I'm fat and growing and terrified of the scale. My clothes are all tight. I know I need to step on the scale and face the [sad, sad] music but I hate reality (in case you missed that in the whole Icryfornoreason or drowningsoundsnice). I really do just want to be dead, I have absolutely no energy or will for anything. I've been silently crying while I type this post wondering what it will take to turn things around and there is nothing. Anytime I think of the future there is depression in the air, a darkness to the light, I am in slow motion and the thinks around me seemed to be at a normal speed.
I'm drowning. I wonder if I can die with my thoughts alone. If I can go to sleep tonight and never wake to tomorrow. I wonder if I can tell my lungs to stop breathing, my heart to stop beating and my mind to shut down indefinitely.
Today was a little better, I spent most of the day stuffing my gob in front of the tv. (Okay, all of the day-save the hour or so I spend to shower and squeeze into actual pants.) I got absolutely nothing done. No laundry (I just might have to wear my bikini bottoms tomorrow in lieu of underwear) and I missed class. Again. I have always been one to go to school and work, not the play hookey type. I've forced myself to go to work when I couldn't walk, when I couldn't breathe and when I was barely functioning because I just didn't see any sense in skipping–it only makes more work when you return.
A couple of summers ago I couldn't stop crying at work, had to leave early and I sobbed uncontrollably for 2 days. I thought drowning was a nice idea then too. I can feel the pressure, even now, in the back of my throat pushing at me willing me to indulge and stop fighting the tears. The thing is I'm afraid that once I let them come they will be relentless and I will not be able to shut them off.
Eating, purging, smoking–all done in excess and all affecting my throat. (Yes, I would stress and chain smoke my throat raw.) Come to think of it, I stopped smoking when I turned 21, 2 months later I was swallowing my fingers. I have a problem with alcohol too, once I get to a certain drunkeness it's all or nothing and all is basically alcohol poisoning myself. I puke until I black out.
It seems that, ultimately, it's always my throat that takes the beaten when I indulge.