(can I get a WOOP! WOOP!)
I played softball tonight (I use the term softball loosely...I'm not very good) and we (I brought my mom on the team) (she's better than me, which is sorta embarrassing but whatevs, that's reality) (for the record I did catch a ball today!) stayed after the game for drinks at the bar. For once I was NOT the DD. I had fun and probably made a fool of my[tipsy]self but whatevs, is it better to have no personality? Been there, done that, if I can be myself and have fun (foolishly or not) than it's worth it right!
(Say yes.)
Today was nice, I bounced from lazy to productive and back again all day but all in all was totally fine. I didn't step on the scale this morning to a monstrous number (shocker there, huh?) it was the same as yesterday. I feel like my face is thinner less swollen (puke swell-let us not count the way in which bulimia uglifies) which motivates me to stick to this non-bulimic behavior. I want, so desperately, to say healthy behavior but I know that my thoughts are not, they are completely shallow and superficial.
I was going to start the ABC (with the Pasco twist) today but I didn't, I took a step back and decided against it. I do not want to starve for the rest of my life which is likely the only way that I would be able to sustain the weight I manage after the ABC.
Plus, 50 days? Who am I kidding? How about not setting myself up for failure which would inevitably end in self loathing? I'm pretty sure you'd all be with me on this one, I don't like writing depressing posts any more than you all like reading them!
On the other hand, you're probably not all ecstatic about this post either, all informational and update-y and stuff.
WHAT-EVER, I'M NOT YOUR CIRCUS MONKEY!!(Until we discuss wages, that is.)
(Strike while the irons hot fat. Once I reach my goal weight I'll be Circus Monkeying my ass round the pole with drunk perverts oogling my goodies!.)
(just kidding.)
(I think.)
The Pasco twist is working well for me! I'm fairly certain there is NO way I'll make 50 days though. Hell, even if it were possible I probably wouldn't want to. I'd be skeletor. I'm just hoping the structure of it will keep me safe from bulimia for a while and shake off some of my recently acquired fat! I tell you what, deducting the exercise cals from the daily totals is working wonders. I feel so motivated to go to the gym, because every calorie burnt equates to one more I can eat. Pushes me to go further so I can earn extra food! Most days I'm actually able to eat a reasonable amount. In the short time I think (hope) it might be sustainable for me. In the long term... no way to live!
ReplyDeleteDo what works for you, and well done on hitting 12!
x
haha you crack me up :)
ReplyDeletei*m not your circus monkey...lol.
stay strong, beautiful.
xo
Yay! Good job on getting through day 12. I'm so proud of you. Lol. Your posts always make me smile.
ReplyDeleteI love this blog. You're writing out
ReplyDeletewhat I wish I could write out. You are
strong.
(And awesome on the non-purging/ non-
ugly/puffy face. I'm working on that
as well!!)
I wish you luck. Remember, you are
beautiful.
- Taylor
WOOP WOOP!!
ReplyDeleteAw Flushed 12 days!!! That is such a great achievement.
I'm sorry I haven't commented in so long :( but never think I've stopped reading!! You're blog and writing style is infectious,
keep up this positive outlook
all my love as always, Ophelia xx
ditto on the congratulations for 12 days, i'm glad you managed to get back on the horse to start a new streak!
ReplyDeleteand props for including some method in your madness, recognising when you're setting yourself up for a fall and making a conscious choice to be sensible so you dont lose your whole life to restricting.
those are big steps my dear.
send me an email and let me know how you got through the initial week of your most recent streak please? I can never seem to get past the third or fourth day when the little voice becomes deafening...
ginandtrouble@hotmail.com
by 60 is cold do you mean 60fahrenheit if you do THAT IS NOT COLD madness that is warmth! i work in celisus the average highest temperature my city reached IN SUMMER was 18 celcius which is only 64.4 fahrenheit !!!!!
ReplyDeleteand that is the temp where everybody feels the need to shed layers expose bingo wins and thunderous thighs and if you venture to the beach many a person in a bikini!!
lol
12 days YAY xx