Struggly

Today the cashier at Trader Joe's asked me how my day was. I was paused for thought and replied, "I'm so glad tomorrow is Friday." He saw, "Today sucked." in my eyes and, "I'm trying to get passed it." in my weak smile.

Somethings is rotten in denmark y'all. And by "Denmark" I mean my bowels. And by "rotten" I mean stubborn. Shit just isn't happening without little blue pills. And it took 3 round of 3 blue pills for the Shit Mongers to do their duty on a weeks worth of intake. I realize I've been blogging A LOT on this topic lately but do you have any idea how it feels to have a weeks worth in you? Week after week? It's painful and awful. And I suppose the only worse than laxxies working is laxxies NOT working. And I'm trying so hard to correct my ED bad habits.

As much as I try to eat right. As much as I'm trying to exercise. My body denies me the Feel Good and has me feeling like shit. Literally and figuratively, of course. And the scale numbers are so high and though my body may not necessarily reflect this in the fullest in the way of flab, the size of my body does. It's frustrating.

I slept from the time I got home yesterday until waking up to go to work this morning and still felt like I had only 3 hours of sleep. I felt awful today and it wasn't helping that the lax were in full swing. And I could not satisfy my hunger. So I ate and shit and bitched all day. I'm a peach.

I really wanted to fuckitall and nomvom today. I can't win. That was my reasoning. I didn't want to though. More of me didn't want to nomvom and through my health away than the part that did. NomVom was more of a give up and make myself feel worse which made the fact that I just wanted to call it a loss of a good day as opposed to a slaughter.

Today it wasn't "all or nothing." Trader Joe's was after I got home and saw that there was no food. I looked at the Vegan Trail Mix Cookies and the allure that they had in my mind's eye on the drive home from work was not there in person. I bought my regular healthy food and moved on. The TJ's cashier also said, "If it's a trying week that means your doing something right."

I hope he is right. I really want to be healthy. I may have boughts of misery but there is a light at the end of the tunnel to health, notsomuch for the ED tunnel.