Choices

Everytime I eat or don't eat I am making a choice.  Do I want to be fat or skinny?  Is what I'm doing getting me closer to my goals or putting more distance in between?

My sis took me to Olive Garden for lunch today.  I ordered the endless soup & salad and drank water (per usual).  Dressing on the side, no cheese and no noodles in my soup.

Making choices.


And then I made wrong choices. I ate two buckets of said salad, a bowl of said soup and 2 breadsticks.  Somewhere in between all that half the little thingy of salad dressing mysteriously went missing... it may or may not be found below the muffin top and somewhere in the hip and thigh region disguised as fat.

Bad decision.

Buttery breadsticks should be avoided at all costs. I know this, you know this and still they wiggled out of the white clothes, hopped out of the basket and leaped into my mouth. I know it was wrong.  You know it was wrong. But what's done is done and this mistake can be rectified.  If I had made this unfortunate decision at dinner time, the consequences would be worse.

600 jumping jacks today.  150 sit-ups.  30 push-ups.  5 sets of squats.  That is the goal today.

Skinny Varies

I was reading Harlow's blog and she mentioned that there was a comment about her weight loss and while she likes that her hard work is paying off and she is getting noticeably thinner it also stings a bit.  She said that she couldn't help but think that she was So Huge before.

I'm sure we've all been in this very situation but it didn't remind me that there are varying levels of skinny.  It's a stretch in the way of thinking for us all or nothing gals! As skinny as we get there is always skinnier, there is always another pound that could be lost, another inch to cinch. It made me think.  How skinny do I want to be? I'm 5'3".  At what point will I cross the line from adult to teen to childlike?  How far do I want to go?

Sometimes I see petite teens or "tweens" and a pang of jealous swims through me. Not "normal person" think but I think it nonetheless.  It's difficult talking about weight and bodies with people because, of course, I want to be perceived as "normal."  Sometimes the conversation goes to "too skinny" and there I sit biting my tongue and wondering what they will say when I lost 10, 15...25 pounds?

I suppose I'll cross that bridge when I get to it...


In other news, you're comments made me feel all warm and fuzzicles inside.  I was surprised to see that my absence has been noticed!! I have time between classes...like a month, I think.  I'll be a better blogger for that month at least!

XOXO




:)

Frustrated

I'm so irritated!

With myself.

Strange? Yes.  But absolutely true. I keep eating and eating (and eating and eating) and not even counting the calories. It's terrible.  When was the last time I restricted properly? When was the last time I looked at the amount of calories consumed for a day and felt a sense of pride?  When was the last time I stepped on the scale and wasn't absolutely terrified that the previous days intake would show?

Too long.


But the worst part of all of it is that I'm salivating at the thought of my mom making those cookies that are sitting on the counter.  Could I be anymore of a fat cow?  Well, yes, I suppose I could.  The one little itsy-bitsy-teeny-weeny thing that I'm kinda sorta maybe a little bit proud of is that I've been doing jumping jacks.

It's hard to be an active participant in this community being such a Fatty McBloaterbutt.  When I read blogs of people that are getting skinnier, hardly eating and exercising like a beast I feel like a failure.  I feel lately like it's hopeless.

It's not though.  I need to be strong. I need to focus and find my skinny groove.  It's bikini season and that's...scary.

Must. Get. Skinny.

Sorry my blog sucks lately! Is it better that I keep posting suckiness or not posting at all? Hmmm....

Looking Forward

After a particularly damaging fall it is time for me to pick up the pieces and get back on some sort of path to Thindom.  Initially, of course, I had this fantastically ED'd plan of starving and torturing myself for the rest of the day, the week, the summer...my life. I'm a forward thinker. Clearly.  This however alluring it may be is merely a path of destruction.  Been there, done that.

PrettyWreck snapped me out of my disordered mind and got me thinking of reality. (Funny how each of us can give amazing advice and yet...well, y'know...) A balanced diet and exercise.  This is what I need to make amends with my body and *finger crossed* get some peace of mind.  I still haven't really thought of all the details.  I like to have guidelines otherwise I get carried away one way or the other and end up bent over the toilet trying to slide my hand down my esophagus.

It's not pretty.

I want pretty, it most certainly is not here today. May not be here tomorrow but one day it will be and each day I will take one step closer to that day.

