then onto the yuppie home. Gorgeous. Historical home, one that has basements, attics, balconies, porches, nooks, studies, the windows with all the little squares and shudders...they're renovating, everything is so beautiful. I want what they have. We got the grand tour and stayed for a drink (greyhound).

As soon as we got home: Bingey McBingerton was me. My mom left with my aunt. I'm all alone. Bingey McBingerton is me. I can just throw it up. I can purge. I can binge and I can purge. There's time. There's aloneness. I'm all alone. I want what they have. They are not alone. They are surrounded by friends and beauty. I want what they have. I'm all alone.

I want to binge.
I want to purge.

I want to feel full.
I want to be empty.

I'm scared.
76 days.
I want to throw them away.

Day 1 tomorrow?
I did 76 days.
I can do it again, right?
I'll do more next time.

I'm scared.
I don't want to be fat.
I don't want to gain.

I want to be thin.
I want to be skinny skinny.
I want to weigh nothing.

I can do it. Tomorrow I'll start at day 1? A new leaf?
I'm scared.
I'm all alone.
I am Bingey McBingerton and tomorrow is day 1?
I want what they have. I want to live in their world.

What can I do to live in their world?


  1. I love you.
    Don't give it all away.
    You are never alone.

  2. I've always craved that life. Privalidged, skinny, social, beautiful, loved girls with the world at the tips of their fingers. All they have to do to get what they want is bat an eyelash or call dady up. Its the life we were meant for. Its the life we will have. Don't get discouraged, love. We will get through this and we WILL succeed. Stay strong and keep your head up <3

  3. i love you too. 76 days is amazing. far better than this fat ass. tomorrow is a new day! feel better

  4. I NV them. Big houses and big checking acconts. And what do I have?? Zero. Nada. Just all the purged food in the toilet. God.

    Love Cille

  5. I don't know how people get what they have, but I want that life too.
    I feel you, woman.


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