Sunday, April 4, 2010

It's Easter

My mom is on the other side of the continent, my family members are all off doing their own thing.  I'm sure they would extend an invitation if they knew I was doing nothing, in fact, my Sis did invite me to go to the park to celebrate the holiday with her hubby's side of the family.  I ignored her text last night asking me if I still wanted to go.  In fact, I've ignored every text I've received in the past 24 hours, I've not left the house since Wednesday or done anything at all.

I am depressed.  I know now.  I don't have any desire to do anything at all.  Yesterday I turned the TV (around 5ish) off and sobbed in the silence of my home.  I was actually trying to cry, trying to get this emotion–this sadness out of me.  I was trying to force the stubborn tears out, I made sobbing noises until I realized.  I was stuck.  I could not cry but I couldn't not sob.  I couldn't breathe but I didn't want to.  My body wretched on the couch pushing against anything, my eyes squeezed shut and my mouth stretched open, I just wanted it to be out.  I don't know what it is but it's still festering inside of me.  And then I was hugging myself in fetal position unblinking and staring at nothing, not breathing and willing myself to just die.  Imagining a ghostly fist entering my body and clutching my heart to stop it from beating.

I managed to will myself to sleep disappointed each time my phone chimed a text or an e-mail that I was still alive.  I want die.  I want to be dead.  I just don't want to do it.

And still today, I ignore my texts. My mom texted me a picture of her boyfriend holding up a fish he caught and then hours later she texted again with "I don't understand, is that how you feel?" I panicked and wondered if I had sent her something I tweeted?  I didn't but I'm still confused as to what it means.  I didn't reply because I am dead.   I don't trust myself to text, if it is happy it will be fake and if it is morbid it will be in her mind and she'll wonder if I am depressed or if I'm just being dramatic.

Actually, that's what she always thinks when I say I wish I were dead.  Only when I am a wreck does she consider that I am depressed and hurting.  But she only thinks this grudgingly, convincing herself that I've just hit a little rough patch, cry a little put a bandaid kiss it better and get back out there.  When she sees a sign of normal-person behavior she puts her mind back at ease that it's just me and I'll be fine.  She can't handle the thought that there is something completely wrong with me.  She thinks I am strong and that I have so much potential.  It's all a lie.  I am not strong with potential, I am weak and a waste of life.

I am a waste of life.  I am sorry Mom that I couldn't be more for you, I try but I can never seem to get it right.  There is always something wrong.  And if I don't try–it doesn't remind you of what a failure I am and how I am continually missing the mark.  I am sorry for being me, I wish you birthed a daughter with life inside of her.  The only thing tethering me to it is that I love you and I want you to love me too.  I feel like if I kill myself you will hate yourself for it.  Your only daughter.  I don't even understand why you love me at all.  Do you just love the idea of me?  Of having a daughter?  It must be that. How can anybody love me?  I've been a moody nightmare most of my life.  If indifference is a mood at all.

I'm sorry I'm not happy.  It certainly sounds like a nice idea but there is so much sadness inside me, I don't know why or how but I feel it.  I don't think it will ever go away and I just don't know how much longer I can go with it, I want to get it out of me but I don't know how.  It won't leave on a boatload of tears and sobbing.  I can numb it in stuff and distractions but it only returns when the distractions are gone.  I don't have the energy for distractions anymore.  I just want to go to sleep and never wake up again.  Maybe if that's how I go it will be less sadness my mom will feel.

"Her body just stopped functioning.  No drugs or just stopped." The doctors will tell her.  She won't understand it but she'll go on telling herself that I wanted to live and I wanted to do great things.


  1. I know how you feel.. I really,honestly do.

    Stay strong.. it may not mean much,but I know you're worth staying alive.

    xoxo distortedperception.

  2. honey I am so sorry you are feeling this way...and I know the feelings are so real, and they feel like they have trapped you, but you must realize suicide is just not an option, its just not...It destroys the lives of everyone around you...I know it may sound stupid but it really is the truth...suicide is a permanent solution to what is/could be a temporary situation/feelings....I dont want to go into it on your blog, I know first hand what someone taking their own life does to their loved ones. I think its time you seek some serious treatment for this very real depression...Its a very real illness and yes it can be deserve more then this...please i beg of you, seek out some help..reach out to anyone in real time...we cant save you here. but you do need and are worth saving!

    with gentle care


  3. Oh lovely, I wish you didn't feel this way, that I could do something to take it all away for you.

    All I can do is post silent words of sympathy, and understanding. I have been there, and I too have felt like the only thing keeping me here is that little as I care for my own life I can't bring myself to destroy my Mum's. I won't belittle the way you're feeling by telling you it will all get better, or that there's so much more to look forward to in life. That journey you have to make on your own. But I will be here, reading and supporting you.

    I wish I could do more and be there with you. Not to do anything, or tell you I will fix it, but just to be a presence, for whatever comfort that would be worth.

    Thinking of you,

    Elle x

  4. i am right here with you, feeling exactly the same. you don't know what to do, you can't get rid of it. maybe professionals are good for this?
    i don't know.
    i wish i could help but all i can give is to tell you i know. i feel it. i'm sorry. hope for some good days.
    suicide's no good. there's got to be a way out. life used to be better, we should be able to find our way back eventually.
    anastasia kirstyn


(or e-mail: