Just...MAD.

It's 12:06am and my day has been wasted on this stupid presentation for Cinema that is like a fucking wild rainbow platypus chase. I didn't even get half of it done and just turned it in (by midnight) because I spent too much time and got too little out of it. It would probably have been a better idea to have not turned in anything at all (but that's rational talk. Rational need not apply here. That's right, mosey along Rational-there's no love in this club for you today). ACTUALLY, it would have been a better idea to say Fuck you to the assignment in the first place and studied for the two midterms I have to do tomorrow instead. Cinema being one of them. What a jackhole to have this presentation due during Midterms ON TOP of giving us a midterm. So I'm basically getting an F the presentation as well as bad grades (D's? C's?) on the midterms I'm taking tomorrow. AND I'm so angry and frustrated and tired right now if my cinema teacher were to be in front of me right now I'd go Zombie Beast on him and bite his head off (CHOMPITY CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP) and then go all Zombies Play Baseball and throw his head against a brick wall and say "STEEEEEEE-RIKE THREE YUR OUTTATHERR!" and then I'll Zombie Ninja his body in half (Hiye-YA!).

I may or may not be a little delusional right now.

Real talk tho, it is my fault and not my teachers. I should have managed my time better. I should have not procrastinated about studying and/or doing the presentation. I'm not so IamtheCenteroftheUniverse (even tho we all know that I am the Center of the Universe, and humble is a game I play to preserve delicate egos) to place my blame on others. I am really just angry with myself and my lack of responsibility and time management. Again, how have I managed this long!? These poor habits of mine. These faults. SERENITY NOW!!! (☜Whatever that means. I remember it from Family Matters.)

Also, I ate too much and in my potbellied remorse bought 30 Day Shred on iTunes (with a gift card) and half assed level one. I was pretty sure a couple times I was gonna puke, cardio is not my forte. Maybe that will change in 30 days? We shall see. The Slim in Six butt that I got wore off and now it's all sag and saddles (well, more so). Seriously, one look at my body is like InstaDepression! Know any happy campers? Show them a picture of my body and tell them it's theirs and WHAMMO! InstaDepression! Act now and you'll get a  T-Shirt that reads: Go fat yourself. FREE!!! Because fuck is a nice word in comparison and this shirt is mean like kerosene (just go with it). Think about it, I would could totally wake up the next morn sans guilt and remorse if I fucked the night before, but to fat the night before? No way Jose! That's a cliff jump waiting to happen! (I live in the valley, it's harder to find a cliff high enough in these parts and gas is just too expensive.)

Okay. I'm going to go dream now about Champagne (because this is what dreams are made of) and sexy men. Let's just hope no Wild Rainbow Platypus's appear or Cinema Teachers or Zombies or Zombie Cinema Teachers or Fitness Instructors or Umpires (cuz I'm the shot caller!) or my current body or little bubbles with the letter A, B, C, D, or E in them or puke cause that's just no sexy.

Steve Urkel and Ninjas welcomed. BYOB tho.

It's like a jungle sometimes it makes me wonder how I keep from going under

uh hah hah ha ha.

Remember that last post? All positive outlooks and uplifting? Me neither. But from you're super sweet comments I gather that the content was not in the drug through the mud mood. Have no fear I'm full of cheers! As in, clinking wine glasses "cheers" not that happy crap. Wine and whine, that's how I do. One or the other or both. The non-solids diet didn't last very long... and oh look who's back! Back again. Vomming is back. Tell a friend. DAMNIT! How'm I gunnah quitchyew? I just don't know.

Today, like most days, was bad in the eating arena. A friend from class came over to study for our upcoming exam and drink wine. Yes, that's how we roll. Winos unite! She came over around 3 and left at... 11? I was thinking our study sesh would be more brief. We study drink a bottle, MAYBE eat some snacks so we don't fall off our chairs, my mom would be home near 5:30 she'd leave around 6. I'd work out, do some more shit for other classes and sleep dreaming about doing inappropriate things to the men in the latest Cosmo Bachelors spread. And to all a good night.

A tub of hummus, a bag of veggies, a bag of pita chips, and a pizza later all I was thinking of was if it was too late to purge. All this and wine. All this, wine, and the eggwhite sandwhich (200) and veggies (100?) that were breakfast, AND the pumpkin cheese smoothie and almonds  AND cheese sandwich (135).

