Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Houston, we have a problem.
"I might be getting back down to my high weight again." -actual thought I had today.
Terrible. DOWN to my HIGH weight?! There is something seriously wrong with the reality of this situation. I used to be around 120 and knew this because every single morning without fail I would weight myself right before I showered. And then bulimia happened and that number crept out of the 120's and I boycotted the scale.
Boycotting the scale means that I can't get any heavier right?
It makes my weight issues go away?
-Oh hello Delusional we're best friends now.
Still, I refuse to look at the scale. I couldn't even tell you how long it has been. I even moved it to be hidden in the bathroom so I wouldn't have to think about it anymore. I want the control and obsession back but fear and bulimia hold me prisoner.
Shower time and just changing clothes in general gets me all anxious and crawlunderarockanddy-ish. At least before I could face reality, all I want to do with reality is sweep it under and rug and run from it. Metephorically run of course because I've been far too lazy to engage in physical activities.
I loathe even putting sweats on. SWEATS! Can you imagine? The comfy clothes are even daunting to me. They just aren't all huge and hangey on my like I need them to be.
G2G see my new lil niece.