I thought I was doing good.
I thought I wasn't SO bad.
I thought wrong.
I couldn't sleep last night. Finally at 5am I ate some cherries and a
peach. I slept. 10:30 I woke up and ate, it started just fine but my
appetite was insatiable. I kept eating. By noon I was at 1,000 calories.
I purged. I thought i was gonna snap out of it and start over in the
middle of the day. Again; i thought wrong. I binged again and purged
Start over. I grabbed my book went outside to read and layout by the
pool. Shortly after I came inside to use the restroom and got a head
to toe view of my bikini clad body then I went to my room to compare.
MY mirrors been lying to me. I freaked out. I can't remember the last
time I really looked at myself in my moms room. Obvy when I was 15-20
pounds thinner because I freaked. The. Fuck. Out.
I had to know the number. The mirrors, even clothes were deceiving me
but the scale, the scale is reality.
One hundred and thirty nine pounds.
I've become a beast. I'm huge. And what's worse is that I haven't
worked out like truly put in the work for over a year. Well over.
Over (well over) a year ago 130 scared me off the scale because I
could not bare to see that number. That very large number. And now...
I use to be obsessive. Consumed by numbers. I counted every calorie
that passed my lips. I exercised 5 days a week. I stepped on the scale
every. Single. Morning. And recorded my weight.
One slice of forbidden pizza and I stuck my fingers down my throat for
the first time. My life changed.
The binging got worse [enter junk food] because 'I could purge it' I
naively thought. But you don't get everything up, sometimes your body
even denies you completely. And the thing with junk food is it only
makes you want more and more. I stopped counting calories. The days I
wouldn't binge because I thought I knew. The days that I did binge was
because how do you keep track of calories flushed? I stopped
exercising because puking drains you of energy and the junk food does
Healthy food just didn't cut it anymore, I had the taste of processed,
fatty junk on my tongue.
One day the scale would be bareable and the next it would be at the
roof. I kept telling myself that it would go down because I would be
good but I just kept finding (okay, MAKING) more opportunities to
binge. Pretty soon the numbers weren't bouncing back and I was waist
deep and sinking into this endless bulimic cycle.
3 years of darkness.
3 years of 1 step forward 2 steps back.
24 years old in 2 months.
These haunting numbers and only 1 is within my power to change. My
body is a machine; it's a numbers game.
Calories in. Calories out.
Back to book keeping.
Back to rules.
Back to reality.
The vacation is over, that number must change.
Sent from my iPhone.