Oh yeah, and there was the sample of pumpkin muffin that I had at Trader Joe's.

I want to be healthy and thin gawdamnit! My actions clearly show that I do not want it bad enough?

All of me is at a constant tug of war. I know that healthy and thin is possible and achievable. I have been trying to eat a balanced diet but the size of my body pushes my brain towards irrational thoughts. Less would be better, it will think. And it pushes further, reminding me again of my body size and reminiscing of the food I have consumed, the calories that I have stacked against me. Vom and lessen that number. And since you are going to vom anyway may as well eat more. It won't count. It's like throwing the food in the trash except you'll actually get to taste it. It will be less of a waste.

Right?

....Right?

Wrong.

I have this crazy mentality with food. A compulsion that I have to eat it now. Right now. Not tomorrow. Not later. NOW! All of it. But that is what it is, a mentality. Mental. It's all in my head. I crave the future. Not just with food but with life. I hate now. I hate this moment. I hate myself and my life right now.

I went to my academic counsellor and I realize I am not going to be ready to transfer until Spring of 2012. I'm 25 guys. I'm old for school as it is. But it is worth it. I'm trying to accept that I'm going to be in school until at least thirty. Let's hope I'm finished by 40. Seriously, pray for me or something.

I'm wining and whining down now..... it's sleepy time. Maybe I'll wake up tomorrow and me and my life will be what I want it to be...  Do you ever just wonder how the hell you managed to survive this long?

Dear Santa, I want a Time Machine. Kthnx.

"Acceptance says, True, this is my situation at the moment. I’ll look unblinkingly at the reality of it. But I’ll also open my hands to accept willingly whatever a loving Father sends me." 

--Catherine Marshall

I'm not all Father, The Sun, and Holy Spirit or however that goes but I liked this quote. We all know that I'm not pleased with my current situation, but the reality of it is that it is my current situation. I've asked the blogiverse for a Time Machine numerous times to no avail. Either somebody is holding out of me or the shit just don't exist. So I guess I'm gonna just have to deal with life until somebody figures out that "sharing is caring" and they need to care about me, the asshole. 

My big problem is I'm a thinker and not so much a doer. Good news tho! (For me, at least, notsomuch you-sorry) I have been managing to do little do's and cleaning up the edges of my withering life. Unwither spraying that shit so I can harvest and collect my coins. (Oh fuck, Kazehana you ruined my life with Farmville)

• My room is livable.
• I haven't purged in 7 days.

You would not believe how these two things are so amazing to me. These are two things that I have been enduring all summer. (Maybe even spring? Whatever.) To be able to sit in my room and not wanna fly the fuck off the handle is fantastic! It's far from the kitchen and I don't eat in here (though wine happens). It's been a big contributor to the 7 days that I've been sans the Vom Monster. 

Another, even larger, contributing factor to the 7 Vom free days is my new Smoothtastic Diet. Sorry chickadees but it's no weightloss diet. The Smoothtastic is the Pureed Status of my food before I eat it. Smoothies, Soups.... blend, blend, blend in the Magic Bullet it goes! No chewing. For some odd reason there is no desire to Vom the smoothie/soup and it's filling. Though I do overindulge still (I'm a gluttonous cow-but a NONVOM gluttonous cow, at least). I blame the combination of it's deliciousness and my boredom.

I try to be sure to get in protein and nutrients in the smoothies and I plan on cutting down on the portions so I can actually lose. Also, I'm hoping a side affect will be the shrinkage of the stomach. But for now it's Mission: NonVom so that's where my focus mainly is.

Speaking of focus, I need one. Something to feel passionate about. Kazehana has been playing a part-time role of my Life Coach or something to help me with my "Existential Crisis's." Her diagnosis is basically that I don't participate in life, which, of course, is absolutely true. Her prescription is to find something I'm passionate about to get my heart pumping and want to dive right into life. I was hoping for something along these lines: 

'Cept in 3D and brainwashed to worship me.

Right. So, if that doesn't happen (which we all know that IT WILL because the Universe is going to realize that "Sharing is caring" and that it cares about me so it will deliver me Mr. Sex-ay and we'll live passionately ever after on a vineyard in Italy with endless side salad of bliss and happiness.) I'll just have to distract myself with other passions in the mean time. 

