Non sto bene

It all started on Wednesday in Costco, I only went for a couple things and I knew almost exactly where they were.  There was no need to peruse the aisles but somehow this added torture was completely necessary.  I was planning again, planning my Saturday Sabotage-y'know the one I said I would never repeat? Yeah. That one.

My aggravation increased with every passing minute.  I hated  the other shoppers, how can they eat that stuff and not feel guilty? I wondered.  My eyes moved from their cart to their body, and THAT's why your fat. I'd look at my own cart, a case of v8 and gum, but they're probably happy, a small and faint voice whispered from the far corner of my mind and I could feel the sadness washing over me as the voice grew strength. Look at what you are doing to yourself, your making yourself miserable and for what? You aren't even skinny.  You're still fat and you're fat the hard way. I pushed the voice away, I'm losing, I've been doing good liquid fasting and I'm losing.  I'm going to be super skinny, it's worth it, it'll be worth it.  That food, all it is fat.

When I finally got back in my car I wanted to cry and kick and scream at the top of my lungs but I just sat there, stoic.  I didn't even want to think or feel because it was only hatred and misery and I couldn't even lie to myself because I was all too aware that lies is exactly what they were.  I'm losing because I am miserable but if I eat, I will be losing more because then I'll be fat and miserable.  I am a loser either way.  I hate myself and I hate being me.

My eyes are still dry and lifeless, it takes conscious effort and an exertion of energy to turn them on.  When I got home on Wednesday I binged.  It started off fine, it always does but the craving for food was insatiable and I lost my mind.

I still haven't found it.

It's Friday night now and I haven't stopped eating.  I am dead inside.  I am fat outside.

Looking back over the past month of trying to fast I realize that it's done me more harm than good.  The problem is not the fasting, the problem is coming out of the fast. 3 times now, I have completely obliterated any hoping of sustaining the weightloss because I lose all control.  One bite turns into One Entire Empty Kitchen.

A Sane Person may, at this juncture, might decide that liquid fasting is a Bad Idea.  On the other hand A Sane Person wouldn't have decided at any point in life that sticking their finger down their throat was A Good Idea either.

So now that we're clear on that, I want to fast the entire month of March.  March starts on a Monday, which is faboo because who doesn't love a fresh start?  So, this is a liquid fast, of course and was inspired my Savory.  Anything that can be drank through a juice box sized straw is a go-go.  Obvy, milkshakes and the like are a hellmuthafukin No. Tracking my calories and weighing myself daily is a given and I'm deffo saying yes to acohol (Savory is not) (you are a stronger woman than I Savory) but there is a couple of birthdays and such that I'm not sitting sober through.  

I'm a nerd with technology so I have my iCal e-mailing me on the daily and I will answer the questions that I ask myself in hopes that this will keep me focused. Below is what the e-mail will say, it's subject to change if I think of anything (or you do) to add to.

I still have 2 more days but I don't want to go all ape-shit on the food front.  For the next two days: No junk.  Eggwhites, vegetables, fruit, oats... these things are okay.  (and coffee and stuff)

the email:

------------------------

Skinny is a choice, make it.

What’s the plan today?

Calorie Range?

How much do you weigh?

How much do you want to weigh?

On a scale of 1-10, are you satisfied with yesterday?

How could you have been better?

List 1 productive thing you did yesterday?

What is one productive thing you’d like to get done today?

REMEMBER!

Take a deep breathe & ask yourself: 

“Am I truly hungry?” 

Drink a glass of water before & after meals AND in between.

If you get bored, drink zero cal juice as a snack.

Planet & Stars are like happy and stuff

Tic Tac Toe 2 in a row! (yea, ya work with me pee-pole!)

Today was a good day, the stars and planets were aligned in some crazy pattern that was smiling down on me!  I worked on my essay all morning but I had class so I had to take a break from it and hope that I could get more work done on it in between classes.  I was running late for class 1, banking on no traffic, hoping for a great parking space and wishing for class to just be cancelled so I can work on the essay some more.  Smooth sailing on the freeways, one go round I got the spot but even running I was still 3 minutes late-the door was closed but as I got closer I saw the lights were off too!  Class cancelled! YES!  I'M GOLD YALL!! GOOOOLLDDD!!!!

Headed over to Jamba Juice to work on my essay (I chose it for geographical convenience and figured I could find a lower cal smoothie instead of getting one at Trader Joe's because I end up drinking the whole damned 2 serving thing) (it's delishus, stopping is just not an option).  I got the Strawberry Nirvana and nirvana it was, tallying up to 150 calories-double the price and half the calories but it was worth it, my desire to be thin is worth it.  The girl at Jamba Juice even offered me a sample of oatmeal and I declined-she insisted and stuck with my no thank you (small victories).

I was right on time for class, we did a quick assignment, turned in our essays and class was over.  I'm pretty sure we were in there like 15 maybe 20 minutes.  Awesome, right!! (Nope, not a question, it was awesome)

So my calorie tally is 625 (I'm adding 10 cals for the diet Pomogranate-Cranberry juice I'll drink a lil lateer).  I'm happy with this total.  Normally when I eat considerably less (yesterday) than the day prior (24 hour binge) I have a higher cal day the next (today).

AND I got my EDD thingies today so I'm gonna get PAID soon!! (Yes I've gone this year with no checks. Slackers.) (Who cares though! I'm getting MONEY!!!)


I'M GOLD YALL!!! GoooooOOOOOOLLLD!!!!

---

Comment Reply:
You commenters are fantastic. Seriously, my heart lightens when I receive your comments and I feel less alone in the world. (Cheez Law-Weez I'm a cornball) (but, it's true)  We are all so different and yet we have this common ground, this piece that seems to be missing in our "real life" relationships (ninetynine).  Amazing how the mask of anonymity is so liberating, without it I could not post half the posts that I have, I probably would have quit blogging a long time ago.  Sometimes when I start to erase what I've written because I'm too embarrassed I remind myself that this is the one place where I need to be honest otherwise, I'm just lying to myself.  I have even considered lying about my purging and I realized that I would only be cheating myself so I don't.  This blog really is my toilet of truth.

Thank you all so much for reading and for commenting.

I leave you tonight with some quotes:

"Peace comes not from the absence of conflict, 

but from the ability to cope with it." 

"When I let go of what I am, 
I become what I might be." 

"The greatest discovery of my generation

 is that a human being can alter his life 

by altering his attitudes." 

A Better Day

I liquid fasted today.  643 calories total which is low for me. 

That's it.  That is my accomplishment for the day.  Unless mastering the art of Couch Potato-ing can be considered an accomplishment.  Or perhaps, Procrastination? 

It's 9:30pm and there is still much to be desired of the day.  I must finish my essay.

HOLD THE PHONES!! Watching some show on E! and homeboy just threw away his cupcake after Windexing(!) it because otherwise he'll dig it out and binge on the ish!  I need to start throwing food away! Seriously, I could have just gone to bed last night when I got home.  I wasn't hungry but I ate because there were things in the kitchen that I knew I would taunt me (today) if I didn't get rid of them.  Next time- it's Windex for those taunters.

AND THEN!! This PR chick with the hot pink jacket and teeny weeny LBD is checking herself out in the mirror and saying that she's fat.

Let's just think about that for a minute.

This is the society we live in!  It's no wonder we are obsessed with body image and food.  I wish I were immune to this highly contagious disease.

I really need to be strong this week.  I really need to lose-to progress especially after yesterdays regress (woohoo! That's a word!!)  (so is jauk btw, got me 56pts in Scrabble!) (I looked it up-after the fact, of course, apparently I jauk a lot.)  (I'm a jauker.)  (in fact, I'm jauking right now) 

What was I saying?

Oh yeah.  So I'm still on board for this whole pseudo lent/ pseudo fasting thing I got going only I had to make the whole "1 meal a week" thing, one 24 hour period of bingery instead.  Obvy, I will try to refrain from this sort of gluttony come next week and weeks to follow.  Stay in control and only eat veggies and fruits and generally healthy stuff on my little free day and not go overboard and scour the cupboards in a feeding frenzy.  It's just not cool.  It's just not.

I am gonna be skinny, damnit!

Damnit! I will be skinny!

Shut up Kitchen! I'm giving you the silent treatment!! You done me wrong yesterday!  Real wrong.  Have a sad and lonely night you, you...JERK! 

Hmph.

Thrice

Not once.

Not twice.

Thrice I binged today.  All 3 were terrible, terrible episodes.  Purging not included, I suppose I wanted to keep the one ounce of dignity I have left in the form of a non-purging streak.  At the moment I loathe it because I'm going to be super fat and unhappy tomorrow and it's my fault for being a gluttonous pig.

It's my fault.

