I'm always so critical and frankly, embarrassed of who, what, where, and how I am. I had a project in my public speaking class where we had to make an "All About Me" box where we decorate a box and use adjectives as to what makes up each of us. On the outside is the superficial and on the inside is the personal. Working on my box I felt anxious and embarrassed by it. I feel exposed. On Thursday when everybody had their boxes...mine is vague. While others had all their favorite books, TV shows, brand names, ambitions, past, present, future....I had simply decorated adjectives.
As you can plainly see, I'm Plain Jane. While I'm think that I'm feeling uncomfortable put out there, in relation to the rest of the class, I am withholding. People got deep. People that you would not guess had much depth, put themselves out there and shared some private things about themselves that I could only imagine sharing with only a select few, and here they were sharing with a class of strangers. Some even got choked up.
It did not occur to me to share this type of information with the class. Just goes to show how reserved I am. Even superficial information about specific books I like. How Google is my Go-To-Guy, it never occurred to share this information with people because it never occurred to me that I could associate these things with myself.
Upon seeing all the different boxes, with all their brand names and random things that they like cut and pasted from magazines or printouts (collage style), I was embarrassed of mine. Looking at my box, could you start a conversation with me? Could you know me better in some way? Probably not. What do you get out of it? That I am not interesting. That I have almost no personality. That I am withholding.
It's a speech class, so we must talk about our box for 5-7 minutes. I could relate to each and ever person in some way. Something on their box was something that I thought, "hey! I could have put that on my box!" And now it's too late, on Thursday it's my turn to start talking about my Plain Jane Box.. and I'm mortified by my...lack of substance? Or things? Or something! I feel like I'm cheating them. Like they've opened up and shared very personal and specific things and I'm so vague and reserved.
I am so afraid of being judged (an irrational fear because hellowe! it's inevitable) and yet I judge. Mostly my family and people at the grocery store based on the food in their basket. I started this blog so that I can be free of judgement, it is why I've never posted picture of myself (face or body).
As honest as I am on this blog, even it is vague. I speak about thoughts and feelings but I don't incorporate the fact that I was up late reading a Dan Brown novel or just checked out a couple Don Miguel Ruiz books because my yoga teacher recommended them. Do you know that I wear glasses? Or that my primary new sources lately are from Bill Mahar and Chelsea Handler? My favorite smell is vanilla? If we were to hang out what do we have in common aside from our ED? What would we talk about?