Saturday, May 1, 2010

Not Skipping a Beat (but still moving forward)

I used to be very close with my cousin (let's just call her Magenta), we weren't just close but the best of friends.  An entire conversation could pass between us without a word spoken but then boyfriends happened and we lost ourselves in our relationships.  For about 3 years we were relatives.


Magenta recently broke up with her boyfriend and is back to square one in her life, much like me.  Last week we hung out and almost everyday since (in fact, she's over right now).  We are completely opposite, so much so that we are the same.  Like yin and yang, we balance each other out.  It's like we have never skipped a beat.  She knows almost everything about me.

Almost.

I think she realizes this.  The other day she made a comment of how she can't always quite figure me out.  This from a girl who prides herself on just that, we've grown up together, I think it bothers her that there is that little bit of mystery about me that she doesn't understand.  She realizes a big part of that is my lack of self-esteem and my "inability to see myself" but she knows nothing of my eating disorder.

Magenta is a big girl, she has always been the type of person who is proud of being "big and beautiful" or "chunky but funky" as she calls it now.  At one point she worried about me developing an eating disorder, she was the first but at the time I was far from it; just a big girl trying to lose weight.  Now the it's her trying to lose weight and diet, she has no desire to be skin and bones (like I do!) but she's got a ways to go to be in the overweight category and much to learn about nutrition.

I've been enjoying our time together, we talk, we laugh (a lot! she thinks I'm hilarious, which I love!) and we've been dieting together!  I can totally be myself around her.  I'm really just a compulsive dieter these days and perhaps even a *gulp* recovering bulimic?  It's been 5 weeks since I last purged, I just don't want to do it anymore, I'm starting to see just how much it is not worth it.  I'm fighting for my control back.  Not that I don't consider it sometimes, this is where my compulsive thinking might work out for the better because I weigh out the pros and cons before I step too far into that notorious binge fog.

I still need to remind myself not lose my independence, I have a tendency to get lost in other peoples worlds and hanging out with their friends and putting my own life on the back-burner.  Magenta is a helper and she wants to save everyone (and, of course, me!) but she doesn't realize that guidance and support is what I need.

We started blogs! Haha-crazy right?  I'm really nervous about it because this other blog has the potential to actually be something that my real life friends will know about and possibly read.  My friends always tell me I should start one and now that I started one with Magenta, it's kind of easier that way.  I'm hoping this will be for the better...

What am I saying!? Of course it WILL BE BETTER!! Life is what I MAKE IT!! It WILL BE WONDERFUL!!!

P.S. Thank you all for your sweet, sweet comments!

2 comments:

  1. You sound so happy and upbeat. Its great to hear the positive tone. You know I went out to buy Slimquick cause I was influenced by you. I'm such a sheep. Baa. But they work. I think.

    PS - I like your cousin's name. I'd like to be named after a color instead of a hunk unpolished rock.

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  2. I'm so happy you're back! I missed your writing so much while you were away...not that you would know it, because I've never commented before - I just started my own blog today, but I've been reading for a while, and you're one of my favorite bloggers to read. I love your style and your honesty.

    If you ever get a chance to read my blog, it would be much appreciated.

    ~ Paix

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