Still Funky

Whenever I start to get really stressed out I feel pain in my body.  At Stage 2, it becomes painfully evident on my face.  Mountainous pimples with deep roots (sleeping volcanos, if you will)? check.  Rosacea redness? Check.  Fever blisters? Check.  Weight gain? Double check.  Frown and overall Depressed look on my face which accurately reflects my feelings? Check and checkmate.

I skipped my classes today and did... nothing unless hating yourself as something.  I lucked that we were given until Wednesday to turn in our outlines (I e-mailed my teacher).  I also started (yes started) working on the design for the wedding invitations for my aunts friend and told her I would charge her $40 flat for my time plus whatever the invitations cost.  I feel guilty, like it's way too much.  I made sure that I put she could use the logo for other things too (stationary, coffee mugs, mousepads... whatever).  It was a price that my mom suggested a when we talked about it a while back, she actually thinks that's low.  I see her point, really, when I think of all the time I put into it, I'm paying myself China's minimum wage, but I'm amateur so maybe one day I'll step up to California minimum wage.  I figure the $40 will get me a couple of car washes.

I'm not even happy with the design yet, it's still a work in progress.  I can't figure out if I'm having a harder time with it because I've never met the couple or because I'm just in a creative slump.  Or I'm just depressed.  My Save the Date for my little niece's birthday party was a big fail too.

I'm just sad.  Everytime I try and think of why but it seems like everything I think of just makes me sad.  I keep thinking of myself and society.  I don't fit in anywhere.  Society is fucked anyway, I hate myself and I hate the world around me but am powerless to do anything about it.  I don't want to play Life anymore.  I'm not suicidal but if death were to present itself to me, I'm not so sure I would deny it.

I wonder, if I have gotten to the point of not caring and not wanting to play then why do I want, so bad, to be thin and beautiful and loved?  I don't want it bad enough to actively seek it but I lust for it.  I guess if just makes me a soar loser?

Whenever I think about killing myself and then I think well then what would I do before I off myself?  Of course, I would binge.  And then I think screw that!  If I'm gonna die why not just drive my life into shit and do whatever I want, spend, travel, be however I want to be and just not care!  And then I think I totally should do that!  But I need to get thin and beautiful first so that it's a better experience.  People are nicer to pretty and thin people.  And what if I am traveling and meet some sexy foreigner?  I can't be all fat and yucky!  He might be my happily ever after and I mucked it up with Doritos, Cheez-its, Gardetto's and cheezy, buttery, crispy on the outside, soft on the inside bread.

Dr. Roizen has a little theory on foods your crave and mood, apparently I'm angry, stressed, lonely and sexually frustrated right now.

And that's why I'm still alive.  Because I just think too dilly dang much and don't do ish.

(Dilly dang? ... I'm speechless.)


So I'm just sad about everything and am experiencing some leakage of the eyeballs, sometimes it's allergies but sometimes it's not.  Tomorrow I have to be up and out of the house at the crack of dawn because the cleaning ladies are coming.  I have dishes to wash. Ugh.  I'm still debating whether I should pick up my room or just leave a note on the door to not clean. (You probably already know the verdict.)

I have a kink in my neck.


I did bad eating today. (Again. Not surprising.) but I didn't get all crazy-like, rummaging through the cupboards and mindlessly shoving food in my mouth.  And I didn't puke either.  I can attribute both those small victories to all the tiny little blisters camping out on the outskirts of my lips.  Thanks assholes.

I read some of Wasted last night and when I was reading about her childhood I started remembering a lot of my own childhood.  Some memories were similar to what she was saying, I was also an only child with a mother who was constantly dieting.  As far back as I can remember I've scrutinized my body in mirrors, sucking in and pinching.  I was never strong like her though, I always caved and ate, I knew what anorexia was and I always wished I could resist temptations.

In Psychology we learned that scientists theorize that all of our memories are stored in our brains we just don't know how to get to most of them.  So while I was reading and memories were coming back to me, I indulged and tried to push the envelope.  I always wanted to write everything that I could, every thought, every experience but every time I've tried I fail.  My mind is so vivid there is just too much, I try to pick a point and start describing it and pretty soon I'm trying to add backstory and extra thoughts and then I realize I took a left when I should have taken a right and turned 10 more times because I got distracted by something shiny and now I'm in BFE, I'm out of gas and I don't even want to go where I was going before because it's too late and I just don't care anymore.

Case in point.

BUT SOMEDAY! Someday I will write a book and it will be good.  I'll actually make sense and use complete thoughts.   I have no idea what I could ever write about but whatevs.


It could happen. 

(Best slogan. EVER.)

Great.  Now I have a kink in my neck AND a headache.

Good grief.

The Lightbulb is Lit

I do well and lose weight and then I get to a point where I don't hate what I see in the mirror completely and stop the little exercises and eat more.  It's like I'm not use to not being absolutely disgusted with my reflection and resort back the nasty habits that made hating myself easier.

It's ridiculous.

Now I'm back to hating myself.  I lifted my dress to check myself out in a mirror that wasn't at home and I was disgusted.  I am grotesque.  I realized in that moment how flattering the lighting in my own home really is and I look disgusting in those too.

I gain and gain, another day then another day and all of a sudden one day I've really gained.  It's like one day my body is finally like, okay, you want to be fat, I get it and then I blow the fuck up.

Today was that day.

I'm so disgusted with myself, I want to cry.  I don't want to eat anything but my body is use to it.  I feel huge.  Enormous.  Bloated.  Blob-like.

I feel numb because when I check into life, I realize what I've been neglecting and it intimidates me.  Too much homework/laundry/mess/fat.  I feel like a failure so I escape inside my mind and lose myself to distractions.

FUCK I'M FAILING. DO SOMETHING FLUSHED! DO SOMETHING NOW! PICK UP THE PIECES AND MAKE SOMETHING HAPPEN. ANYTHING.  THERE IS STILL HOPE.  ALL YOU NEED IS A LITTLE. 

TAKE A STEP.

JUST ONE.

NOW.

Long & Rambly and Heavy on my Mind

A tax on tanning.

Buy 2 seat on an airplane if you are too heavy.

Cigarrette tax.

What next?  The government has to threaten us with money to get us to NOT do and/or consume things that will kill us.  Who says greed, gluttony, sloth, lust, envy, wrath and pride are not deadly sins?  We are experiencing them in a roundabout way in our society.  In fact, our "success" as a society is built on them.

Pride is excessive belief in one's own abilities, that interferes with the individual's recognition of the grace of God. It has been called the sin from which all others arise. Pride is also known as Vanity.

Envy is the desire for others' traits, status, abilities, or situation.

Gluttony is an inordinate desire to consume more than that which one requires.

