Thursday, July 23, 2009

Am I Skinny Yet?


Does it get any easier?
I'm thinking no.


I really, really, reallyreallyreally wanna binge.
Puking is a given, it goes hand in hand with the binge because ain't no way I'm gonna consume so many calories without a fight! That's like surrendering to the Fat Gods on bloated belly screaming, "TAKE ME NOW!". But no siree bob, not I. If those were my only options it'd be Disordered City for moi. But there is another other option: "healthy".

It's between 1:30-4:30 that I'm at my peak for this disordered wanting. Clearly, I'm missing something in my diet and with the onslaught of nut overload as of late it's most certainly not fat. Protein, I think I need protein. I will go and get Egg Whites and fix this problem. I just need to make it to the end of the day without bingeing/purging.

Which is hard.
Which is why I'm blogging right now.

Because if my fingers weren't roaming this keyboard they'd be shoveling food into my face and then they'd be down my throat. And then, well, then I'd be back at Square One instead of Square Four which we all know would be Bad News Bears. So frustrated right now with my mind, specifically the EatingDemon voice that's in there trying it's damndest to get me back to that first square and keep me prisoner there. But I will not surrender!! I don't think...

I'm trying to be strong and focus on my goal (lose weight). I'm stronger than ED, right? I'm not sure.

I want to be comfortable in my own skin.
I want to be in control of me.
I want to be "healthy".
Because when your mind, body and soul are "healthy"
Then the skies the limit, right?

The way I see it is conquering the mind and body goes hand in hand. Conquering my mind (ED) will translate on my body and once those two NutJobs can get along my soul will soon follow...I'm babbling, aren't I? I don't know what the hell I'm saying, I just know this Shit Is Hard and I'm frustrated.

And I really wish I had a Fairy Godmother.
Or some Ruby Red Slippers...minus the socks. Seriously Dorothy you stylist is so fired.

7 comments:

  1. i wish i had ruby red slippers.
    and hypnotherapy cds.
    i will hypnotise the shit out of myself to get my body and mind in tune. i just need money.

    good job on not bingeing.
    i did.
    it sucks so bad.

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  2. i hope this post helped you to stay strong, and that now you're on square 5... xx

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  3. oh my gosh! i admire your control.
    last week went amazingly for me and i lost nearly 6lbs. this week i've bee shoving food into my mouth without even tasting it then using the same fingers to bring it back up. :(

    omg i feel so weak sometimes. if i was in your position, now, i would have been bloggin on how much i binged and how ashamed i am

    but you can hold your head high and say you controled your ED! you will be thin, because you have the strength!
    welldone. proud of you!!!! xxx goodluck

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  4. (Haha, those socks are wuite terrible, aren't they?)

    Distraction works best when you want to binge. It's hard, because you can't stop thinking about it, but if you keep your hands busy they won't be feeding you. Try going for walks, or to the library - then you'll be nowhere near food.

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  5. nah, i cant snap myself out of my depression, its a cycle. im bipolar rapid cycle. so it usually doesnt last for more than a day, if that.

    and thank you very much for your comment, that was very sweet :D

    as far as what the test is.. ive been having problems with chronic fatigue, i mean i am TIRED all. the. time. and i read a book "master your metabolism" by jillian michaels and figured out that it could be my thyroid thats causing my difficulty in losing weight, my tiredness, the ridges on my nails, facial hair.. i did meth for five years and it messed things up. and i am not convinced that i am just normal. there is something wrong.

    so i will have to talk to my doctor and see what else they can do. i dont believe it.

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  6. you can do it! healthy all da way man! I watched you are what you eat yesterday and I just love the power of food when its good for you obviously! I no what your saying about nuts and seeds tho their irresistable its like the healthy version of chocolate or sumtin! haha! well done u are stronger the ed and your proving it more and more everyday! xx

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  7. i liked this post :)
    YOU STOP STEALING MY FEELINGS!
    haha i do that too
    (joking....kinda) lol

    i would love that hibernation thing
    but not be a bear...
    they are cows actually
    i went camping once and my friend snuck
    in a candy bar into our tent
    HELLO GRIZZLY at 4 am.
    kinda scary, but it went away.

    :) xox

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