Sunday, June 14, 2009

A Prisoner of My Mind

Have you ever gone through the day just waiting for it to be over?

That's how every day is for me.

Sleep is my salvation. It's the only time my mind is completely free. I fuct up again today, no purge (yet) (but hopefully not at all *fingers crossed*) just bingeing. Kinda, I did binge on regular food stuff but the kicker was cake. I made a mini cake of the leftover batter yesterday and it has been taunting me since. I chewed and spit the whole thing. Does disgusting ever get sick of me? I'm thinking no.

I hate this feeling inside. This empty but not empty feeling. I feel so alone in the world. Trapped in my own mind. Lost in a flurry of endless thoughts and worthless emotion. And all I wanna do is eat. Isn't that a bitch? 

I hate putting on and taking off my clothes. Even they judge me. Too tight, never loose enough. The mirror snickering at me like heartless mean girls making fun of Fatty McCow. I just want to hibernate in my room, drowned in blankets and dreams until they swallow me whole and spit me out skinny. Skinny is key.

It just dawned on me that a big source of my anxiety is what's gonna happen when the baby comes and it's time to cut the cake and pass out the cupcakes. Will I be caught in a moment of weakness? And unable to rid myself of guilty matter? Should I eat now so I won't be weak later? But when is later?Should I not eat so that my weakness won't throw me over the deep end calorie-wise? Should I just go about my business and come up with a plethora of excuses to excuse myself and puke?

How has my life turned into this? Any takers to [acquire and] administer a horse tranquilizer on me? 
You can't kill something that's already dead.

3 comments:

  1. Dont be fooled by my fleeting moments of optimism. today ended in multiple binges, just like evry other day of my life. I even thought for a sec wouldnt it be awful if i was one of those girls who actually died from the electrolyte imbalance, then i made brownies and ate the whole tray.
    ' a plethora of excuses to go and puke '... my life in a nutshell.

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  2. I can't say the thought hadn't crossed my mind a time or a trillion.
    (dying from electrolyte imbalance)

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  3. This post and the two comments above strike a chord in my heart. I am so sorry. I don't even know you but I want you to know that I have never been able to relate to something so much. I am about to turn 23 in Sept. My sister is having a baby. I have been dealing with "food issues" for years and dappling with bulimic behavior all summer. I recognize myself in your poetic and emotional words. I just read two of your posts and am definitely going to keep reading.

    I love blogging, don't you? What a way to reach out. I like it because it feels anonymous; I would never share this much about e.d ways with a casual acquaintance.

    Thanks for your powerful words. I don't feel so alone now.

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