Lust is an inordinate craving for the pleasures of the body.

Anger is manifested in the individual who spurns love and opts instead for fury. It is also known as Wrath.

Greed is the desire for material wealth or gain, ignoring the realm of the spiritual. It is also called Avarice or Covetousness.

Sloth is the avoidance of physical or spiritual work.

God is used in this copied and pasted definition here but replace God with Life because that is what I am talking about here.  Religion or beliefs have nothing to do with it. 

Pride.

What is science?

We have labs all over the place trying figure out how to reverse or stop the aging process and wrinkles and beat cancer.  Is this not an excessive belief in our abilities to defy nature?  There would be no sense in trying if we didn't have an inkling of belief that we could achieve what we set out to do.

(I'm still hoping they succeed in making a pill that will take away wrinkle and get me skinny.)

(and take away periods.) (I can't take birth control because of Lupus.)

Envy.

What is importing?

We go to another country and wish we had that here in America and then we do. I can go to the grocery store anytime in the year and get food that isn't in season here but tis the season on the other side of the globe!

Gluttony & Lust & Greed.  (these are all in the same category to me but each word has a different connotation: Food, Sex, Money.  And each is executed in a different manner and hurts in a different way.)

What is a "binge"?

How many times have you heard "in moderation" this year?  We are such an all or nothing society that "in moderation" needs to be stressed to us.  We hear something is good (whether it be good for us or just good) we can't seem to get enough of it!  It's food, yes but we are addicted to shopping, sex, money, twitter or ....well, a person can find addiction in just about anything.  Be greedy for it.  Lust after it. Gluttonous in enjoying it.

(Apples and fruit medleys year round.  I'm not complaining.)

(I'm hoping one day I'll be addicted to life and yoga.) (And homework.)

(Maybe they'll develop a pill for that...)

Sloth.

What is the purpose of technology?

Technology is finding an easier way of doing things.  Are things too easy now? (I'm thinking no, my growing ass is screaming yes.)

Anger.

What is war?

I, like most people, ponder what the meaning of life is, why I'm here and what my purpose is.  I do believe that earth and life is a kind of puzzle, where all the pieces fit together in the circle of life but we human beings are making it into this wild game of Jenga.  If we don't change our ways and fix what we've done then it's all gonna come toppling down, society is on shakey ground, as human beings we are our own worst enemy & it's scary to think that we, who are in conflict with ourselves and each other, have the power to obliterate the planet (what is the atom bomb).  I watched a show on Discovery Something and it was about what would happen to the planet if humans were no longer on it and, in theory, the planet would bounce back and be better (after a brief period of imbalance).

I feel like we are getting so caught up in our technology and material that we are losing at life.  The essence of it; the feelings, emotions and the moments.  Do we even know what happiness or pleasure is? We seemed to always be out looking for more.  Bigger.  Better.  Every movie is the best movie of the year, sadder, gorrier, funnier.  The media makes us feel like if it's not more it's boring. Why does it have to be the best?  Why can't it just be funny and enjoyable?  It seems like if it's not the best, it ain't shit.

It seems like we struggle to even know what feelings are.  Do we even know what it is to love, to express love?  Or are we just mimicking what we hear about or see in the movies and do those things that the people who were in love did.  It's not the act that is love, it is the emotion that drove us to the act that is what is meaningful.  Once upon a super long time ago there was a man in love who gave the woman he loved a flower because it was so perfect and naturally beautiful but, in his eyes, it paled in comparison to the beauty of the woman he loved. (Or something poetic.) And now, a guy buys flowers because that's what women want. No, dumbasses, girlfriend wants love (and/or be the apple of his eye) and boyfriend wants to get laid (and/or not get bitched at).  I'm not saying it's not sweet and express love but more times than not they are contrived because they feel like that's what you are supposed to do but lack either the emotions or the ability to express their emotion.

I know people who have gotten married because they saw the ring.  I know people who have gotten married because they've been together for so long.  I know people who have gotten married because they don't want to be single.  I know people who have gotten married because time is ticking and they want to have babies already.  I know people who are still in relationships because there is nothing wrong even though there is nothing really right about their relationship either.  If you are in love you should be happy, not indifferent.

My mom and her boyfriend have been together for 15 years, she wants to get married because she "doesn't want to be alone" for the rest of her life.  Marriage is ensurance that he will not leave her tomorrow.  What I love about their relationship is that they have nothing keeping them together except love.  They are both financially independent, have their own lives and they are both attractive and have other offers (seriously, my mom gets hit on a lot.  What a disappointment when they see her daughter looks nothing like her.  Sorry fellas don't judge a daughter by her mama).  They are both easy going and affectionate.  Right now they are spending 2 weeks in Florida going fishing or whatever at his house out there.  I don't want marriage or a relationship, I want love. The rest follows.

Digress-aholicism.  Guilty.

Why do we continually seek more and better?  Why do we develop addictions?  Are addiction derived from unhappiness?  Doing something once or every now and again is fine but when it gets to the point where we do this something and return to our regular programing and all you are doing is looking for a distraction from your regular programmed schedule Houston, that's a problem.

I think we are taught, as a society to numb our emotions and fake feelings with how we think we should feel instead of feeling.  A lot of people will say that they are happy as an automatic response because in our black and white society you are either a happy person or a depressed person.  And if you are a depressed person you have failed somehow.

I feel like all around me are people living in worlds of denial.  They are so far disillusioned that they don't even know it because at this far into the game of life they don't want to know it.  It's just easier to keep playing because it's normal.

We are hurting our planet and ourselves with our sins of society.  It makes me sad that there is so much wrong with our society and it effects people on every level.  The government fucks us and we let them through our inaction.  There are power in numbers but our numbers seem to be preoccupied with Doritos and Tabloid Magazines, in other words, slowly killing themselves with delicious and inexpensive poisons and polluting their minds with frivolous distractions instead of the real issues.

I am powerless and sad.  I am guilty of indulging in distractions among other things because it's easier not to.  I don't even know anybody who knows much of anything about politics, I would have to learn and teach myself.  And I swear the government doesn't want us to know about it either, so they make it all super boring and use big words that most people don't know.  And then they keep things from us... ugh.

This has been bothering me for a long time; again, there is so much more going on in my mind on this subject that I can't pin down or articulate correctly and/or fully.  My mind is very web-like and it all connects... I just wish I were articulate enough to give a clear picture.

I applaud you and want to hug you if you actually read all of this, I'm quite the rambler.  And if you have any thoughts I would love to hear them even if you are criticizing me, that's fine too. 

We are in need of a Food Revolution

Watching Jamie Ollivers Food Revolution tonight has my mind reeling.  With all these thoughts flying around my mind it's hard to pluck out even one to articulate how this show has activated my mind.

