Tuesday, May 3, 2011


Trying to not suck Completely & Devastatingly at school.
Trying not to spend like the color of my credit card is Platinum.
Trying not sink further into this Cycle of Fuckery.

I feel like a damn rotten apple lately. Ideally, I'm Golden Delicious. Let's pretend that makes sense. Pretending is good. I like pretending. Reality is... Rotten Apple Status. Bloody Rotten Apples if you get my drift. And I like apples! That's the worse part! I have 3 weeks of school left, then I'm going to work full-time and everybody at the Job is super happy about it (including me, are you feeling the Workplace Love? cuz it's there!). These are good things. Like apples. Rotten is the Pain in the Lupus and Menstrual Biznazz & Stressity StressPants of School.

Work > School.

Thus, I'm taking the summer off to work. Plus, my SadPants bank account needs some fattening. That is THE ONLY thing around here that needs fattening tho. Fat bank accounts promote shoe shopping, which I'm pretty sure is a step in the right direction to world peace. And who doesn't like world peace? Hilter was even on board with that, but he wasn't as smart as I am and he didn't think that shoe shopping would be the way to do it. Idiot.

Fat Money = Good.
Fat Anything Else = Bad.

Speaking of summer. Breaks and paychecks aren't all that the season entails. Bathing Suits. Summer involves bikini's and bbq's... oh my. In fact, next weekend I'm Momma Pleasing on Mother's Day and she wants to spend time by the pool. Did I mention the NomVoms and Bloat as of late? Right.

It's only my mom, I'm stressing over wearing a bikini and it's only in front of my mom. It's not like I'm parading around on stage or around anybody I'll know. But I'm still freaking out. I can't even bear to see the HorrARRE in the mirror, let alone in front of people. How stupid is this? Don't answer that; I'm well aware.

And I'm TRYING! I'm trying to get the upper hand in the weight game. The upperhand comes, however, not when there is "trying" but when there is "DOING." I need to be a doer. I just need... something. I need fire. I need "umph." You guys! I don't have any "umph!" Without "umph" there is no fight! There is no fire! Speaking of dying fire... smoldering embers, if you will, I'm ty-yerd!


  1. I'm mentally not reading to think about having to wear a bathingsuit around anyone. I may just have a breakdown so I shoved that thought in the don'tthinkaboutitnow box.

    fuck the mind fuckery. it's such a bitch.

    ~ Harlow

    show shopping really does solve a lot of problems. even if only temporarily.

  2. "Fat bank accounts promote shoe shopping, which I'm pretty sure is a step in the right direction to world peace."
    I'm think you should be working for the UN.

    I hate summer, and all that it entails. Mostly bathing suits. Between the fat and stretch marks and scars, it's just an epic panic attack at every turn...

    Good luck with Momma Pleasing! I've been prepping for 2 months. 5 siblings + any birthday/holiday involving presents = Battle on the Somme style parent-pleasing.


  3. Ah, shoe shopping. Cheaper than therapy! (sometimes... :P )

    It's not stupid at all! Like Mich said up there, between the fat and the scars...I have a mini panic attack every time I think about it! Except, I have less than a week of school left before I re-enter the world of "the last time they saw me I was 3 pounds lighter..." EEEK!

    Don't worry about your mum tho, think of it as...a baby-step towards being in front of other people. EEK or not... :/ Stay strong hun!!

  4. I didn't go to the pool OR beach once this summer! Damn I feel like a loser D:

    I fully support this not-failing and bank-account-fattening plan.

    Let me know when you're making a run for World Dominayshun. Your shoeshopping scheme sounds perfect!



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