Monday, November 30, 2009

All throughout the day scenarios play out in my head.  Continuous dialogue streams in the background of my mind of random scenarios that range from the fantastic to realistic (with a twist of lime and shot of tequila).

In the background today my mom asked me about Thanksgiving and struggled through asking me if I threw up or made myself sick.  I don't know how to answer, I want to laugh and roll my eyes and say, "Oh yeah, with everyone there, yeah right." all sarcastic with that Idontwanttotalkaboutit,Igotitundercontrol in the undertones.

And then I don't want to answer at all, just leave it like, "Do you really have to ask?" And then my mom frowns and looks to the floor as if the right words might magically appear but the wood reflects back in her sad eyes when she sighs and say, "Oh can't do this to yourself, you're not fat.  You look great. You can't lose anymore weight..." and I cut her off and tell her that I'm dealing with it and it was a bad weekend but oh well, that's my life, I made my bed now I have to (refurnish? lol) sleep in it and all I can do is try and get better. I just want to be healthy. And my mom will nod, defeated, her daughter is too smart and too stubborn for her words to penetrate and all she can do is hope that this intelligent beautiful girl with so much potential (yeah, yeah, don't we all wish we really were what our mothers see us to be?!) can either climb out of this hole that she has dug herself into or swallow her pride and ask for help.  And pray that she turns it around before it spirals out of control.

I just want to be healthy.

It's a lie.  A half truth, really.  The broken record of disorder dialogue continues, I keep thinking, Eff it, I'd rather be disordered and thin than fat and "healthy." 

I want both.  I want to be healthy.  I want to be thin.  I have hope that I can and I will be but this hole effed up dialogue? It's got to stop.

The dialogue continues and I can't tell if it's disordered or not or both or what.  I fear that if I gain through the holidays it will inevitably lead to worsening ED and if I can cost until New Years, losing or at least maintaining but not gaining then the New Year could be magically ED free! Or ED easier, really.


Calgon take me away.


  1. Oh girl. You are amazing at expressing yourself through words. You have been given a chance at LIFE!!! So live: ) Fuck food and it's repercussions!!! Just be. Eat for nutrition. You can do it. (So can I)! Let's rise above.


  2. I want to be thin more than healthy too, and I know it's TERRIBLE, but there you have it.

  3. I agree with Sar. Rise above and try to be healthy. Replace binge foods with fruit or whatever. You are a wonderful girl, and you should be able to enjoy life. I love you!

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