But I will try.  "Practice makes perfect!" They say.

(whoever they are...)

I knew nothing of food or nutrition growing up.  I wouldn't touch vegetables (my cousins still laugh at me because I refused to eat anything green as a child) because I didn't have to at home.  My mom made me carby/fatty and easy food like Hamburger Helper and I lived off Top Raman (my meals still revolve around the microwave, actually).  If our fridge was fully stocked with fruits and vegetables and void of Top Raman, chips or bread I would call my mom (she was ALWAYS at work) whining and complaining that I was hungry and there was no food in the house.

Needless to say, I was a heftier heifer than I am now.

I had to find the motivation in myself to want to change and in that the will to learn by finding information and teaching myself about nutrition and my body.  I'm still learning and trying to unbrainwash myself.  Who would have thought that I, of all in my family, would be a vegetarian?!  Pass the greens bitchez!

I've come a long way.

(btw, Unbrainwash is a word in my dictionary Mr. Spellcheck!  You don't know anything!  OFF WITH YOUR HEAD!!)

It makes me sad to see these kids of the show not know what a damn tomato looks like and still want to eat a chicken nugget knowing what it's made from, because I was that kid.  Actually, I probably would have said, Eeewwww, I'm not eating that. LOOK! BEHIND YOU! IT'S A FLYING PORCUPINE! and eaten the chicken nugget when their backs were turned.  Point being, if it tasted good, I'd eat it.  And I didn't even have to be hungry.  Even now, I notice my family is constantly eating just because it's there.

And I'm still making faces at chips and then gobbling the whole bag when they leave the room.

(and then puking it back up.)

And they do it because that's how they were raised, so they think it's okay and it's normal.  Just like they think that being overweight is okay and normal because they are older.  They just make sure they don't get to the obese point and they'll be fine.  Now we have kids around and this is what they are seeing, only it's worse now because there is so much more processed fattness available to us and they are kids they'll run it off.  Yes, they will work it off now but you are still depriving them of nutrients.  Nutrients and vitamins that help the body and brain develop and grow properly.  It's easy, cheap and the kids love it but there is so much more going on in their little bodies and minds that is being affected.  Habits they are seeing and getting into that are unhealthy and just might lead to an unhealthy weight, diabetes or cancer.

Of course they like the sugary processed food!  We do too, sugar is like a drug, it's addicting!  Instead of giving into this retrain yourself and the kids.  I saw a picture the other day of a baby shoving a chocolate bar into his mouth.  He was all covered in chocolate and it was cute but all I could think of was how it was a damn shame that his little taste buds are being jacked with so early.

...ummmm... I ran out of steam and lost myself on a tangent... so, yeah.  Jamie Olliver Food Revolution. Watch it. It's good.  Sorry I don't make sense, I'm tired now.

My Body Hates Me, Let Me Count the Ways

I QUIT!!

I quit counting calories and I quit weighing myself!

This week.  

I start back on Monday.  I've been on my period this week and I'm totally over it.   As in, I don't want this shit!  Double you tee eff Mother Nature, flowers are pretty and stuff but this whole bleeding from the vagina for a week...  Splain. Cuz it's just not right.

And you are called Mother Nature? Mothers are women!  I am thoroughly convinced that you are no such thing.  How are you gonna make us all suffer like this?  I'm convinced that you Mother Nature (if that's your real name!) are a dude!  A mean dude.  With a vendetta.

A week of blood, bloat & bitchiness, a little of excessive, no?  Is this payback for effing up your planet?  Because if that's the case, I think the men do the majority of that... just sayin.

(And don't even get me started of child birth!) 

This week is sort of my jump off, I think.  I've been eating what is normal for me, meaning I'm not happy about it but I'm not freaking out either, and now the smooches my thighs have been exchanging are more like butterfly kisses. (figuratively, of course, I'm not Scottish.)

(or whatever that hairy nationality is.)

I would think my body would be grateful for my efforts. 

I would think.

(I didn't even purge all week!)

Of course, my body, being the ungrateful jerk that it is, hates me.  I've been getting random pains like crazy!  It's so frustrating, it's basically the same pain that's not unlike a vagabond, it moves or spreads itself to different places and doesn't ever seem to stay long enough to be tracked down.  I have yet to find the words to describe what it feels like (other than painful or bothersome).  I can't exactly go to the doctors when it's all sporadical and I can't describe this phantom pain.  They have no way of measuring it (apparently this means that it does not exist), they'll likely send me back home and tell me to pop some Motrin and walk it off.  I wouldn't be surprised if my medical records have notes on them that say "hypochondriac" or "wimp." Doctors are a waste of time and co-pay, if you ask me. (Because they can't fix my problems.  If I had broken bone or something then maybe I'll change my mind.)

(Until then, THEY'RE USELESS!! OFF WITH THEIR HEADS!!)

(I'd make a great Queen of Hearts.)

(Or Donald Trump, I use the phrase, "You're fired!" daily.)

(Maybe even hourly.)

(It's a gift.)

I want to do lunges but my left heel, my right pinky toe and my left knee hurt.  It hurts when I'm just sitting and doing nothing.  I popped some Ibuprofen (800mg) and I'm still waiting for it to kick in... I probably feel the drowsiness before any pain relief but, on the bright side, at least I'll get to sleep sooner!

AND, I keep getting fever blisters and cold sores.

AND my allergies are kicking in.

AND I'm breaking out.

AND I'm ugly.

AND I'm fat.

AND that's just my body...

Hobbytime

My mom is outtie 5 thousand yo.  She is flying on a jet plane to other side of the continent tonight where, for 10 days, she will be fishing, drinking and whatever else you do in Florida when you are on vacation and your older.  I'm flying solo in the household until the Monday following Easter.

And I'll be here, doing the kitchen dance and counting calories and whatnot.

I'm exciting.

In this post,  GTMS-Becca & embre suggested that I get a hobby (which I'm still brainstorming about... I'm broke and hobbies tend to be on the pricey side) but I do have a couple hobbies, one is this (yes, I consider blogging a hobby because I do love to write) and another is designing, graphic design to be a little more specific.  I do invitations and things for my family (and family friends) and I'm working on a WEDDING invitation that I'm actually going to get PAID for!

Somebody is trusting me to design for one of the most important days of their life.

No pressure.

Did I mention I'm an amateur?

I have to admit it is very flattering!  I really do love it when people say they like my designs!  But at the same time I get nervous for people to see them, I get worried that it isn't so impressive.  An artist is only as good as their last piece of work and, of course, I want each one to be better than the last.  (OMG, did I just call myself an artist?  For lack of a better word, we'll just go with that but for the record: I am no artist.)  I wonder if they think it's good for an amateur, because they know me and are surprised the work came from me or if they really do think that it's good.

