Friday, June 12, 2009
Trying To Tip the Scales
So, I'm trying not to purge. Trying and trying really hard to hang on to the smidgen of control that's holding me down right now.
I'm having a hard time trying to find the "silver lining" in the evil eye of this "shit storm". Bronze lining would suffice at this point. Depression is rearing in on me, I'm in it's throws I can feel it's darkness clouding around me. Still seachring for silver but coming up with dreary desperation.
I try to regurgitate "words of wisdom" and keep down the contents in my tummy. Y'know all that cliche stuff. I cannot control what happens, it's out of my hands. All I can do is sit and wait and this anxiety and fear and panic are "wasted emotions".
But they're still inside me. I need an exorcism or something to remove all this negativity from my body. And food. (Didn't that little Exorcist girl puke?)
Agh! That's what I'm trying to not do and yet my mind is gravitating towards it. To not think about my current situation? It's like the Mia inside be is begging, pleading and fighting to be the answer-my answer. I hate this. I'm all alone which makes her invitation that much more alluring. My only friend Mia. Frienemy really. What do they say about keeping your friends close and your enemy's even closer? There is something so terribly wrong with that saying. Fuck my life.