Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Blue


I'm frustrated. Yesterday, I thought I was so proud that I stopped my binge. But I ended up eating 1200 cals (for the day) anyway. I've only gone over 1200 (to 1300) one day in the past week and a half. I really want to walk. Last week the backs of my feet were all blistered up which I ignored and walked anyway albeit not as long and quickly as I'd wanted. This week my body hurts and I've only done 2 small 20 minute walks. Despite reaching 1200 calories yesterday, anxious as all hell when my mom came home with fresh baked french bread and wanting to throw a tantrum of frustration a 4 year old would be proud of. I went for a quick errand, trying to calm myself a bit and tried to distract myself.

I thought I was in the French Bread clear when they weren't eating and it was already 8:30 but No. They cut up the bread and brought it out with a pad of butter. I didn't touch it. That's right. I went to bed proud that I exercised self control. Knowing the bread and I would be all alone today I decided to let it pass. The past is over, the future has yet to come-right here and now is all that I can control.

But then I got on the scale this morning and I've been gaining weight. I just don't understand it. I haven't b/p'ed. I've been exercising a bit (which is a whole bunch more than before). No junk, it's all been healthy food. The only thing I can think of is my constipation but 5+ pounds of shit?

I don't think so.

I'm trying to resist purging. I'm trying to tell myself that if I continue to do what I'm doing the scale will reflect that in due time. But I don't know. It feels like just the opposite. I don't want to be fat anymore. I want to be thin. I want to be thin. I want to be thin!

I want to cry.

2 comments:

  1. If you've been exercising, you may be gaining muscle mass, which weighs more but takes up less space (that's good news because it's smaller and even burns more calories when your body is at rest). That on top of your constipation (i've been there too; that sucks so bad....) might be what's bumping the numbers on the scale. Don't get too discouraged.

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  2. constipation maybe.. but when you exercise or even begin like a running program you might put on a little weight but it will come off if you keep it up!! :) promise. but you will get thin! dont worry ♥

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