Picking up the pieces

It rained the past couple of days and I didn't want it to stop.  I thank Mother Nature for the extra chill in the air so that I can step out cozied and covered in jackets zipped up to conceal the flub that is the result of my lack of exercise and weakness for food.  Not only was the weather a chance to hide but a reflection of my mood.  Finals time is this week and my stress is paramount.  I want perfection but I cannot perform.  I devoted my entire weekend to my finals and it did no good.  I was still up early the morning before finals vigorously typing away at the computer and racking my brain; trying to dig up boxes of knowledge buried deep inside the coils of brain matter in my head. But the real obstacle was trying to combine and articulate these bits of knowledge so that they would be recognized and rewarded with the letter A.  And maybe even "Great Job!" in my teachers handwriting next to it.

I was disappointed when I didn't get all that I wanted to in order to get the best grade possible.  No "Vision Board" and no revised essay.  My grade wasn't the only thing suffering.  I burst into tears during a final.  Emotion overwhelmed me, consumed me.  I had to walk out of the classroom.  My teacher followed.  She told me how if anybody could write this essay I could.  She said I was the success story of the classroom; that my last essay was the best of the bunch. I cried in the empty bathroom down the hall, wiped my running mascara, did 10 jumping jacks (I'm fully aware that I'm weird) and headed back to the classroom to do what I could and finish my final.

Now, I have one more final.  Math.  Should be fine as long as I get off the damn computer and get to writing my study guide! 

I was studying for my Psychology final the other day and the material was on stress.  Two ways of dealing with stress was in the material.  One where you change the situation and move on and the other was you try to change the way you feel about the situation.  In another study session for a different class we discussed how Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs and the first–the basis–of those needs was physical.  My health is suffering and though I have seen doctors and am taking my anti-depressant I realize that my efforts are half assed.  That need to change.

I read PrettyWrecks post the other day of how she came clean with her therapist and it inspired me.  Okay, I'm not about to go screaming about how I have eating disorder but I did tell my doctor about not having my period (which I'm pretty sure has something to do with depression and lupus, not ED) and now... more doctors and more of me acting like a pin cushion. And also, taking anti-depressants is not enough if I my environment is staying the same.  I'm lazy to change my environment but I am going to start going to counseling (my school offers it free).  The relationship with my mom is good but it could be better and I think a better relationship with her would help with my overall sadness and self-loathing.  During a particularly emotion (yet ground breaking) night she suggested that we go to counseling but as far as I know she hasn't taken any action towards making this happen.  I am going to ask her about it again.

It's time to make a change.

"By believing passionately in something that still does not exist, we create it. The non-existent is whatever we have not sufficiently desired."

I desire to be healthy.  I desire to be thin.  I desire to be beautiful inside and out.  I desire to have great and lasting relationships with friends, family and even *gulp* romantic ones.  I desire to accept and love myself.  I desire to be successful in life by doing things that I love.  

I desire to make stress my bitch and not the other way around! ;-)

Luv you ladies & thank you for your support and for reading.  Feel free to e-mail me or instant message me anytime!

XO

Flushed

Procrastinate Now! Don't put it off.

Essays are the work of the devil.  I'm [procrasting on] working on a compare and contrast essay right now.

I hate writing!
Essays.

(I like blogging.  I don't get graded for it!)

I'm pretty sure grades are also devils speak. I have a dream that one day I will get A's effortlessly.  School will be a tool and not work.

I also have a dream that one day I will be super duper skinny and beautiful and intelligent and funny and have a sparkling personality–a person who loves and is loved by all!! YES!

But I'm awake right now so I'm just stressin' essays and trying to keep my ass in this chair and not doing the Kitchen Dance.  Don't be deceived y'all I know you read dance and think. Burn calories! Flushed, you crazy foo! You crazy! Burning calories will get you closer to your goal of Super Duper Skinnydom!! BUT, oh contrare mon frare (just go with it) no good can come of anything involving The [dreaded] Kitchen because this Kitchen Dance only leads to empty cupboards, bloated belly and a miserable me.  Oh the irony in this thing Rain has dubbed the Kitchen Dance.

So I told you lovely ladies about Magenta being on a diet and me being able to contribute my dieting expertise.  Well, she is on this protein diet thing and I had read about this French Dukan Diet thing that I wanted to try because it's French so it must be good and glamorous, right?

