Sunday, November 1, 2009

Back in the Habit

I dropped the ball. Again.

I wish I wanted to pick it up again but I'm not sure I do.  It's too heavy. It's too much to carry.  Why bother, I'm just going to drop it again.  Like I said, I wish I wanted to pick it up again.  Instead I just sit here, staring at this proverbial dropped ball, somewhat defeated.  I know it's there, I can just go back to it, right?  When I'm ready?

I so want to be that Powerful, Beautiful, Thin and Glorious woman in my minds eye.  I convinced myself that I could be said woman if I just persisted and strove on.  Pick up the ball as many times as I had to, as long as I picked it back up.

I'm struggling here.  I hate the holidays.  Friends.  Family.  Food.  Gifts.  I just feel a tremendous amount of pressure with each word escalating day by day.  I have very few friends.  My family...we love each other but I often find myself feeling like an outsider at family events.  There's not many of us and we are all at different stages in our lives and different ages on top of that.  The people I do have around me....I just feel guilty, I don't have money to buy gifts, I don't have money to go out and on top of that a lot of this revolves around food and drinks and drinks (alkees...) and I just feel terribly inept.

AND THEN(!) there's me, myself and I.  It's the struggle within myself, of not being the person I want to be.  I just want to freeze time and make the world stop so I can catch up with this vision of myself that I want to be, I don't want to go yet another holiday season of being a fat, ugly, unsociable, broke loner.

I skipped going to a Halloween party because of my b/p episode.

I suck.

And now today, I've felt all weird and lonely and weird and unstable. And hungry. I ate gads and gads of food today but I stayed healthy.  Fruits and veggies, oh my.  But my body feels like, Ooooooh yeeeeeeaaaaaah, this is what nutrition is like! Melikes it!! Lately, I've been getting lazier and lazier...which reminds me, I have laundry to do and chapters to read....

I digress.

I've been getting lazier and with that laziness went my nutrition.  More and more I'm going for the quick food, the processed food and the super duper cheap fruits.  So I went to the store and bought some watermelon, plums and apples.  And my body is like, Ooooooh yeeeeeeaaaaaah, this is what nutrition is like! Melikes it!! 


So anyhoodle, the proverbial anti-bulimia ball is still there and I'm here and the idea of picking it up again all Recovery-like is just too stressful. Double edge sword.  I'mma for less stress.  And when I can get control of the other things (like laundry and homework...and y'know like life or whatever) then I'll think about picking up that ball again all a go-go.  Maybe.  Hopefully.  Sigh....

7 comments:

  1. i know i am sooo dreading the holidays! i just wish i could hibernate through them and wake up all skinny in time for spring.
    be strong.

    meg

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  2. im hoping to catch a horrible illness just in tim for christmas excusing me from the festivities i feel like an outsider to it sucks they laugh and joke or argue about pointless things (who knew arguments about bus lanes could last half an hour) i sit wondering whats the point who gives a shit about bus lanes and how is that joke even funny?

    god we could all have the best christmas ever we could give each other workout dvds/skipping rops etc then spend the day working out with them and the only thing allowed would be lettuce and water wouldnt be bliss :)

    x

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  3. the fact that holiday season is approaching is all the more reason to make sure you've got good patterns going in.

    and stop it with the 'i cant'. None of us 'cant' its just that we choose the easier route. What an absurd notion that somehting other than our own willpower controls us. We manage not to dance naked in the street and kill our mothers when we are angry. Dont give this one thing a free pass. You;ve already proved you dont need it. xxxxxxx

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  4. Even before ED I was an outsider at every event, including family ones. I think it's true for all of us.

    Lulu is right. There's no "can't". You've done it before, you can do it again!

    Prehaps to give yourself a boost, try working on a small unrelated project, even something simple like making a necklace or writing a poem. Then you can say, "Look what I can accomplish when I put my mind to it!"

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  5. I know the ball is heavy and hard to carry, but you are strong and beautiful and you CAN handle it; i know you can! Stay strong, darling. You can do it. I love you!

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  6. euughh I know what you mean, all that freaking food, :( al least we can have goals for christmas, You can handle it do't worry, it's just another thing we have to overcome, stay strong lovely xxx

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  7. i hate holidays too. instant anxiety and stress. thanksgiving is the worst because its just feasting and feasting. i don't know what I'm going to do for thanksgiving. if i go with my bf i won't be expected to eat. if i go to my families i'll probably binge and purge all day just like last year fuck. anyway. you can get out of the b/p cycle. i know you can. stay strong. go for a walk. i love you

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