Thursday, May 20, 2010
Picking up the pieces
It rained the past couple of days and I didn't want it to stop. I thank Mother Nature for the extra chill in the air so that I can step out cozied and covered in jackets zipped up to conceal the flub that is the result of my lack of exercise and weakness for food. Not only was the weather a chance to hide but a reflection of my mood. Finals time is this week and my stress is paramount. I want perfection but I cannot perform. I devoted my entire weekend to my finals and it did no good. I was still up early the morning before finals vigorously typing away at the computer and racking my brain; trying to dig up boxes of knowledge buried deep inside the coils of brain matter in my head. But the real obstacle was trying to combine and articulate these bits of knowledge so that they would be recognized and rewarded with the letter A. And maybe even "Great Job!" in my teachers handwriting next to it.
I was disappointed when I didn't get all that I wanted to in order to get the best grade possible. No "Vision Board" and no revised essay. My grade wasn't the only thing suffering. I burst into tears during a final. Emotion overwhelmed me, consumed me. I had to walk out of the classroom. My teacher followed. She told me how if anybody could write this essay I could. She said I was the success story of the classroom; that my last essay was the best of the bunch. I cried in the empty bathroom down the hall, wiped my running mascara, did 10 jumping jacks (I'm fully aware that I'm weird) and headed back to the classroom to do what I could and finish my final.
Now, I have one more final. Math. Should be fine as long as I get off the damn computer and get to writing my study guide!
I was studying for my Psychology final the other day and the material was on stress. Two ways of dealing with stress was in the material. One where you change the situation and move on and the other was you try to change the way you feel about the situation. In another study session for a different class we discussed how Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs and the first–the basis–of those needs was physical. My health is suffering and though I have seen doctors and am taking my anti-depressant I realize that my efforts are half assed. That need to change.
I read PrettyWrecks post the other day of how she came clean with her therapist and it inspired me. Okay, I'm not about to go screaming about how I have eating disorder but I did tell my doctor about not having my period (which I'm pretty sure has something to do with depression and lupus, not ED) and now... more doctors and more of me acting like a pin cushion. And also, taking anti-depressants is not enough if I my environment is staying the same. I'm lazy to change my environment but I am going to start going to counseling (my school offers it free). The relationship with my mom is good but it could be better and I think a better relationship with her would help with my overall sadness and self-loathing. During a particularly emotion (yet ground breaking) night she suggested that we go to counseling but as far as I know she hasn't taken any action towards making this happen. I am going to ask her about it again.
It's time to make a change.
"By believing passionately in something that still does not exist, we create it. The non-existent is whatever we have not sufficiently desired."
I desire to be healthy. I desire to be thin. I desire to be beautiful inside and out. I desire to have great and lasting relationships with friends, family and even *gulp* romantic ones. I desire to accept and love myself. I desire to be successful in life by doing things that I love.
I desire to make stress my bitch and not the other way around! ;-)
Luv you ladies & thank you for your support and for reading. Feel free to e-mail me or instant message me anytime!