I suppose it doesn't matter.  Why does it matter to me?  Why can't I just be good for me?  Why do I crave those outside compliments?  I am not an artist.  I am an amateur.  And yet I want to be compared with the true artists?  With the professionals?  Talk about unrealistic expectations!!

Stop being a perfectionist Flushed!

I do dream that one day I will be able to make a nice little side income of designing.

But that's just a dream.  I lack the talent and consistency.  Anything that is awesome that comes from my hobby always seems like a fluke to me.  I never intend for a design to the way that it turns out, it just makes itself.  Maybe the design gods are helping me out, out of pity.

The weekend will be no different than usual since my mom is usually gone, Saturday night I'll go hang out with my friend who I've been neglecting and Sunday I have a baby shower to go to.  In my down time I will work on this wedding invitation and hopefully (finger crossed) create something FIERCE that the soon-to-be wedded couple will love! (Pray for me! Send me creative vibes!)

The week without my mom is something different though.  We chat, she invites my Sis and her baby over... there's life.  Without her, there is no life and I'm not strong enough to reach out.  Solitude is my comfort zone.  I use the excuse that I have so much to do at home, and I do but I don't use my time at home to do it.  I have piles of laundry, a filthy car and tons upon tons of homework to catch up on.

I'll make an effort to step outside my safety zone.

Have I told you lately

that I'm fat?

I am.

I'm thoroughly frustrated with myself and this excess weight.  Last night I went through my Lose It app to when I was at a steady 117-119 pounds.  My diet basically consisted of:

Apples
Pears
Almonds
Pistachios
Canned Pumpkin
Eggwhites
Edamame
Frozen Vegetables (frozen, usually Normandy cuz it's at costco)
Fresh Vegetables (Spinach, lettuce, squash...salad stuff)
Old Fashioned Oats
Pure Protein (powder/bars/shakes)
And coffee, splenda, spray butter, hot sauce... y'know.

I think I need to get back to this.  I've been eating a substantial amount (with the excuse of my period) (or whatever other lame excuse I can think of) so I don't think I'll really have to worry about my weight climbing before it goes down (probably because it's already so damn high).

From what I can remember of this month when I maintained a somewhat comfortable weight, it was pretty easy.  I believe the problem for a bit was my hair falling out but I think I fixed that problemo with an increasing my protein intake.

So I guess.... I guess I'm gonna try this out and see how it goes.  Bingeing can only happen with vegetables.  That's the rule.

Odd Girl Out

I went to a family party last night.  I felt like a goddamn whale but then, when don't I feel like a goddamn whale? (The answer is never.)  For a fleeting moment I wanted to lie and plead explosive diarrhea with bloody cramps but, I'm afraid my family would have duct taped my cheeks together, slapped on a diaper and threw me in the car anyway; so I decided to show up with some dignity.

I smiled the night away, cringing on the inside when my Laguna Hills cousins would tell me how pretty or cute I was.  My cousin (who is in his 40's) (he's crazy, you should see him on the dancefloor-his moves can old be described as a force) asked me if I was dating anybody.  I said that I wasn't dating anybody at the moment, which is true but adding the phrase "at the moment" was a bit of a stretch of the truth.  (Mo-ment, Mo-nths, they're kind of similiar right?) It's not like I'm even turning down dates or passes at me (okay 1 but in months that's not exactly beating them off with a stick) (or a twig, at that).  He said he was shocked because I was so pretty that there would be no reason why a guy wouldn't want to date me.

He went on to tell me a story of this girl that was beautiful, a former beauty queen (of Alaska, which is barely a state if you ask me but whatever) and he was a young man just graduated from college with a rosy colored outlook at the world which granted him the confidence to ask out Beauty for a date.  She said yes!  And he was stoked but also surprised to learned that she rarely got asked out besides the occasional type-A personality because most guys were intimidated by her beauty.  He ended up dated the Beauty for a few months until one day he comes home to his apartment and she rearranged all the contents of the kitchen cupboards.  Apparently, the girl was nuts.

Thanks cousin, no really, I feel just wonderful about myself now.  Of course, the story was more for entertainment sake and not really calling me crazy or beautiful (he's just a little kookie like that-his stories usually have some crazy ingredient) but then there's that thought of ohmygawd, I exude nuttiness! What if I really am crazy! But I'm not that brand of insane, I was more of a detached girlfriend who cared too little about the relationship.  (Because I was too busy counting calories, assessing how my jeans were fitting and wondering what would be the most flattering angle when it was SexyTime.)

The boyfriend thing kind of stuck with me though.  I feel like I need to get one before everybody starts thinking I'm a lesbian.  (A little SexyTime would be nice too.) (For calorie burning purposes obviously...)  Mainly, I'm tired of being the odd girl out, everybody around me has boyfriends, all my family members and all of my friends... social gatherings are... lonely.

Why hello there Aunt Flo, It's been awhile...

I started my period just now.  I haven't had it since maybe June or July?  I don't know how to feel about this.  There is the obvious reasons why not having it is cool (seriously, Mother Nature, what the hell where you thinking?) but also a sense of ED pride.  It's twisted but for some reason I liked that it wasn't there because it meant I was doing something right about living so wrong. 

(I'm not even gonna pretend that is supposed to make sense, it's just true feelings.  True feelings rarely make any sense.) 

(Or I'm just not articulate.) 

(Probably the latter.)

Another thought crossed my mind though.  Perhaps this shows a sign of my body being somewhat stable and kinda-sorta-in-a-way healthy then maybe, just MAYBE my body and metabolism isn't so far shot to shit and I could lose weight more easily.

Odd how only yesterday I was watching the Tyra Show about period, then there were some articles on it that I read yesterday and today then low and behold.  Red toilet paper.  How can you not believe in the Law of Attraction?  Things weasel their way into your mind/thoughts and POOF, suddenly they're reality.

Now, if I could only get myself to start think as a stick of a girl instead of a girl struggling to lose weight.    

Easier said than done.

In other news, I'm continually reading about diets (I'm so original, not ED-like at all...) and I watched Celebrity Fit Club for the first time today mainly because the Baywatch girl is 5'3" like I am so I was curious to see her physique and weightloss journey.  She's not doing so great with the weightloss but a thought crossed my mind as I was watching the show that I wanted to share.  She's shorter than the others and less overweight, in fact, at 130 lbs her BMI would be 23, which is in the normal range, unlike many of her costars that are clearly overweight.  It's easier to lose 4 pounds in a week when you are 40 pounds overweight! And taller!  I'm not saying it's easy for anybody to lose weight but there is a reason those last 5 to 10 pounds are harder to shed, it's because now you've cut out all the frivolous tendencies that you have, now it's time to really cut to the bare bones.

