Fighting the Feeling

I'm fighting the feelings within and desperately grasping for new ones.

I'm fighting the feeling to eat because with food comes calories and with that comes fear of fat.  I'm fighting the feeling of fighting the feeling of eating because I fear that later this may lead to fighting the feeling of wanting to binge and with that comes fighting a feeling of needing to purge.

So then I eat, and now I have eaten.

A sum of my days calories has me feeling upset and disappointed and I'm fighting that feeling.  I'm trying to feel that it is okay because these calories are healthy and they are not going to have me waking up fat tomorrow.  I'm fighting to feel like I'm okay with this calorie count while I glance at the clock that has not yet struck noon.  I'm fighting to feel like I want to do something today as my ass is melting and molding the couch.  I'm fighting to feel like I'm not a fat cow because if then maybe the idea of getting in the shower might sound appealing.  I'm fighting the feeling of thinking I'm hideously ugly because then looking in the mirror to put on my make up might happen sooner.

I feel ugly.  I am fat, my face is fat with pimples, my hair is thinning, I have no up to date clothes.  So I'm basically just a hot mess.

This is the devil on my shoulder whispering in my ear, the devil that we call Ed.  He makes me feel as though I'm hopeless but I know that there is always hope. Always.  And only I have the power to turn it around.  I'm not perfect and Ed likes to constantly remind me of this.  I am just me and I have good points and bad ones but it is up to me to focus and put emphasis on the positive aspects of me and my life, make the best of and try to improve upon the negatives and be the best version of myself that I can.

Maybe I can't be thin and beautiful and stylish today but I don't have to be hideous and get fatter by self-loathing and getting fatter by eating the day away.  I have a smidgen of pretty to work with and I'm of a normal weight, people would not describe me as fat (even behind my back).  This is what I've got to work with and I only I can choose each day, each moment to work with it or against it.  To accept it doesn't necessarily mean that I like it, it just means that I recognize the reality of the situation and do what I can to change it.

Sometimes I got so focused on the bad and wanting to change it that I forget about all the positive things and by forgetting them and not paying them the attention that they need, they suffer.

It is 10 til noon right now and I'm going to get in the shower and start my day, work with what I've got and try to be the best version of myself or as close as I can get to it today.

P.S. Congrats if you made it through my rambly post of me trying to motivate myself! I'd like to reiterate that most of this blog is freewrite style and I rarely proofread.