Well.  So I tried it.  The Dukan Diet is a protein diet and I'm a vegetarian. (I see you. Stop shaking your head!)  That's right folks, it's been nothing but eggwhites, protein shakes, fat-free cottage cheese concoctions, greek yogurt concoctions, fat-free cheese (Trader Joe's has a fat-free feta cheese-WOOP! WOOP! Big Ups to TR!) ...and any other nearly fat-free dairy I could get my hungry little hands on!

Having Magenta around reeeeeally helped me stick with it! We didn't eat the same things but there was comfort and support.  And also, it stopped me from any out of control bingetastrophies or purgesodes.  (bee tee dubs, 5 weeks and a day since my last puke. toot-toot!) I could sort of see progress at first (keep in mind I'm hefferER than normal) but after a week of this I can see the diff in my body though I haven't set foot on the scale.  I'm terrified that I'm still above 120 (which in all honesty is probs the case *sad face*) but my jeans are fitting pretty comfortably...

But all in all this is way too expensive and oh my how I am completely full of shit. Constipation hurts.  And I miss my veggies and fruit and oatmeal... and saltines and rice cakes... le sigh, it will still be a bit before I incorporate those into me.  Today I had a lot of protein and had some vegetables for the first time in like 10 days! Tomorrow: more veggies! (I'm salivating at the thought.)

I'm hankering for something crunchy! Saltines and rice cakes are calling to me... the pears are screaming. I'm telling you the kitchen is dangerous ground!  But I'm staying in control! I'm so tired of being all Fatty Cakes.  The bikini's are coming! The bikini's are coming!! Aaaaaaaaahhhhhh!!!

Oh yeah. I have to write an essay now.  Shoot. Me.
(Oh how I would love to procrastinate some more!)

...


...aaaaany minute now....

...yup....

...le sigh.

Not Skipping a Beat (but still moving forward)

I used to be very close with my cousin (let's just call her Magenta), we weren't just close but the best of friends.  An entire conversation could pass between us without a word spoken but then boyfriends happened and we lost ourselves in our relationships.  For about 3 years we were relatives.


Magenta recently broke up with her boyfriend and is back to square one in her life, much like me.  Last week we hung out and almost everyday since (in fact, she's over right now).  We are completely opposite, so much so that we are the same.  Like yin and yang, we balance each other out.  It's like we have never skipped a beat.  She knows almost everything about me.

Almost.

I think she realizes this.  The other day she made a comment of how she can't always quite figure me out.  This from a girl who prides herself on just that, we've grown up together, I think it bothers her that there is that little bit of mystery about me that she doesn't understand.  She realizes a big part of that is my lack of self-esteem and my "inability to see myself" but she knows nothing of my eating disorder.

Magenta is a big girl, she has always been the type of person who is proud of being "big and beautiful" or "chunky but funky" as she calls it now.  At one point she worried about me developing an eating disorder, she was the first but at the time I was far from it; just a big girl trying to lose weight.  Now the it's her trying to lose weight and diet, she has no desire to be skin and bones (like I do!) but she's got a ways to go to be in the overweight category and much to learn about nutrition.

I've been enjoying our time together, we talk, we laugh (a lot! she thinks I'm hilarious, which I love!) and we've been dieting together!  I can totally be myself around her.  I'm really just a compulsive dieter these days and perhaps even a *gulp* recovering bulimic?  It's been 5 weeks since I last purged, I just don't want to do it anymore, I'm starting to see just how much it is not worth it.  I'm fighting for my control back.  Not that I don't consider it sometimes, this is where my compulsive thinking might work out for the better because I weigh out the pros and cons before I step too far into that notorious binge fog.

I still need to remind myself not lose my independence, I have a tendency to get lost in other peoples worlds and hanging out with their friends and putting my own life on the back-burner.  Magenta is a helper and she wants to save everyone (and, of course, me!) but she doesn't realize that guidance and support is what I need.

We started blogs! Haha-crazy right?  I'm really nervous about it because this other blog has the potential to actually be something that my real life friends will know about and possibly read.  My friends always tell me I should start one and now that I started one with Magenta, it's kind of easier that way.  I'm hoping this will be for the better...

What am I saying!? Of course it WILL BE BETTER!! Life is what I MAKE IT!! It WILL BE WONDERFUL!!!

P.S. Thank you all for your sweet, sweet comments!