If you were to compare dieting to budgeting, it would be easier to save $100 each month if you were spending were already going on shopping sprees every week.  But what if you aren't a shopper and aren't the type to indulge in an $8 cup of burnt coffee every morning, how do you save $100 each month then?  Start bringing your lunch to work, take shorter showers, use coupons... you get where I'm going with this right? (Let's hope.)

My point is these people who are not even in the normal BMI weight range have so many more ways to cut calories and so much more weight to lose, they even burn more calories with the more they weigh.  I find it impressive when a person looks amazing in a bikini not when they've gone from obese to overweight. Big whoop. Guess what? You still overindulge.  That last 10-15 pounds is so much more impressive than all the rest in my eyes.

I want to be impressed with myself, I don't push myself nearly enough.  I still have 10-15 (even 20) pounds to lose before I can be impressed with myself.  I feel like I eat relatively good, as in compared to what the [overweight] people around me eat but when compared to thin people...no.  I'm a fatass.

I've got to change.  Spring is here and summer will smack me in the ass before I know it if I don't do something now.  I know we all say it a million times, the whole I need to change schpeel but I will continue to do so until it imbeds itself in my brain and these words turn into actions and translate into a SMOKING HOT BOD.

Until then... le sigh.

I Can't Get No Satisfaction

The majority of the time I feel like I'm not a significant person to anybody besides my mom but today I didn't feel that way.  I spent the day with my Sis, just me and her, which is rare since she's a mommy now. I realized today that there are certain things that she can talk to me about that she really can't with other people.  They have to do with her husband she told me that she can only tell me because I can be open minded about the situation and still love her husband at the end of the story.  And I won't go postal.  It felt good to hear that and I hope that my advice makes her feel better.  I like being the person that people can talk to.  My cousin from Visalia was telling me some her and husband things too, it kind of amazes me that they are comfortable with me, of all people, to talk to about their relationships.

I know my name means wisdom but... well, you read my blog!  No wisdom aqui!  Just a sarcastic & disordered little mexican! (little like short) (obviously)

^ I wrote the above yesterday. ^

I've been trying to write but I feel so uninspired.  I have no material, only thoughts and even my thoughts are dull.  I get lost inside myself and I see the world as if it were television, it's not real.  I watched this show where this girl is sitting in an empty house with a laptop, an iPhone, a book and a TV and although she gives attention to each-a blog or two on her laptop, flip the station on the TV, read a couple pages during the commercial break then browse through the twitter feed on her iPhone but none of it penetrates her mind.  She looks around the room but nothing pops, it may as well be in black and white-no color, no texture.

She wonders where the time goes, it's only been an hour since her last meal but she wants to eat, she is not hungry but she wants food, not just one thing but everything.  She wants to taste sweet and salty and sour, feel the textures on her tongue-crunchy, creamy, crisp and mushy.  She eats a half an apple but it is not sweet, she eats a tangelo and there is no substance.  She looks to the cupboards, cereal might do it but it needs more saltiness (sunflower seeds) and it needs to be sweet (dried cranberries) but it looks so dry, yogurt would make it creamy.  And so she eats and her bowl is empty, it's as though it were never there at all; she is not satisfied.  There is no taste in her mouth, fullness in her belly and somehow the craving is stronger.  Perhaps she took the wrong approach, maybe she needs something different.  Pseudo pizza.  A rice cake, cheese, tomato sauce x 4? 5?  All she knows is she wants more of something but it's just not possible, there are too many calories inside her and her weight is already a humiliating number. 

She chugs water until it hurts and bends over the toilet with fingers probing the back of her throat.  Her gag reflex is not of the sensitive kind, she tries to dig up thoughts and pictures to get her body in the mood but if there were a face to her thoughts the expression could only be described as stoic.  Her finger presses deeper moving from side to side, to and fro.  Each time she pukes, it's not enough, it lacks substance, the sustenance is still inside her.  

Finally she calls it quits, not because she wants to or because she is empty but because her body is denying her.   If I just don't eat the rest of the day, she thinks... only she wants to eat more.  She wants the taste on her tongue and the textures in her mouth but it never lasts long enough and only leaves her wanting more.  She goes back to the couch, flip the channel, skim a blog, browse the tweets, read a page, the kitchen tugging at her thoughts... wash, rinse, repeat.

I am a shell of a girl, growing on the outside, shrinking into nothingness from within.  There are people who need me here and love me but the bulk of my time is meaningless.  I feel like life is leaving me, I don't know whether to fear or look forward to the day that it goes completely.

I hide from the world in the confines of my home, only my mom sees how cut off I am from the rest of the world.  She has hopes for me and maybe it's this hope that keeps me hiding my isolation and trying to seem normal to the rest of the world.  Perhaps, even she believes that I am mostly normal.

How can I be normal if I don't even feel real?

I feel like I am waiting for life to happen to me, like some window needs to be opened up for the life to come through.  Why waste a life going unlived, surely there is hope that life will happen.  Or am I slowly being edged out until I can no longer be of use. 

So-oh-oh. So-oh-oh. So-oh-oh Funktafied.

I've started this post about 20,437,349,234 times today. (That's an exact number.) (I counted.)

And here I go again.

I've been in quite a bit of funk since... it's been too long, I may just be funky at this point.  I'm trying to get back into gear, the weight-loss gear.  I have some new guidelines for myself.

• 3 meals of 300 calories, 4 hours apart.
• Keep the meals relatively balanced.  This means protein, omega-3's, calcium, veggies, fruit, fiber and whole grains and not 300 calories of only one type of food.
• Try and avoid food that I know will trigger me.

That's it, just those 3 guidelines, I can't even call them rules as life is constantly throwing curveballs and being all rigid just freaks me out and I do something that makes my jeans tight again.  My jeans are tight. On Friday night I binged, it never starts out as a binge, one more just kind of multiplies and turns into a might as well.  Bread is not so easy to purge, I know this but as I said, my binges are rarely premeditated events.  

I don't know how long I was bent over, snot & tears running down my face, finger probing my dry achey throat and nothing more than acidic saliva soaking my hand.  I thought I was controlling the situation and it's why I said, "onward with the binge!" with my finger pointing to the heavens and I ate sumore.  When the excess calories were stubbornly defying my beckoning fingers, panic set in and the reality of the situation nearly dropping me to my knees.

