Sunday, November 8, 2009

Hopefully NEXT weekend will be better



Friday was a total family day.  

In the afternoon we had lunch at a Mexican restaurant, I didn't eat because I'm broke and, of course, because eating out terrifies me!  (The latter of the two I kept to myself obviously) My Cis then kidnapped me, she, her hubby and the kids were coming over that night because my mom was making lasagna so we had it all worked out.

We took a trip to Costco after our extended lunch of talking and me playing with her baby whilst they gorged on fatty mexican food.  I made sure to eat prior so that temptation wouldn't be an issue. (It worked) But after a 2 and half hour lunch and going to Costco, I wasn't immune to the samples...but I wasn't bad.  The fact that my cousin had already eaten and wasn't tempted kept my feet on solid ground.  When I got home I was HUNGRY, the sample snacking just wasn't cutting it.  I had a small and light meal so that I would keep my cool at dinner time knowing that toast and eggplant parmesean was on the menu (vegetarian friendly).

Two glasses of wine later dinner was ready.  Oh yeah, and bruschetta.


Have I ever told you how bread is my achilles heel?

Well, it is and I hate myself.  I'm pretty sure I ate my weight in bread and then on top of that the breaded eggplant and salad and [veggie]cheese and wine and wine and more bread and wine.

Family night means no purging.  Plus, my mom knows about my bulimia, she would have known.  She was already concerned when she saw how much I was eating.  (You'd think that'd snapped me out of it) (Eff you wine! Blinding me so, and weakening my will)

So Saturday I stayed around 500 calories.

And then Sunday. Oh Sunday.


I thought I was okay today and then I broke.  I started freaking out.  The thing is, when we went to Costco my cousin printed pictures going back a few months right up to a few days before Halloween when we where carving pumpkins.  I'm so fat.  I'm so ugly.  I just hate myself.  My skin is terrible.  I have these enormous pimples flooding my cheeks that refuse to go away.  I just want to hide out and never be seen again....oh wait.  That's pretty much what I've done yesterday and today (minus playing softball).

The scale had been hovering a bit at 17.5 (it rounds to the nearest half a pound) and yet there's picture evidence, I'm still fat as hell.  It's not good enough.  I won't be acceptable until at least 110.

I hate my body.
I'm an ugly.

But I won't give up.
I will be skinny.
I will be thin.
My life will get better.

8 comments:

  1. Oh hunny : (
    You are more beautiful than you know.

    Damn bread. I hate it/love it. You know what's up though. Stay strong, and just try to keep restricting this week.

    What is it about the weekends that lead us to binge? I did the same thing!

    Drink lots of water! It may help with your skin : )

    xo

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  2. i know that every time we have fresh bread in the house i have to go on a LOOOOONNG walk, till the smell leaves the house, otherwise i would eat an entire loaf by myself.stay strong and optimistic, i know it gets tough sometimes but we all believe in you and know you will reach your goal.

    meg

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  3. don't give up! it will be better. Keep a positive attitude it makes all the difference. love ya girl!

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  4. familys have gotta be the biggest diet wreckers ever invented

    cosco that place scares me to death i was over the moon when mum decided she didnt want a card anymore (dno if its just britain you need a like membership card thingy lol)

    never give up honey !
    xx

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  5. You're not fat =) I mean, all you have
    to do is look at my current weight and
    compare! Hehe.

    Good luck.

    (Bread is my weakness as well.. wine
    doesn't help with that at all).

    Taylor

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  6. Mmmmm.. Bread is SO a wonderful weakness.. it is second to my cake addiction.. Bread.. hot and warm... and tonight I was just talking about how I missed dinner rolls... Oh, shush! I will stop talking about food.. but... anyhow.. I get the bread thing!
    Stay Strong! You can get there! - 110!!

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  7. FLushed flushed flushed!!!
    I just finished reading The Secret! and Id recommend it! saying things like I am ugly and I hate my body will only make you believe one thos things! and they are not true!!
    You are skinny
    Your are amazing
    You have phenominal will power
    Your are dedicated, determined and committed!
    You will get where your want to!
    I BELIEVE IN YOU EVEN IF YOU DONT!! XX

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  8. Yeah, alcohol ruins everything. I always think I can have just a glass or two of wine and not eat, but it never works. I really need to just stop drinking the stuff.

    ReplyDelete

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