Saturday, February 19, 2011

'I'm Basically Boring' Box


I'm always so critical and frankly, embarrassed of who, what, where, and how I am. I had a project in my public speaking class where we had to make an "All About Me" box where we decorate a box and use adjectives as to what makes up each of us. On the outside is the superficial and on the inside is the personal. Working on my box I felt anxious and embarrassed by it. I feel exposed. On Thursday when everybody had their boxes...mine is vague. While others had all their favorite books, TV shows, brand names, ambitions, past, present, future....I had simply decorated adjectives.


 As you can plainly see, I'm Plain Jane. While I'm think that I'm feeling uncomfortable put out there, in relation to the rest of the class, I am withholding. People got deep. People that you would not guess had much depth, put themselves out there and shared some private things about themselves that I could only imagine sharing with only a select few, and here they were sharing with a class of strangers. Some even got choked up.

It did not occur to me to share this type of information with the class. Just goes to show how reserved I am. Even superficial information about specific books I like. How Google is my Go-To-Guy, it never occurred to share this information with people because it never occurred to me that I could associate these things with myself.

Upon seeing all the different boxes, with all their brand names and random things that they like cut and pasted from magazines or printouts (collage style), I was embarrassed of mine. Looking at my box, could you start a conversation with me? Could you know me better in some way? Probably not. What do you get out of it? That I am not interesting. That I have almost no personality. That I am withholding.

It's a speech class, so we must talk about our box for 5-7 minutes. I could relate to each and ever person in some way. Something on their box was something that I thought, "hey! I could have put that on my box!" And now it's too late, on Thursday it's my turn to start talking about my Plain Jane Box.. and I'm mortified by my...lack of substance? Or things? Or something! I feel like I'm cheating them. Like they've opened up and shared very personal and specific things and I'm so vague and reserved.

Projects like this are so interesting to me. When I hear all about these people it makes me like them because I see that we have a few things in common and that they've got some admirable traits as shown through stories of hardship. Each of us in the class are so different and yet we are so the same. They all have interests, passions, and were hurt in one way or the other, the specifics differ but when judgement is thrown out the door it's hard to not like that person. Listening to each person speak about their superficial interests and they're personal things made me like each and every one of them. I'm afraid that when I present nobody will feel that way about me. I don't know how to open up enough for that.

I am so afraid of being judged (an irrational fear because hellowe! it's inevitable) and yet I judge. Mostly my family and people at the grocery store based on the food in their basket. I started this blog so that I can be free of judgement, it is why I've never posted picture of myself (face or body).

As honest as I am on this blog, even it is vague. I speak about thoughts and feelings but I don't incorporate the fact that I was up late reading a Dan Brown novel or just checked out a couple Don Miguel Ruiz books because my yoga teacher recommended them. Do you know that I wear glasses? Or that my primary new sources lately are from Bill Mahar and Chelsea Handler? My favorite smell is vanilla? If we were to hang out what do we  have in common aside from our ED? What would we talk about?






How about I NOT drink a bottle of wine and then blog, yes?

8 comments:

  1. Your box does not lead me to believe that you are uninteresting. In fact, you having less on the inside, I would have been more curious about you. It seems mysterious. Everyone else in the class was just as nervous getting up in front of the group to talk about themselves--they'll be so worried about themselves being judged, they won't judge you harshly.

    And if they do, you should just punch them. <3

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  2. That sounds like a tough assignment for everyone. How do you guage how much to share? Maybe you could incorporate how you limited what you put in your box due to the fact you are reserved and it takes you a bit to open up to people?

    I didn't think your box was boring, it was more along the lines of mysterious... who is she really?

    I'm curious to how things go on Thursday. Please post :)

    ~ H

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  3. I don't think your box is boring. Actually, I think everyone thinks that they're boring at one point, but you just have to realize your interests, even if they don't seem interesting.

    I still love your blog and your funny writing.
    oxox Lilli
    And btw, I wear glasses too, so there's something in common :)

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  4. Not gonna lie, wifey-pants. The inside of your box did make me a little sad. As hilarious as that picture of you with the boxing glove flying towards your face is (lol, OH NO!), there's so much more to the inside of you than the words you chose to display.

    I mean, ok, everyone else put specifics, shit they like. Blah blah blah. There's nothing wrong with adjectives...so long as you use enough of them.

    Warm.
    Funny.
    Loyal.
    Conscientious.
    Intellectually adventurous.
    Curious.
    Analytical.
    Intense.
    Lusty.
    Self-Motivated.
    Honest.
    Reserved.
    Careful.
    Loving.
    Generous.
    Supportive.
    Encouraging.
    Cute as fuck.
    Sarcastic.
    Sweet.
    Bitter.
    Edgy.
    Tender.
    Sentimental.
    Realistic.
    Clever.
    Amazing.

    I could go on, but I'm texting you right now. HA!

    And eating a bowl of date rape!

    HA!

    <3

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  5. Hello girls I have returned to blogger after trying to lose weight the healthy way and developing a better mental health I gave up I threw it all away to become "Delicate!!" Threw all my hard work away so I could eat from one extreme to another, to get to my goals quicker!! As many of us do we give up and think it will be easier and quicker to try a stupid diet which you only end up binging and back to square one!!

    I am ashamed of my choices and want to continue down my path of being healthy!! I can not believe I nearly threw it all away!! I have decided to give it my all 100% and nothing less!! I will reach my GOALS but in a HEALTHY way!!

    I too want to look great in a Bikini, in that Little Party Dress, in those CK Jeans but I want to ROCK them without feeling GUILTY, without LYING to all those around me and to not be KILLING MYSELF in the process!! I want to look HOT in ULTIMATE HEALTH and HAPPINESS, I want to have AWESOME SELF ESTEEM and I want to ROCK CONFIDENCE!! I want to earn the JOY of achieving HEALTH - HAPPINESS - SELF ESTEEM and CONFIDENCE the right way not the wrong way!! I want this more than anything in LIFE and I am going to get it !! It is now or never, there is no looking back!! Please support me and I will return the favor!! I choose to follow girls with distorted eating as I feel they understand what I am going through compared to "normal eating" girls they just think I am crazy!!

    http://never----ever----give----up.blogspot.com/2011/02/one-place-to-another.html

    I am putting this every where because I know I will influence at least one person out in this great big world to never give up and to keep trying!!

    ReplyDelete
  6. I can totally relate to this...

    I only share the bare minimum with most people in my life. Even my mom doesn't know much about the "real me". The one person who knows the most is my husband he kind of doesn't really know me at all. It's sad really.

    ~MLM

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  7. Minimalist, elegant sense of style and design. Well incorporated on the inside of the box, more dynamic and frantic on the outside.

    Box of "What the fuck do I show that's PC??"

    I wanna steal it and put it under my bed full of treasure <3

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  8. Haha, thats an awesome project. I wish we had projects that cool when I was in school. I am the complete opposite of you. Im such an extroverted open book that everyone can know everything about me if they want. we wouldve been friends in school :)

    ReplyDelete

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