I wanted to cry my eyes out, I wished for the days when I used ipecac and puking was a sure shot. (Don't worry, I can't get my hands on it any more-not even on the internet.) (Not that I've tried...*cough*) I considered taking shots of vodka but I wasn't sure how effective it would be, thre are extra calories and I didn't want to end up blacking out.  I went to the kitchen and chugged glass after glass of water until my stomach felt like it would rip open.  I shook around hoping the water would get underneath the food so it could surf on out of me on a wave of water.

It worked.  Mostly.  I puked until I was exhausted but I knew it wasn't all out of me and my prior (failed) attempt already zapped much of my energy.  The result?  Gain.  The next day I ate too much and kept it down.  Gain.

Yesterday, I tried.  It was real efforty.  I followed my guidelines and even after my last meal, I almost, almost, made myself another bowl of steamed veggies but I DIDN'T!  I made a pot of decaf instead. Unfortunately, there was no exercise involved and my laziness did not go overlooked when I stepped on the scale this morning.  Gain.  I am disgusted with myself and despite feeling super bloated and fat this morning I really was shocked to see the number go up, I thought it would be the same as the previous day.

I didn't know what to do today.  Binge and purge?  No, I can't risk not being able to get it all back up and what if my body hangs on to all the food I eat after I purge?  Shall I fast?  Nah, I already knew it would lead to disaster.  No fast.  So I just stuck to the guidelines and hope for the best. 

I can't keep doing this to myself, to my body.  In the times that I've lost weight and maintained the loss I did it the old fashioned way.  Sort of, I guess counting calories really isn't "old fashioned" but eating healthy and balance and restricting is how I've seen results that last.  It's so annoying, I want to be disciplined enough to not eat or exercise until I collapse.  It's just not me.  Short cuts end up taking me the long way, one step forward and two (or 7) steps back.

I'm going to take the safe & sure route.  I went to the grocery store(s) today to buy things that will satisfy me and my cravings in a smarter, Hungry Girl-ish way.  This is how I use to be, I would always find some kind of low cal way to eat more or less what I wanted.  I'm going back to that, I'm fully stocked.

• Fruit: Apples, Bananas, Tangelos
• Frozen Veggies: Broccoli Florets, Carrots
• Boca Burgers
• Cheese: Laughing Cow Light Wedges, Smart Beat Sliced Cheese
• Rice Cakes
• English Muffins (Light, Multi-grain)
• Probiotic Yogurt
• Fiber Cereal (from Trader Joe's)

I was gonna get Better 'n Peanut Butter and I had to put it back because I just love the stuff and before I know it, the whole damn jar is gone.  I guess I'm not normal because I've never been a huge fan of peanut butter and if you expect peanut butter when you try this, you probably won't like it.  But if you think more along the lines of a super creamy nutty grainy spread, it's delishus!  I don't know if it's a good or bad thing that I love the diet foods better than I like the regular ones; fat-free tastes better to me but it backfires when I'm in the binge situation because even some diets foods are triggering for me.

So...let's think...what else can I write about that you don't give a *@&# about?

I know! I know! I've been reading the books TrueBlood is based on and they're pretty darn good!  I was thinking about the whole vamp thing and how Americans are uber obsessed.  While I was reading, I realized that being a vampire would mean no more calorie counting, scales, exercise or wrinkles.  You're body remains as it was when you died; dieting and botox need not apply.  Every single day I hate the image in the mirror because I wish it were better and I know that if I exercise and eat right it can be. The scale controls my mood each day as do the calories in meals I've eaten and yet to eat.  My whole life seems to revolve around food and body.  Take food and body out of the equation and what would I be left with?  What would consume my thoughts then?

I'm not sure but if vampires do exist I better not run into one until I lose 20 pounds.  

Just sayin'.

Take It From Me Folks

It's Friday, I say this to you because sometimes I feel this need to state the obvious and pretend it's poetic.  (Pretend is clearly the operative word here.)

I've eaten a lot today, the bulk of which has been in vegetables which isn't bad.  Let's face it though, it's not exactly good either in the department of caloric restriction.  I'm at approximately 1,000 today (not all of it is veggies, maybe 1/2) and it's only 3 in the afternoon.

On Friday.

It's a scientific fact (in my own personal book of Scientific Facts) that minutes on Fridays are 87.12031% longer during the hours of wheneveryougetup until about 9 o'clock and then all of a sudden the planets do a little dance, make a little love and do a bootie bump with Earth, making it impossible to go to sleep at a decent hour.  It's very inconsiderate.  These selfish planets are completely insensitive to whether or not you have anything to do (nothing) or what ungawdly hour you got up in the morning (damn ungawdly).  Go ahead and try to defy the effers! Gi-gi-gi-Give it all you got! Gi-Give it all you got.  Workout, eat turkey all day, drink warm milk, do everything on your to-do list, put on your favorite jammy jams, some Kenny G., read a textbook and try, just try and fall asleep.  You can't.

Scientific Fact. It's Friday.

1,000 calories already and it's Friday.  Are you seeing now how this is problematic?  And because I'm an intelligent human being and not in the mood to take on the planets today I'm going to drink some coffee. I mean, who am I to get in the way of a good booty bump?  Exactly.  Coffee it is.

I've written countless hate letters to that old bastard the late and great Mr. Father Time to put an end to this Friday Freakishness and regulate on those Punk Ass Planets.  Perhaps my letters must have gotten lost in the mail.

Sad Truth

I'm puking again, I thought it was over; I thought wrong. (Evidently. Sorry toilet.)

The weird part about all of it is that I don't really feel bad about it.  This past month or longer it's been misery trying to suppress the desire and now I feel strangely calm about it all.  I suppose this could be the honeymoon stage of the relationship between Ed and me, only time will tell.  It feels right, right now.  So eff it.  The numbers on the scale do not please me and whatever, however to change that is the way to go from where I'm standing.

I suppose it is only a "sad truth," as my title suggests, if you are seeing the puking as a bad thing but oddly, I am not sad about it.  Do I wish I could not be sad and struggley not puking? Sure I do, but 3 years ago I opened a can of worms and right now I'm just gonna go with it because it doesn't feel wrong and I'm tired of fighting.

Again.

Me and Mia.... le sigh, le sigh...

The first time we ever got a chance to be alone we knew, that it was wrong to do.  I guess that's why I was drawn to you.  The 2nd time leads to the 3rd, the 5th, the 7th time...I feel so alive.  It won't last but it's alright.  

Fleeting joy and fading ecstasy, here it goes again...sneaking fruit from the forbidden tree, sweet taste of sin...and I’m doing it again...I said it would end but here it goes again...

This time you told me you saw me at the same hotel, you said you knew me well, and I had a familiar smell.  You asked me how am I ever gonna learn to put my trust in you, like you want me to, It’s cuz I know what you're prone to do, 

Accusations fly like bullets do, here it goes again….

but you know me because you're doing it too,  

The cycle never ends...never ends...you’re doing it again… you said it would end but here it goes again. And again….

Damn, I love you! But this is crazy! I have to fight you almost daily!  We break up so fast, and we-we make up so passionately, 

Why can't we just trust each other?!  You can't hate me AND be my lover-passion ends, and pains begins, I come back... And we’re doing it Again!

Each time you call me home in a sweet refrain, saying things will change, you'll take away the pain.  Then we flashback to the first time you put your spell on me, you envelope me, you feel good as hell to me.   One moment leads to another few, Here it goes again...leaving you is, oh, so hard to do, I just can't pretend, can't pretend, I keep doing it again!  I said it would end….

So we did it again.

Knowing we should quit it, but we simply won’t admit it again. It feels good, it’s so good. But I won’t do it again. It’s so dramatic again.  After we go at it, we get mad then we go at it again.  Oh I love it, then I hate it, she’s my favorite Again.  I’m wasting time-I can’t help it she’s so fine, I like her style and I love the way she talks and I smile.  As much as we may try can’t quite see eye to eye... so in the meantime I guess we say bye-bye... And again and again….

So we fake it again. I think we’re gonna blow it, and we know it-but she’s naked again; we get wasted.  Then I taste it, then I waste it again. 

I can’t invite her again cuz she’ll go from a lover to a fighter and I’ll fight her again. So it’s over, but I told her to come over. Again-wasting time-but she’s always on my mind, I can’t let her go.  

She’s not the best. But she’s all that I know.

As much as we may try, can’t quite see eye to eye, So in the meantime I guess we say bye-bye…. We do it again… and we want it again… and again….

So I’ve got a new friend.

I wish I could forget you but I miss you, wanna kiss you. Again. She’s like you.  But she’s not you. Gotta find you. Again.

So we remember again, the middle of December and I took you out to dinner. Again. I love her, it’s not over, just another again.  (And again and again and again) It’s another again--- I love her, it’s another again…

AND NOW....

In fairness, I was an easy sell.  Though I'm embarrassed to admit it to myself.  And the worst part is, you know it all too well. So don't take advantage of my transparent shell.  But you think you know what I need. Impossible as it may seem and I think it's easy to see.

I am awake, it's getting late I'm ino no state to be alone now.  Yeah I'm alone now.  Come light the fire in my room  I think I'm losing all control now.  I don't even know how. But I'm in your rip tide and now I'm inside out.

I'm in the corner of the street cafe and my heart is warmer since I heard from you today.  Like a shadow creek I am gleaming,  I got no chance of keeping any secrets.  Have I lost enough security yet?

I am awake, it's getting late I'm ino no state to be alone now.  Yeah I'm alone now.  Come light the fire in my room  I think I'm losing all control now.  I don't even know how. But I'm in your rip tide and now I'm inside out.

I tried to hide it-I can't deny it. Now I'm inside out.  Say you love me, it's all or nothing. Now I"m inside out

I am awake, it's getting late I'm ino no state to be alone now.  Yeah I'm alone now.  Come light the fire in my room  I think I'm losing all control now.  I don't even know how. But I'm in your rip tide and now I'm inside out...

Songs...

John Legend: Again

John Legend: Another Again

Kate Voegele: Inside Out

Square one.  Again.

In the nick of time

Today was not satisfactory but it could have been SO MUCH WORSE!!

My "liquid fast" is more like a "don't consume anything you have to
chew fast." Again, with the baby food. You know how Savory says you
just don't binge on baby food? Well, apparently I have no shame and
my binge addiction surpasses the likes of food made for babies in tiny
little jars and plastic containers. Hell I wouldn't be surprised if a
few plastic lids were compromised in my baby binge haze, they're
probably floating around in gut right now.

I calculated about 1210 calories today. 3 protein shakes @ 130 cals
each is over a quarter of it and the rest was in the form of baby food
and tomato sauce (not just plain-I'm no stranger to the spice rack!)

It could have been much worse. My mom bought bread. BREAD. My arche
nemises slash love of my life. It was taunting me all day long. And
you KNOW that one serving would not be the end of it, all 600 calories
of the bag would have been consumed and that would trigger and be only
the beginning of a self loathing feeding frenzy!

Baby food it was.

At only 3:30 I had consumed over 1,000 calories and I was looking at
entire night of home alone time. Just me and Mr. Bread. And then my
phone rang and it was my mom coming to save the day (or at least
discontinue todays self destructive behavior). We went and saw Avatar
in 3D and it was AMAZING!! (no really, go RIGHT NOW and watch it with
those silly little glasses, it's worth it!)

I'm not happy about the 1210 calories I had today but it could have
been so much worse. I pray tomorrow and days to come will be better.
I'm very down these days (if you've been reading a while I'm sure it
is painfully obvious, in fact, I'm surprised anybody is still
reading!) and all I can think about is bingeing and purging.

I get so far as the binge and when I feel my heart racing, notice the
haze that surrounds me, the uncomfortable tightness of my distended
belly I look to the bathroom and I can see my ghost of nights past
bent over at the waist, eyes watering, nose running with my fingers
lodged in the back of my throat frantically searching for the magic
pressure point that will eject the contents of my stomach, rotting my
teeth and swelling my cheeks in the process and I frown. "do I really
want to do this?" I ask myself, "it only leads to more and worse." but
still, I consider it. I think of my streak and my blog-where I would
have to confess my sin. I think of the last time I broke on the 77th
day and it took me nearly 3 months before I could get through a week
without puking. I hate myself in these moments, I hate that I ever
got to this point that I even have these memories.

I wrote here once that 2010 will be the year that I quit. And when I
think that it empowers me, I don't want to make more of these
dreadfully embarrassing memories.

I remember when I was in the 4th grade we watched that movie with the
girl that turns bulimic (Hunger Point?) there is a scene where she is
out in the middle of the woods or something and she is in the back of
a station wagon binging on all kinds of junk food and it has stuck
with me since. Even in 4th grade I daydreamed about it but there was
always that threshold to pass. It takes alot to stick your fingers
down your throat long enough to actually bring anything up.

The first time I did it I was 14, drinking at my friends birthday
party, I felt my stomach flip went to the bathroom and brought up the
alcohol and until I had turned 21 that's the only thing I would bring
up, my sober mind couldn't override the natural reaction of pulling my
fingers when I triggered the gag. The day it did opened a can of worms.

But as memories flood back to me the seed was planted long ago, I've
always hated the reflection in the mirror. When I was as young as 5 I
remember I wanted to be white, I hated my brown skin, my brown eyes
and hair. (I'm Mexican) it's why I never learned Spanish, I wanted to
be as white as possible if I couldn't get there with appearance at
least I could do it with culture! I've always analyzed and
scrutinized my body in the mirror, I always wanted to just stop eating
but my will was not strong enough to follow through.

And then I got older and realized that with practice and patience the
mind can override the natural urges of the body (not that it's easy).
Did you know that sone yogis can slow their breathing and heart beat
to be undetectable? It's amazing what our minds can do if we know how
to use them, if we can figure out how to effectively brainwash
ourselves. It is, afterall, how many of us got to be disordered with
food and body. And now I'm trying to brainwash myself to healthy (or
as close to healthy as one can be after these 'worms' are let loose in
my mind).

This is really hard, I'm really struggling even now as I lay here in
my bed recalling these dreadful memories bread pulls at the corners of
my mind.

Sent from my iPhone.

Not All Right but Okay

In my group yesterday we read something about a girl detailing her experience of working at Abercrombie & Fitch.  We started talking crap about how rude they are there and one girl was saying that she once asked for a size 11 pant and the girl said, "We don't carry that big size here."  We all expressed our disgust at the rude comment.  In my mind I was thinking how I would never speak that size aloud, I won't even tell people I wear a size 7, I'm embarrassed of the number.

Onward with the crap talk, "Yeah, where is your restroom? You know, where you throw up all your food?" SizeEleven mocked. 

"Oh my gosh! I was at Disneyland yesterday and in the restroom I could hear the girl in the stall next to me gagging!  So gross! When she came out her eyes were all red." Another girl exclaimed, the group chimed in adding comments of disgust.  I stayed silent.  I just couldn't say anything,  I was distracted by my own discretions with my battle with bulimia.  85 days and fighting every. day.

One of the girls in the group in super thin, she eats junk food and I envy her.  I can't "snack" I can only gorge and thus have to distance myself from non-healthy food.  On one day of my 5 day binge I made a pizza and I was fine after 2 slices of pizza and I thought wow, I can stop right now.  But it was so good, just one more... and before I knew it the pizza was gone (it was less than 800 cals for the entire thing) (I have a habit of calculating calories for an ENTIRE package before I even open it for this specific reason).

It was weird being around people talking about puking, it reminded me of how I am not what I present to the world.  How heavy this secret is, the jiggly walrus in the room that only I am aware of.

In other news, I'm still going on the March Madness.  I bent the rules yesterday in the form of baby food (the bananas are to die for!!) but still managed to keep my calorie count below 750.  Yesterday, I skipped my first class and my second class (despite the 4 minutes of uncomfortable convo) went well, my group is really cool and I even got hit on by some dude in the hall which is a confidence booster.  And when I got home my sister and niece were over, my niece is the cutest little bundle of fun ever!  I'm not a kid/baby person but I love playing with that little girl, I can make her smile and laugh (this is not normal-this child is a happy one!), I love it!

During the day yesterday I was pretty down, today I feel better, rested.  I am hungry though,  I wonder if it's the lack of fat in my diet?  My joints are bothering me, they need WD-40 and when I get cold it feels like there is ice lodged in them.  

Better to bend the rules than break them.

Hallow

A professor was talking about fasting on Monday (day 1 of my liquid fast, how weird how things work) and she was speaking about how the senses are heightened.  I don't quite remember which day she was talking about but I'm on my second day and while I haven't noticed heightened sense I have noticed a feeling.  I can't quite put my finger on it.

I guess one way of putting it would be to say that I feel empty of emotion.  Nothing excites me, nor angers me; I am indifferent.  I feel as though I am a shell of a person, I struggle to show emotion of any kind.  I can disappear from Earth tomorrow and I'm sure it would take a month for anybody to truly notice (aside from my mom).  I'm not only cut off from society, I am cut off from my own spirit.

Did my soul quit on me?  Is there some sort of 'now hiring to fill the position of Flushed' on my body in the universe?  Waiting for new souls to come fill out applications on my pitiful life and coming up short.

I wonder why I do this to myself, not just the eating disorder, but all of it.  I don't live, I simply exist.  I am a guest star in the lives of others but I am completely disposable.   The only time I do anything is when it is completely obligatory and dependent on others.  If nobody calls on me, I do nothing.  I try and fill the role I think they expect of me and then disappear from the radar again.

I think that maybe I got this eating disorder because I needed a friend, a distraction from the nothingness that has become of me.  It's easier to just disappoint myself, I will always be there with me.

I am afraid to live in the world because I fear the world will reject me.

I'm on day 2 of this liquid fast and I've thought several times to just forget the whole thing and binge and purge because what am I even doing it for?  Because I want to look good in a bikini?  And for what, it's not like anybody will see me.  It's not like I have anybody to share this body with.  I am alone in the world and I teeter between being alone and fat or being alone and skinny because either way I am hallow.

I feel:
lost.
empty.
sad.
lonely.
ugly.
without purpose.

I have no energy. All I want to do is sleep because there is a potential for dreams in sleep and dreams are all I have to live  for because my reality is empty.

*gun shot*

March 1, 2010 : Mission: §uper§kinny

Skinny is a choice, make it.

What's the plan today?  

• Get up and study (reading for Eng, work on Study Guide for Psych) and pick up around the house (bingeing is messy business plus the cleaning ladies come tomorrow). And, damnit Flushed, be ON TIME!!  Exercise discipline and control over yourself!! Stop being a slave to the television and a prisoner of the couch! (Seriously, your killing me!) And another thing, do a little exercise, lunges, sit-ups and even some push-ups, it's not all that time consuming and a little bit goes a long way!

Calorie Range? 

• Under 700.

How much do you weigh? 

• 125 lbs. (oh. my. gawd. FML)

How much do you want to weigh?

• 105-110 lbs.

On a scale of 1-10, are you satisfied with yesterday?

• 4. I ate everything just because it was there, I wasn't even hungry.  I did do lunges and sit-ups. I didn't really get much done, like homework or cleaning and I was a total hermit.  I didn't even respond to texts.

How could you have been better?

• I could have taken a shower! (I'm gross.) I could have refrained from eating the entire contents of the kitchen and waited until I was at least a little hungry instead of gorging myself. Respond to texts.  Been more disciplined with homework and done more of it.

List 1 productive thing you did yesterday?

• I did lunges and sit-ups but other than that-nothing really.  I did a little of this and didn't let that get too bad but... I can't really say that it was all that productive.

What is one productive thing you'd like to get done today?

• Have my room cleaned before I go to bed. (Instead of running around like a Mad Woman in the morning!)

REMEMBER!

Take a deep breathe & ask yourself: 

"Am I truly hungry?" 

Drink a glass of water before & after meals AND in between.

If you get bored, drink zero cal juice as a snack.