Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Truth Hurts

[freewritten & sent from my phone]

I thought I was doing good.
I thought I wasn't SO bad.

I thought wrong.

I couldn't sleep last night. Finally at 5am I ate some cherries and a
peach. I slept. 10:30 I woke up and ate, it started just fine but my
appetite was insatiable. I kept eating. By noon I was at 1,000 calories.

Fuck it.

I purged. I thought i was gonna snap out of it and start over in the
middle of the day. Again; i thought wrong. I binged again and purged

Start over. I grabbed my book went outside to read and layout by the
pool. Shortly after I came inside to use the restroom and got a head
to toe view of my bikini clad body then I went to my room to compare.

MY mirrors been lying to me. I freaked out. I can't remember the last
time I really looked at myself in my moms room. Obvy when I was 15-20
pounds thinner because I freaked. The. Fuck. Out.

I had to know the number. The mirrors, even clothes were deceiving me
but the scale, the scale is reality.

One hundred and thirty nine pounds.

I've become a beast. I'm huge. And what's worse is that I haven't
worked out like truly put in the work for over a year. Well over.

Over (well over) a year ago 130 scared me off the scale because I
could not bare to see that number. That very large number. And now...

I use to be obsessive. Consumed by numbers. I counted every calorie
that passed my lips. I exercised 5 days a week. I stepped on the scale
every. Single. Morning. And recorded my weight.

One slice of forbidden pizza and I stuck my fingers down my throat for
the first time. My life changed.

The binging got worse [enter junk food] because 'I could purge it' I
naively thought. But you don't get everything up, sometimes your body
even denies you completely. And the thing with junk food is it only
makes you want more and more. I stopped counting calories. The days I
wouldn't binge because I thought I knew. The days that I did binge was
because how do you keep track of calories flushed? I stopped
exercising because puking drains you of energy and the junk food does

Healthy food just didn't cut it anymore, I had the taste of processed,
fatty junk on my tongue.

One day the scale would be bareable and the next it would be at the
roof. I kept telling myself that it would go down because I would be
good but I just kept finding (okay, MAKING) more opportunities to
binge. Pretty soon the numbers weren't bouncing back and I was waist
deep and sinking into this endless bulimic cycle.

3 years of darkness.
3 years of 1 step forward 2 steps back.
24 years old in 2 months.
139 pounds.

These haunting numbers and only 1 is within my power to change. My
body is a machine; it's a numbers game.

Calories in. Calories out.

Back to book keeping.
Back to rules.
Back to reality.

The vacation is over, that number must change.

Sent from my iPhone.


  1. Gah. Don't you just wish you could have all that control back?!
    The discipline. Everything.

    I miss it so much.

    We can get back to it.
    We just need all the help & support we can get.
    Good luck and all the best.

  2. Ohhhhh yeah.

    It's all true. And every time I get a few days of successful restricting going I know it will be short lived, because once you've hit bulimia there's no easy road back. Now, for example. I'm on my 3rd good day in a row. So... how long will it be before a binge knocks me on the head? Not long... I know it won't be long... Maybe tomorrow, the next day, tonight? I'm trying to make it to Saturday. But really, what's the point?


  3. Oh really I am crying at my desk, for this is so sad to see and hear. Such a young soul, trapped by a demon of bulmia. I know those thoughts all to well, The days where nothing passed my lips and I could exercise for hours. Yes i was a good little anorexic, then I started on my journey into REcovery and the BINGING came and of course followed by a purge, but I want to tell you my darling girl that it doesnt have to be this way you dont have to live in either hell, because Anorexia is its own private hell as you seem to know all to well. There is an inbetween there is a life after ED, you just have to search deep within yourself and see what it is that you truley want. Can you make a list? of all teh pros and cons of having any Ed, and you cant put wieght on it, that must be left off the list...a list of real things that really matter and make you happy and a list of reasons ( there arent to many ..hint ...hint)of what the ED (any ED) does for you, because I dont know if you know this yet its really not about the wieght and food its about soemething much deeper, something emotional...Do you think you could do that? make a list, and maybe even blog it, I would love to see you dig a little onto why you have let a # determine how much you are worth as a person.

    And please know I am in no way diminishing your pain, because I know how VERY REAL it is. I know how much you are hurting and I want to hug you and tell you it will all be okay(((HUGS))) but alas i cant, so I do what I can, I want you to try and think about this rationally...even if it its just for a bit.

    Love, Z

  4. hey! wow ur post was so powerful! I can feel ur pain! I binge but am a purging failure! I used to think eating everything and throwing it up seemed so appealing! how perfect! but I n its not a way of life!!
    listen! at some stage u restricted and were so disciplined and now unfortunatly its gotten out of control!
    I no everyday I wake up and have da day usually planned out! I dont no ur living sistuation but da only way I avoid binging is by not having alot of food in the house! just da minimum my daily allowance! u obviously have to allow time to go food shopping everyday tho which might be hard?!
    I no u have da strenght in u! Ive read ur posts and altho u mitnt think it rite now u are strong! uve been living with this for 3 years and that takes enormous strenght and I no it must be a hard struggle! Im constantly striving to be perfect! ever since my 16th bday I was like nxt yr Ill luk like this den nxt yr Ill luk like dat on and on and on! when am I gna be happy! Im actually da size Id wanted to be but nw my size doesnt matter I wnt thinner arms and a smaller bum?!!
    you should definitly try and workout bc exercise seriously makes u feel happy and plus the fact that u no ur burning calories!!
    best of luck! Im here for you and supporting u!!!
    Lexy xxxxx


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