Thursday, April 1, 2010

I'm sinking

I'm sinking into depression, I think.  On Wednesday I was driving to school (35-40 minutes away) and from minute 5 until I parked I was fighting tears.

And losing.

You know how you fold a hose to stop the water and then the pressure starts building up and leaking through?  That's what it felt like inside of me.  I tried to tighten my grip on the hose but the pressure was still building.  A couple of time I lost it for a few moments, sobbed maybe even convulsed a little because I was fighting it so hard and focused on folding that damn hose again.  Crying hysterically is not safe driving. (Not that I was thinking of preserving my own life, I was more concerned with my car and other people.)  I cried silently most of the way, trying to think how I normally stifle these feelings.

I thought about dying though.  The idea of drowning was actually appealing, with all the emotions welling up inside of me I felt like I was already halfway there.  Although the idea seemed fitting to the feelings I just couldn't do it to my mom.  Especially because she is on vacation, can you imagine coming home and finding your daughter dead in the pool?  I tried.

Healthy thinking?

Exactly, I'm pretty sure I'm depressed.  Tuesday night when I came home I was feeling very upset and I thought, "this is the kind of night where my mom will notice and coax it out of me and I'll sob hysterically and choke out, I. Don't. Knowow-boohoo hoooo... when she asks me for the 18th time what is wrong.  I'll try and simplify my emotions and just say that I hate myself and I'm a failure.  I don't say what I'm really thinking usually, my mom has a hard time with death.  There's been a few suicides in her life, one being her brother.  

I digress.

I got to school, got a good parking spot, wiped the black streaks off my face, fought, leaked again, started my car and drove back home.  There is just no way that I would have been able to hold myself together for an hour and half and I know my teacher will say something to me and I'll explode.  There is no way in hell I'm going to put myself in a situation where I fall apart in front of an entire class.  Or just anybody in general, actually.

Driving back home I considered calling my Sis and crying on her shoulder but then I couldn't.  I'm too far gone into depression, it's humiliating.  It's a general failing at life.  I couldn't call my mom but, like I said, she's on vacation.  Really, what's that gonna do but plant a little seed of sadness in her brain, she doesn't need to be feeling sad when she's on vacation.  I didn't even want to talk about it because I really just don't know what the hell is wrong with me (besides everything).  I just wanted a hug, preferably from my mom.  It helped to imagine her arms around be telling me it's alright but I still don't feel alright.

It wasn't until I got home and ate, not because I was hungry but just because, that I actually felt I had numbed myself of the overwhelming emotions (as per usual).  I guess my body distracted itself with digesting and feeling fat.

I don't know what to do with myself.  I'm slowly slipping through the cracks.  I've already alienated myself from people.  No job.  Just school and that's slipping too.  I got my second essay back and I still suck at sentence construction and writing with a purpose (not at all surprising).  On the bright side, she did say I had a "wonderful witty way" about my writing which I accredit to my sentence construction issues and writing without purpose, of course.  You can't have your cake and eat it too Nazi de English.

I'm fat and growing and terrified of the scale.  My clothes are all tight.  I know I need to step on the scale and face the [sad, sad] music but I hate reality (in case you missed that in the whole Icryfornoreason or drowningsoundsnice).  I really do just want to be dead, I have absolutely no energy or will for anything.  I've been silently crying while I type this post wondering what it will take to turn things around and there is nothing.  Anytime I think of the future there is depression in the air, a darkness to the light, I am in slow motion and the thinks around me seemed to be at a normal speed.

I'm drowning.  I wonder if I can die with my thoughts alone.  If I can go to sleep tonight and never wake to tomorrow.  I wonder if I can tell my lungs to stop breathing, my heart to stop beating and my mind to shut down indefinitely.

Today was a little better, I spent most of the day stuffing my gob in front of the tv. (Okay, all of the day-save the hour or so I spend to shower and squeeze into actual pants.)  I got absolutely nothing done.  No laundry (I just might have to wear my bikini bottoms tomorrow in lieu of underwear) and I missed class. Again.  I have always been one to go to school and work, not the play hookey type.  I've forced myself to go to work when I couldn't walk, when I couldn't breathe and when I was barely functioning because I just didn't see any sense in skipping–it only makes more work when you return.

A couple of summers ago I couldn't stop crying at work, had to leave early and I sobbed uncontrollably for 2 days.  I thought drowning was a nice idea then too.  I can feel the pressure, even now, in the back of my throat pushing at me willing me to indulge and stop fighting the tears.  The thing is I'm afraid that once I let them come they will be relentless and I will not be able to shut them off.

Eating, purging, smoking–all done in excess and all affecting my throat. (Yes, I would stress and chain smoke my throat raw.)  Come to think of it, I stopped smoking when I turned 21, 2 months later I was swallowing my fingers.  I have a problem with alcohol too, once I get to a certain drunkeness it's all or nothing and all is basically alcohol poisoning myself.  I puke until I black out.

It seems that, ultimately, it's always my throat that takes the beaten when I indulge.


  1. First off, I wore my bikini bottoms yesterday for the same reason. You are not alone :)

    Secondly, sometimes it's good to just sit down and have a good hysteric fit. Regress to infancy. Of course, for this to be helpful, you have to be in a place where you feel safe and comfortable (e.g. without worry of alarming someone or being interrupted etc). We stifle our feelings so much and insist on being strong and unbending. Give yourself permission to be weak. Embrace your natural urges as a human being.

    I have no advice on depression since I'm a notorious offender. Right now, however, I've read through 2 books in 3 days for leisure. I can't remember the last time I sat down and read a book for fun. It felt good to tuck myself away from the world and retreat into a place of escape. Find the healthiest escape, and go with it. Worry about school, and your social life, and your poor dear throat tomorrow.

    I'm sorry for basically writing a blog post in your comment section but I care deeply about you and hate to see someone feeling hopeless and helpless about things that are largely circumstantial.

    You are incredible.

  2. ditto to alot of this
    you gotta get to school and keep busy it doesnt make it go away but it helps savorys reading idea also is really good works for me or find something that makes you happy non food currently i am knitting


  3. I have days like these a lot. You will get through this because you are strong. I hope these next few days are better for you. Sending hugs through cyber space.

  4. Savory's advice is the best! really, reading and getting lost in a book helps a lot. it is what I did the following days afte rmy last emotional breakdown and it helped to get through the time until I was to see a shrink for the first time

  5. I understand exactly how you are feeling. I have been feeling the same way and on Monday I had a complete breakdown by myself. I felt a little better but I am still fighting back the tears. I try to hide it from everyone around me and it is pretty easy since I don't really have anybody right now. I tried explaining it to my mom and she didn't really understand why I was upset so that pretty much failed and made me feel even worse. I don't really know what to say except that maybe if you just let yourself have a good cry session you might feel better... or if you need someone to talk to I'm a really good listener... you can email me anytime! I hope this helped.

  6. i just read that whole post, and cried the entire time. you sound so much like me, your words are my words. i hope you get better hun. ive been in a severe depression for months now. it sucks, but we can get better. itll all be okay.

    stay strong love.


(or e-mail: