Blue

I'm frustrated. Yesterday, I thought I was so proud that I stopped my binge. But I ended up eating 1200 cals (for the day) anyway. I've only gone over 1200 (to 1300) one day in the past week and a half. I really want to walk. Last week the backs of my feet were all blistered up which I ignored and walked anyway albeit not as long and quickly as I'd wanted. This week my body hurts and I've only done 2 small 20 minute walks. Despite reaching 1200 calories yesterday, anxious as all hell when my mom came home with fresh baked french bread and wanting to throw a tantrum of frustration a 4 year old would be proud of. I went for a quick errand, trying to calm myself a bit and tried to distract myself.

I thought I was in the French Bread clear when they weren't eating and it was already 8:30 but No. They cut up the bread and brought it out with a pad of butter. I didn't touch it. That's right. I went to bed proud that I exercised self control. Knowing the bread and I would be all alone today I decided to let it pass. The past is over, the future has yet to come-right here and now is all that I can control.

But then I got on the scale this morning and I've been gaining weight. I just don't understand it. I haven't b/p'ed. I've been exercising a bit (which is a whole bunch more than before). No junk, it's all been healthy food. The only thing I can think of is my constipation but 5+ pounds of shit?

I don't think so.

I'm trying to resist purging. I'm trying to tell myself that if I continue to do what I'm doing the scale will reflect that in due time. But I don't know. It feels like just the opposite. I don't want to be fat anymore. I want to be thin. I want to be thin. I want to be thin!

I want to cry.