Sunday, June 21, 2009

All Emo.

What a mofo'n nightmare today was is. I've b/p'd already and it's still the first half of the day. And I didn't even purge a lot, not nearly as much as I ate. Ugh! Why are you denying me body! Why! That's disgusting in every which way. I hate myself. I hate my body. 

I wasn't even hungry! But I just ate and ate and ate anyway. Why do I do this to myself? It's like I'm begging for misery and unhappiness. I don't want to be me.

I don't know why I'm living, what's the point I have nothing to offer. I'm just taking up space, even more space than I should be since I'm so fat. I feel like I'm only "loved" because it's expected. You can't just not love your family right? That's something people can't even admit to their own self because they think it would make them "a bad person". I hate my life. I hate myself. And I'm too lazy and scared to do anything about either. It's just me, Mia and Ed.

2 comments:

  1. STOP IT NOW! ur not a waste of space! u are an amazing person dealing with something that is sooooo hard! I deal with it everyday altho I dont b inge or purge and I no I have it way better then alot of ppl do! but food food food constantly in my mind and me totally hating my body! its an ongoing struggle! I felt like a waste of space last week exactly how u described so I left college early and came home to c my true friends! surround urself with gud fun ppl! have a laf! I no dat mite seem rly hard but maybe tell ur friends ur goin on a diet for a week or sumtinand den deyl support u?? me and my friends used to do it 2gther but I took it to da extreme xx gud luck dnt feel too down u can mail me if u want x

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  2. It is completely, 100% possible to not love your family-- and if they're sticking around and supporting you, then they're not doing it out of some sense of obligation, but because they really care.

    And even if you feel like you're a waste of space at the moment-- and I do, all the time-- you're still functioning well enough to accomplish something. You have potential and worth, even if it's just in raw, unharnessed form.

    You can get out this cycle-- maybe you should take a (modified) version of DietLexy's advice?

    Start eating three meals a day-- make them healthy, but include a desert if that's what you need to do. The point is to learn what it feels like to eat "meals"-- ones that you fully planned and intended to eat-- instead of bingeing.

    Then start reducing, until you feel like you're in control?

    Ugh, I've had quite a bit of caffeine so sorry is this rambly, unhelpful, or incoherent :)

    You asked about the "chocolate drink". It's about a cup of hot water with one tablespoon of Hershey's unsweetened cocoa (30) and some Splenda. It can help kill chocolate cravings, and even if you have to have several cups, it's still less calories and more willpower than bingeing. At least, that's the theory.

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