Struggly

Today the cashier at Trader Joe's asked me how my day was. I was paused for thought and replied, "I'm so glad tomorrow is Friday." He saw, "Today sucked." in my eyes and, "I'm trying to get passed it." in my weak smile.

Somethings is rotten in denmark y'all. And by "Denmark" I mean my bowels. And by "rotten" I mean stubborn. Shit just isn't happening without little blue pills. And it took 3 round of 3 blue pills for the Shit Mongers to do their duty on a weeks worth of intake. I realize I've been blogging A LOT on this topic lately but do you have any idea how it feels to have a weeks worth in you? Week after week? It's painful and awful. And I suppose the only worse than laxxies working is laxxies NOT working. And I'm trying so hard to correct my ED bad habits.

As much as I try to eat right. As much as I'm trying to exercise. My body denies me the Feel Good and has me feeling like shit. Literally and figuratively, of course. And the scale numbers are so high and though my body may not necessarily reflect this in the fullest in the way of flab, the size of my body does. It's frustrating.

I slept from the time I got home yesterday until waking up to go to work this morning and still felt like I had only 3 hours of sleep. I felt awful today and it wasn't helping that the lax were in full swing. And I could not satisfy my hunger. So I ate and shit and bitched all day. I'm a peach.

I really wanted to fuckitall and nomvom today. I can't win. That was my reasoning. I didn't want to though. More of me didn't want to nomvom and through my health away than the part that did. NomVom was more of a give up and make myself feel worse which made the fact that I just wanted to call it a loss of a good day as opposed to a slaughter.

Today it wasn't "all or nothing." Trader Joe's was after I got home and saw that there was no food. I looked at the Vegan Trail Mix Cookies and the allure that they had in my mind's eye on the drive home from work was not there in person. I bought my regular healthy food and moved on. The TJ's cashier also said, "If it's a trying week that means your doing something right."

I hope he is right. I really want to be healthy. I may have boughts of misery but there is a light at the end of the tunnel to health, notsomuch for the ED tunnel.

Two Steps Forward and One Step Back

Who is stepping forward? THIS GIRL! (I'm pointing at me. Like a Champ.) (CHAMP!) 

In my blue suede shoes!

Okay, maybe not that last part, but if I blue sued pumps, I may or may definitely rock them and point at myself. Point at myself like a Champ. I suppose a Champ In Training would be more accurate. 

I continue to progress. I may have NomVommed on Sunday but 1 day out of 14 is definitely a huge improvement. HUGE. I've also been exercising (however minimally) just about everyday. I eating healthy, balanced and homemade without getting cray cray. I've been more social (cue: gasp). And I'm seeing improvements in my overall physique. DO YOU HEAR THAT SCALE?! FUCK YOU! I'M IMPROVING!

*ahem*

Bitch Scale is stubborn. And mean. As are my clothes.... so basically this means that my body is just reshaping. Whatever. I'll take it. Improvement is improvement. Curves > Lumps. True Story. Plus, I'm eating and I'm not vomming. The best is yet to come. I'm building muscle, I can tell because I feel stronger. Not like The Hulk Status, for the record. My fat is starting to join Team Muscle. Or die. Either way. I'm not losing.

Since I had a good week (health-wise) today I started jogging. I don't jog, you guys. This is Big. I'm following one of those beginner runner training mabobbers. Today was day 1. I'm alive. So far, so good. Onward to Day 2.

A win is a not lose.

Rather unsuccessful at failing this week, which is a win. I put effort into not failing, though it's more of a Win Week by default. I did not exercise as much as I'd liked to and I overate some days.

Non-losing aspects of this week: I ate healthy foods; that I prepared. (Preparation is bonus points!) I did some intervals workouts... okay, like a half of an interval or two... Moving > Not Moving. (Default Win.) I kept the house clean, which had me feeling good when I woke up each morning.

I'm kind of proud of Not Failing this week considering: I'm on my period, My mom is out of town (free to nomvom in peace), and I was constipated all week. ALL WEEK! I'm five days pregnant with shit, which is Poo Time is quite significant. I finally bought some laxies today after work and hopefully by tomorrow in the AM I'll have.... delivered.

Non poopery is a sign that my digestive system is fucked, my metabolism is about as quick as a snail in molasses. And let's not even get into my relationship with food, the mirror, and numbers.

Bulimia is no way to live and a slow road to dead. Trying to find a reasonable detour to get back to Life Boulevard.

Bad Planning

Friday.... hah! No starting on Friday Starters up in here! Let us count the ways in which Friday Starting was a bad idea. 

1. Mom leaving. Empty house means loneliness which results in emotions. Bad News Bears.
2. Holiday Weekend. Holidays mean Crazy Food Environments in which one of many ramifications include anxiousness to the max.
3. Period on the rise. 'Nuff said.

There ya have it, 3 good reasons why Friday resulted in NomVomminess. Oh well. Starting back at one today. The second. A Saturday. Day one of the Red Tide. During a holiday weekend. Let us not count the ways in which this is not a recipe for success. This road is going to be long, hard and slow. Long, Hard and slow in a Non Pleasurable way. 

Anyhow, I did start counting my calories in a guestimatey sort of way and I'm at an upwards of 1800-2000 cals these past 2 days. (Prevom on Friday) That's crazy right? (Rhetoricle.) It is indeed. I could share with you the endless Talks of Dissapointment and Disgust that I had with myself but I'll spare you. Partly because, they didn't happen and mostly because that's just eye pollution for you. What I am gonna do is all I can do. Look forward.

Clearly, better meal planning needs to take place. Being a vegetarian and trying to avoid processed foods coupled with Being The Laziest Girl On Planet Earth makes meal planning a bit more on the efforty side. Try no processed food for a week, I challenge you! GO! Just kidding, do what works for you :) What is going to start working for me (because I'm going to make it a habit) is preparing food for the week. I did fairly well the last two weeks of prepping lunches for the week but there is room for improvement. Like minding my calories by preparing more low cal foods like eggwhite salad and incorporating lots of vegetables. Which means I'm going to have to get better at picking out vegetables in the store. I tend to go for vegetables that are frozen or prepared for you. LazyPants.

Also! Exercise! Getting to the gym. I'm going to shoot for 2-3 mornings at the gym which means I'm going to really have to get good rest at night. I've realized what helps me sleep better is being prepared. I wake up easier when my clothes are clean, my gym bag is ready, my lunch is ready to roll and oddly, when my room is clean and the dishes are washed. Cleanliness and organization does something magical to the psyche. Even if I stay up a little later than I wanted, when everything is prepped and clean, the rest is restier. 

Not trying to move mountains or anything with getting better. I'm trying to be reasonable and make small changes. Although I would love to wake up skinny and perfect tomorrow, with a life all healthy balanced and streamlined that shit just ain't gonna happen, and if it did, it's unlikely that it would happen for very long. Fit and healthy and thin is what I long in the long run. I'd much rather be healthy and thin and fit in a year for many years than thin in a month and fat the month of two after that. It's clear that I can't keep up this crazy ED charade without being unhappy.