First, I'm going to have to find some passions. Passions that don't involve food, vomming, money, or ruining peoples lives. Because food makes me fat, I'm going to look like a damn frog with the way my glands are always swoll from vomming, I'm broke, and ruining peoples lives is just mean. 

Any ideas? What are you passionate about?

Everyday

No matter what we do time moves forward. This seems to be a big issue for my mind; time. I read a quote on another blog.

"Everyday is a new opportunity to make new decisions."

I read that quote in class and realized that by reading blogs while I my full attention should have been on the movie we were watching that I was making a wrong decision. I read the quote several times over and turned a page in my notebook and began to write (nothing groundbreaking; I was sober). In the class immediately following the teacher was telling us how if we are not studying, we are wasting our tuition dollars. If we are not being assertive with our education than we may find the transition from community college to university all the more difficult.

Though I learn and get a lot from class (blog reading is only when the teacher is not actively teaching) I am nearly wasting my tuition dollar. I will find the transition to a University difficult. I am slacking. I cannot bring myself to write what is required, only when I am down to the last desperate minutes do I perform (and the performance is lackluster, at best). I want to write a great paper, hell, even a good paper would suffice. I want to be a good group member and contribute. Again and again my thoughts do not become actions.

My brain is a fickle fuck. When I am not thinking or learning of anything it craves learning. When I have the opportunity to learn I focus my attention elsewhere, on something more trivial like FB games (friend me I need more "It Girls" in my clique & neighbors to Farm, you harvest my crops I harvest yours? Or challenge me at Tetris, I'm a "Contender") or b/p'ing; keeping myself in limbo. I do enough to not fail, but not so much to where I can succeed.

My attitude towards life is worse than the one for school. I actually like learning. I don't care much for living. "Everyday is a new opportunity to make new decisions." Everyday, in my life, is just another day. I place no stock in today. I find that everyday I seem to make just about the same decisions as the previous day and think that I'll start tomorrow, or Monday, or the beginning of the month.

October 1st has come and gone and now it's almost 3am on the 2nd. I binged badly twice and half assed a couple of vom sessions. I did not exercise. I did not complete any homework. I did not respond to my friends when they texted me. I did not mingle when my family was over. Basically, today was the same as yesterday, and practically everyday the past few months. I am simply existing and going through the motions. My life is like a 3 day game of Monopoly, it is 3am and I just keep rolling the dice when it's my turn and hope soon this hamster wheel of a game–of a life–will just be over already. Or magic will happen I'll land on Free Parking get a boatload of money and my opponent will sell me prime real estate for less than half of it's worth. And then I'll go to the Monopoly Plastic Surgery center and get lipo, boobs, a new face, and a brain transplant. Then I'll go shop to excess, and be the 'It Girl' at all kinds of fun parties, and then I'll retire to pretty farm (with a winery!) and look up at the moon and stars and...and...just smile. The kind of smile that is with every organ, every cell in my body purely joyous.

Is that shit even possible? Is it even possible to be happy mind, body, and spirit? It's starting to be a concept that I can't even imagine. Even my daydreams seems lackluster these days. On the rare occasion that I do feel something/anything in my dreams, when I wake up I seem to be twice as miserable. What's happening to me? This is not a life. There are so many people who want to live and are dying, and here I am hating my existence.

My mom called me today telling me how she was buying me health insurance. My insurance through her expired yesterday because I'm too old. I did not ask her she just did it. She said that since I was paying for my schooling that she would pay for my health insurance. It's nice of her; caring. Can you believe I am not happy about this? There goes my excuse to not visit the doctors. There is the insurance that will do what it can to make me live, whether I choose to or not. There lies the guilt of wanting to die and my mom wanting so desperately for me to be well. There lies the guilt of my mom paying for something that she should not have to (that I don't even want).  There lies the feelings of failure that I am 25 and I am not independent. The fact that my disordered mind is tearing me away from... life.

Time passes and each minute that goes is gone. What will it take for me to make take that new opportunity; make that new decision, and step out of this hamster wheel. And with each passing minute I think why bother now when too minutes have already passed me by. What makes today any more special than yesterday? There is always tomorrow.