Thursday, June 11, 2009
In So Many Ways
Flushed. So various variations and uses for one simple one syllable word.
"become red and hot, typically as the result of illness or strong emotion"
"cleanse something by causing large quantities of water to pass through it"
"remove or dispose of in such a way"
"cause to be revealed; force into the open" (figuratively speaking)
"so as to be level or even"
I can relate.
(Obviously, if you happen to catch the name of this blog!)
I flush: my face, my body, my toilet.
I'm shameful of my behavior and relationship with food. In a positive state of mind I flush my body with tons of water. I eat healthy. I try and keep my mind clear of negativity and let the past be the past. Unfortunately, this "positive state of mind" is becoming increasingly few and far between fading into darkness. Or, more specifically, consumed by food and fatness.
I was big and lost weight the healthy way. But the more weight I lost the more obsessed I became with the number on the scale. It became an obsession, my mind was clouded with numbers.
Numbers the scale would read.
Number of calories.
Number of minutes on the treadmill.
The number on the tag of my jeans.
One day I ate two slices of leftover pizza that my mom had left in the fridge. I freaked. My heart raced, my mind went into full panic mode. Images of fat drowned me in guilt. That was the first time I purged.
It was a pivotal day in my longing to be lean turning my aim to be angular into clashing with calories; and obliterating a mountain of self control & discipline to powdered sugar & processed foods. I gained and I'm disgusted with myself on so many levels.
I need an outlet. A space to be honest. So here I am: Flushed.