Sunday, May 15, 2011
Views from Stress Mountain
I have about a week of school left. Give up? Yes Please. Oh wass that? I already put in my order for that? Well then. I'm pretty much failing all of my classes. I should be doing homework right now but like a bulimic puppet I'm NomVoms away. Plus, is it even worth doing? I don't know. My stress point is at it's apex. Adding stress is like pushing my body further onto this bed of nails that I've made for myself but for some reason I just won't get off the bed. I've climbed to the top of my proverbial Stress Mountain. I can't brain anymore, so here I sit on my mountain waiting for... something magical to happen? I'm pretty sure that's what mountain climbing is about.
Newp. No magic. (Yea_I_donewannahearItoldyouso) Just me atop a mountain of stress. All sadpants and vommery. It just doesn't feel right to climb down the mountain until schools over... even though I've completely stopped trying. But then...why am I still hanging onto all the stress? Why am I still going through the motions of a stressed out girl worried about finals? I'm hanging onto the stress because it is all I know. What is it like to just do things without the drama?
That's what stress and worry is, I think; drama. I can not wash the dishes and gross out and procrastinate because I don't wanna get my hands wet and I can give myself shit each minute that goes by with the nagging thought of "do the dishes." At the end of the day, all that drama is (1) not getting the dishes done and (2) not changing anything about the dishes; there is no magic that happens when I stress and worry; where a Stress Fairy waves her magic wand and makes the dishes less dirty or less there. (I may need red glittery heels like Dorothy, that may be key) So I just torture myself with the nagging. Same thing with school (and everything else in my life). I add the drama of stress and worry. But the shitty part is... I don't know how to be otherwise.
I don't know how to not stress. It feels... wrong. I have this weird feeling of guilt if I am not stressing over something. I'm selective in my stress, I choose work, school, finances, and, of course, weight. I leave little to absolute zero room for things outside this realm. I don't know what to do with myself. I can be taking steps to help with some of these stressors but the thought of tackling any of the tasks is daunting. And so I do nothing. I shut my brain off. Gaze with blind eyes at the television, clicking my way to random articles on the internet and skimming with half interest. I'm going through the motions but nothing sinks in. Another day wasted. But it's not just another day, really. It's my life that I am wasting. But I don't know how to live. I'm afraid to.
And this crazy belief that I need to be stressed about something and everything is utterly ridiculous and annoying. Because I'm a thinker and I've thunk this thought. Trying to trace back to the root cause. And where does it go, you ask? Mommy issues. Sonnuva!! Always blaming my mom. It's the only break I get! If I'm not stressing about something than she assumes everything is gravy. I have to add the drama of stress so that she won't push me, so that she won't nag me. It's lame really, I stress myself out (consequently poking my Lupus Monster in the ribs whilst it tries to sleep) and when she tries to come at me with anything, I play the stress and Lupus card. It's my excuse. It's weaksauce.
It's like if I were to call in sick to work without the sickness, I would end up getting sick because of the guilt. I'm calling in Stress and Lupus to life and ending up more and more Stressed and Lupey. The mind is powerful, y'all! It can do things! From arithmetic to sickness. It's the guvna or something and I need that bitch to change direction. Just gotta figure out how...