Saturday, October 24, 2009
Time Machine Anybody?
This post is incredibly difficult for me to write. Seeing on the screen in black and white that I am once again back at Day 1.
Last night I binged and purged. Twice. Two horrible binges and only 6 days since my last.
It's not like I don't know what I am doing. Clearly, reason is out the window and healthy is not at the forefront of my mind but the upsetting truth remains, I knew what I was doing and I did it anyway.
Last week the predominant emotion was loneliness and the feeling that I will never be what I dream. Last week I was defeated. This week was different though. This week the number 7 wasn't so far from 1, I wasn't throwing so many days away. My body was craving (I ain't gonna lie, it still is unsatisfied and craving and my head is aching from last nights ralphing), I suppose I was lacking nutrition, my brain was chemically imbalanced and I was being reckless, masochistic and irresponsible.
I am ashamed and disappointed in myself. But I have no time machine to undo the damage I have done to myself so here I go again picking myself off the ground (or rather, taking my head out of the toilet) and dusting myself off to give it another go. Learn and move forward, no use dwelling on yesterdays spilled milk (or ralphed yogurt).
So now that I got that out of the way. Do you ever ralph and look at it trying to figure out what the hell it is? AND in the middle of my chuckfest (I'm sorry but I'm so tired of the word purge) last night my mom came home! I have no idea what all I got out and in a panic popped a couple laxies (I do know the science on them) but I just wanted it out of me and my BM's lately have been miniscule and are not reflective of my intake so I actually do think that I needed them-regardless of binge.
Ana's Girl thank you for suggesting, I LOVE suggestions! :)) I am going to try the whiten with the at home things (Rand noted! Strips. Thanx:)) and do lumineers in 6 months. I was really afraid of using the whitening products before because I thought my teeth were so unhealthy and rotting and going to fall out (dramatic much?) so I was afraid that the bleach and chemicals might do more harm than good. What a relief facing reality! It's so hard but so worth it to just finally know and move on to do something about it. I urge you all to do so as well, just do it (Nike, I love your slogan; use it all the time!) (because we all know Nike is a person and totally reads my blog) you will feel SOOOOO much better. (And if your melodramatic *cough*like me*cough* it probably isn't as bad as you thought it was!
Lumineers also change the shape and stuff of your teeth so whitening is a plus but they also serve the purpose of making the overall look of my teeth more attractive. And what can I say? I'm incredibly vain. AND I live in SoCal which is like the breeding ground of shallow and vain people (hence the eating disorder), eating disorders are almost normal here and really easy to get away with. EVERYBODY is on a diet, so just saying you're on a diet or however you eat, people accept and back off. I am not saying it's the only place or whatever but sometimes I read blogs and I'm thinking why don't they just tell so and so that they're dieting or watching what they eat or trying to be more healthy? Cuz to me it's totally acceptable and normal.
P.S. Rain, you were totally empowering ;) YES and definitely will have the body to match!!