Saturday, October 24, 2009

Time Machine Anybody?

This post is incredibly difficult for me to write.  Seeing on the screen in black and white that I am once again back at Day 1.

Last night I binged and purged.  Twice.  Two horrible binges and only 6 days since my last.

It's not like I don't know what I am doing.  Clearly, reason is out the window and healthy is not at the forefront of my mind but the upsetting truth remains, I knew what I was doing and I did it anyway.


Last week the predominant emotion was loneliness and the feeling that I will never be what I dream.  Last week I was defeated.  This week was different though.  This week the number 7 wasn't so far from 1, I wasn't throwing so many days away.  My body was craving (I ain't gonna lie, it still is unsatisfied and craving and my head is aching from last nights ralphing), I suppose I was lacking nutrition, my brain was chemically imbalanced and I was being reckless, masochistic and irresponsible.

I am ashamed and disappointed in myself.  But I have no time machine to undo the damage I have done to myself so here I go again picking myself off the ground (or rather, taking my head out of the toilet) and dusting myself off to give it another go.  Learn and move forward, no use dwelling on yesterdays spilled milk (or ralphed yogurt).

So now that I got that out of the way.  Do you ever ralph and look at it trying to figure out what the hell it is?  AND in the middle of my chuckfest (I'm sorry but I'm so tired of the word purge) last night my mom came home! I have no idea what all I got out and in a panic popped a couple laxies (I do know the science on them) but I just wanted it out of me and my BM's lately have been miniscule and are not reflective of my intake so I actually do think that I needed them-regardless of binge.

And thank you for all your comments! (Ana's Girl thank you for suggesting, I LOVE suggestions! :)) I am going to try the whiten with the at home things (Rand noted! Strips. Thanx:)) and do lumineers in 6 months.  I was really afraid of using the whitening products before because I thought my teeth were so unhealthy and rotting and going to fall out (dramatic much?) so I was afraid that the bleach and chemicals might do more harm than good.  What a relief facing reality! It's so hard but so worth it to just finally know and move on to do something about it.  I urge you all to do so as well, just do it (Nike, I love your slogan; use it all the time!) (because we all know Nike is a person and totally reads my blog) you will feel SOOOOO much better.  (And if your melodramatic *cough*like me*cough* it probably isn't as bad as you thought it was!

 Lumineers also change the shape and stuff of your teeth so whitening is a plus but they also serve the purpose of making the overall look of my teeth more attractive.  And what can I say? I'm incredibly vain. AND I live in SoCal which is like the breeding ground of shallow and vain people (hence the eating disorder), eating disorders are almost normal here and really easy to get away with.  EVERYBODY is on a diet, so just saying you're on a diet or however you eat, people accept and back off. I am not saying it's the only place or whatever but sometimes I read blogs and I'm thinking why don't they just tell so and so that they're dieting or watching what they eat or trying to be more healthy? Cuz to me it's totally acceptable and normal.

P.S. Rain, you were totally empowering ;) YES and definitely will have the body to match!!


  1. Hahahaa! How did I know! I added the entire " I hope your not offended...It's okay when you do it for dramatic effect" part because I had a feeling you would see it and think " That bitch is talking about me!" But I completly understand that you write the way you speak and I love it, I wouldn't follow you blog if didn't.

    On a serious note, you lasted soo long without "ralphing" and I know you can do it again-- for even longer this time. Heck, you were the one who inspired me to stop, you got this!

  2. Oooh SoCal. Did I know this and forget it? We'll have to share stories at some point :)

    And to answer your question, yes it's gross but I have cocked my head to the side and inspected my dirty deed wondering what the hell that mess is. You are not alone.

    I'm glad you didn't hide the fact that you slipped up, especially since it was so hard for you to talk about it. Cheers for picking yourself up, take it slow if you need to. You are beautiful inside and out, lovely.

  3. Anonymous24.10.09

    Hi, just wanted to say that you have a new
    follower! I love how you write out your blogs.

    I hope to hear more from you. Hope all is


  4. :( you're right. You can't go back, but you can change the present. It sounds like you are determined to do so! I'm happy for you. And I don't think you are vain at all. Whatever makes you feel beautiful is great!

  5. hi hun. just wanted to say that, for the time i've been gone..i have missed your blog soo much. you are such an inspiration. thanks!

    i'm sorry you had a bad day :(
    as you said, just get up, dust yourself off & JuSt Do It!!
    we are all here for you! you are an amazing person...fubtastically amazing!! :)
    love ya XXXXXX

  6. Anonymous25.10.09

    i'm sorry to hear that you've reverted, but please please remember that square 1 is an abstract concept in your head and you dont actually have to let this one time rule what follows...xx

  7. you live in SoCal. lucky you, you can get away with dieting/starving. aren't there like pilates/whitening shops around every corner? anyway, I used crest professional whiteners and they work like...magic. it's fantastic. one week and no one's the wiser about my smoking.

    anyway, on the purging/binging's so incredibly hard to NOT purge. I have no advice on this because if I binge, I don't even bother purging, I just sleep it off...or I walk outside a couple times, let the heaviness settle in a bit and continue working. The next day, I don't bother eating not because it's punishment, but because I feel sick to my stomach. So...really, wait it out?

    just try not to purge. please. x

  8. So good to hear the dentist visit went well!
    And I know how you feel about your B&P relapse... I have those weekly.

  9. Well you seem to know what you're doing. At least rationalizing everything so it's not such a surprise...or a big guilt trip. I'm glad you have the strength to get going again and I hope everything stays in place this time.

  10. wars weren't won in a day, you can lose battles, but stick to it, keep your head high, tell your self that u got it, and you will NOT fail.
    good luck


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