Sunday, December 20, 2009

Bread Battle #2043848303

I was at 1000 cals today, out shopping bought myself stuff and all in a good mood.

And then bread happen.

The drive home was eerily quiet.  I sat fuming, fat, frustrated and fighting myself.  I want to purge.  I need it.  I doubled my cal intake for just dinner, 90% of it bread.  My eyes leaked, just barely, little enough to where I would dry them with my gloved finger without notice.  I do this to myself.  I am my own worst enemy.  Nobody forced me to eat the bread.  But that is my dilemma now, isn't it?  It only has to be offered.  It only has to be there.  This opportunity to screw myself was there and I did.

(In the bad way, not the good)

(And not the bad that means good)

(You know what I mean! Get your mind out the gutter!)

...


(Oh wait--this is my guilty mind in the gutter isn't it? .... huh.)

So I'm blogging now.  Here I blog.  (Just in case you didn't know this already.) I can't purge and blog simultaneously so that means I'm really working hard to make today the 11th day that I go sans puke.  I don't want to do this anymore.  It gets easier right?  I remember it getting easier further along but then, I'm here again.  At the hard spot.  Again.  And my eyes are leaking and my brain is mad at me and I feel like this ultimate screw up. Correction: this ultimately FAT screw up.

What the hell!  People eat all the time and they're fine!  I'm irritated with myself for even feeling this way!  The table next to us each had their own Chocolate Cake desert thingy and left the table all happy.

They were all fat ladies though.


...


Fuck.


Today is going to be day 11 of no self induced vomitting but it's a hard day 11 and tomorrow I will have to work harder ALL DAY in order keep my cool (or whatever) because people will be at work and I will not.

Tomorrow I will be strong.  Am I not demonstrating a certain amount of strength to enforce this will to not purge right now?  (Just say yes.) A will that failed me when I was presented with hot, flaky bread and parmesan flat bread goodness of the devil but damnit(!) I have it now!! (That's right, count 'em: one exclamation, two exclamation for good measure.)  And tomorrow I will make myself have it (before it's too late).  Even if my eyes will leak and my brain gets all cluster fucked and...you get it.


I've really tried been raising my calorie intake, staying around 1000 to 1200 calories a day.  Losing clumps of hair is frightening and was the tipping point.  And then adding the whole no period since June (Okay, this doesn't really concern me that much, I don't want kids so this is actually a helper since I can't be on birth control, or, y'know remove my lady bits on the inside.)  And reading all the blogs of health problems and such, I'd really rather not have heart or kidney problems.

AND, y'know what else? (don't worry, I'll tell you.  I'm generous like that.  You're welcome.)  I want to be skinny FOREVER! FoR-Ev.ER. (Squints style.)  But I don't want to be all fucked up and disordered and getting all crazylike around food forever.

Santa? You hear that?  Just the skinny. Hold the disordered.  And a side of pretty would be wonderful. kthanx.

And a Pomogranate Martini.  Just for fun. :)

I digress.

(But we all know Santa reads my blog, so it had to be noted.)

Anyhoodle, like I was saying.  I want to be skinny and at my goal weight (105-110) for the rest of my life and if I don't want Ed to be part of it then I'm gonna have to learn how to sustain the ish in a way that can become my lifestyle, my easy-peasy, fresh and breezy lifestyle.  I don't want the rest of my life isolated and drowning in numbers cuz then what the hell am I getting skinny for?!  I need to learn how to  stabilize my eating (and overall attitude and mind madness) that happens when I am around food and integrate this into what I want.

I want to be thin.
I want to be beautiful.
I want to be charming.
I want to be smart.
I want to be educated.
I want to be stylish.
I want to travel the world.
I want to have many friends, friends with meaningful relationships.
I want to love and be loved.  By a man.  By my family.  By my friends.
I want to have a successful career that I love.

I want to live, carefree and with gratitude.
I want to do it all be the best version of me.

I want my life to have meaning.

I have been reading your blogs but the comment box I leave empty, the words are not coming as they once would.  I'm am happy for those of you who are feeling successful in your life endeavors (Meg you're self control is wow), whether they be in losing or in love (I'm rooting for you Ophelia and Sar) and I am empathizing with those of you who are struggling (Pasco I want to do ABC your way! But start after Christmas), though our struggles may vary in degree (PrettyWreck my thoughts are with you) is irrelevant, it's still hard but we will get through it.  Where there is a will, there is a way.  Our greatest* obstacle is our self.

(*Note: I said greatest I didn't say only but I do believe once we conquer our self, we can conquer the world!! Muahahahahahahaha!!!!)

(Or just y'know make our lives a little easier.)

(I'm still kinda after world domination though. Just sayin')

Today the battle of the bread was not lost nor won.

Tomorrow I will be in control of my self, it will not control me.
Tomorrow will be day 12.

5 comments:

  1. I know this sounds like a daft question, but really what is so bad about getting fat? You're clearly terrified of it, but what difference would it make if you gained 10 lbs? Sure, it would change you physically, but would you be so shallow as to dictate your whole personality and enjoyment of life based on what you see in the mirror? Would you let your waistline cripple your ability to function in a relationship? You want to be smart and charming and have meaningful relationships, but what do any of those things have to do with what size pants you wear? Getting old and losing youthful beauty/slimness is all part of life, and the longer you focus on escaping it, the more of life you will leave un-lived.

    You don't need to punish yourself. You need to embrace who you are and stop comparing yourself to everyone around you. Equating beauty to happiness and a great personality is such a ridiculous notion. You are smarter than that, and I hate to see you delude yourself to such a crippling, self-loathing extent. I only know your personality, and I like it. What you look like is completely irrelevant.

    Anyone who is any good for you would agree with me.

    -Summer

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  2. Stay strong. Day 12 will be easier than another day 1, i promise.

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  3. What Summer wrote was truly beautiful....
    I'm sorry, I lost my words.

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  4. I think it's wonderful to even be at day 11! I wrestle with wanting to purge daily, it's almost as bad as quitting smoking. I've been good for about 10 days myself. I know you can do it! We can do it! Keep it up, it gets better.

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  5. Day 11 is amazing, congrats. I have to say that was an inspiring blog, you make me want to be stronger, thank you. Good luck

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