Frantic Friday

I'm freaking out. I haven't gotten my unemployment check and was thinking it's way late. I text my cousin to see if she had mailed it for me and she said she had. Then it dawned on me, just before I had gone to Arizona for an aunts funeral there was a letter from EDD, I glanced at it but didn't read it. The glow in the dark orange envelope should have tipped me off that this letter was not to be taken lightly but I had to hurry and pack and after a few days away funeralling and whatnot I completely forgot about it. I went on a madd search for the stupid letter and tore my house apart. I finally found it in a mile high pile of miscellaneous mail stack.

Allegedly, I had reported earning $0 the week that I had gotten laid off when in fact I had earn $370. Oops. It was an accident of course. Please, I'm not trying to play fraud with the unemployment agency; I need the money! I replied to the letter (hurriedly), it was a mistake and I'm sorry, blah, blah, blah and rushed over to the post office box. 

Again. I'm FREAKIN out over here!

This is insane, I can't believe this happened. How could I be so cavallier? I'm so disappointed in myself. I don't know what I'm going to do. The job market does not seem to be improving and with no income...

I'm so scared. I pray that they don't discontinue my unemployment. 

I can't stop eating, my anxiety is in overdrive. I want to scream and cry and die and beg and plead with them. I don't know what to do. It was an honest mistake. An accident. Surely I'm not the only person this has happened to? Surely they understand accidents?

All I want to do is binge and purge.

The taste of the food.

Filling the emptiness inside of me.

Fingers down my throat

taking it all back

like rewinding time.

Undoing mistakes.

Ironically, it feels bad but because I feel like I deserve it the grossness of it all the bad, disgusting feeling of bad really isn't so bad. If that can even make sense. I never claimed to be articulate.