The hardest part of it all is that it is my fault.  I reap what I sow and I done sowed the wrong muthafukin shit.  So now and tomorrow and forever I will be working to negate the damage.

In other [less depressing] news, I did go over to my friends house and had fun.  I get so sucked up in isolating myself and obsessing over my body and whothefuckknowswhatelse and I forget how many smiles being with friends can be.  It's not the same with my family, there is heaviness in my heart when I am around a lot of my family where I cannot be myself.

This turned depressing.

HappyThoughts.HappyThoughts.HappyThoughts.

My friends told me that I am a good writer today.  That my e-mails are hilarious and I should write a blog (hardee har har).  I hold up this masquerade of positive attitude and I'd like to think I mostly am (or mostly becoming am) (that didn't make sense-moving on) but when the topic of conversation turns to me the negativity surfaces.  I said that first I need to get a life so I actually have something to blog about.  They encouraged me anyway telling me to just write about anything and it'll be good and they'll publish it into a book one day and I'll be all Carrie Bradshaw-like and fabulous (I'd hang on to Aiden though).

Aren't my friends the sweetest!  Don't you just love their lies and wish it were the truth!

I guess that's what kills me, we all lie to those that we love to boost their confidence.  I fear false confidence, compliments given through eyes that see me through rosey colored glasses.

I still think it's funny that they tell me to get a blog and I have to pretend like I don't have one nor want one.  I guess the truth of the matter is that I am embarassed and ashamed to be me.  I have an eating disorder, I'm obsessed with my body, I have no friends, I isolate myself and do nothing with this life that I have.  I don't like what I see when I look in the mirror.  I don't like the thoughts that run through my mind.  I don't like the fact that I am so hung up on hating myself that I fail to really see the world around me or even properly care about others.  I am single and I don't wonder why, I know that it's because I am in this bubble that is my fault.

It's all my fault.  My reality is made from my own choices and thus I have continually made the wrong choices for myself.  My hallow heart beats without passion.

How do I change?  I am afraid of life.  I just want to start over.

(I swear I started this post with the intentions of it being a positive and upbeat post. Sorry. I suck.  Hopefully I will suck less in my next post.)

(I'm babbling.  It's late.  I hope this post even made some kind of sense.)

Sad, sad face for my friends

It's 10:30am.

I binged.

Bad.

I hate myself.

Liquid Fast Tomorrow.



That is all.

Le Sigh, Le Sigh & Sigh some more...

Today I have no obligations.  It's just me, free to do as I choose, my mom is gone to work (as per usual Monday through Fridays) and will be away for the entire weekend with her boyfriend.  It's 1:30 right now and I have done nothing.  

My thoughts are distracted by food; 

picking and choosing and mentally drooling, 

calculating calories, costs and consequences 

and meekly shooting each of these thoughts down with a sigh.  

I tell myself it will be worth it (with a sigh) 

I remind myself that my weight is 117.5 (with a sigh) 

and this number is too far from my goal (sigh) 

How I am making the right decision by not falling victim to these tempting thoughts

Remembering (with a sigh) last weekend when I had succumbed, spiraled and gained (sigh).  

The tipping point is watching the fight with my friends tomorrow. I'm a better person to be around when I'm not disappointed and hating myself for the actions of days prior.  

You're welcome friends, I will bring my happy face tomorrow when I see you.

Here I am 4 days of Anti-Solid Food Fasting at 117.5 pounds. I cannot help but imagine what magnificent, lower number the scale would have read should 3 consecutive days of bingeing had not occurred.  But alas, the past is done and present is here and all I have are my actions now to create a future present more to my liking than the one I am currently [sighing] in.

I will be strong today and continue this Anti-Solidness, tomorrow the number on the scale will be smaller and my smile will brighten that much more.

Thursdays are my Friday

I stressed myself out with completing an essay this week only to find out it is due this Tuesday (yay! I'm ahead of schedule!) and today I had a math exam (Idon'twannatalkaboutit). 

(not that I brought it up or anything... I bet you all question my sanity a lot huh?)

Watched my little cousins play basketball (they both made 1 basket!) and now I'm hear at home in the company of my mom and aunt drinking with them.  Reisling.  Whatever.  I deserve it!  And it's liquid so I'm not breaking my fast.

But I am thinking about it.  Saturdays baby shower is cancelled due to pregnancy complications.  Complications aside, this is a good thing.  This means there will be no event at my house with all kinds of food to avoid and no next day with all kinds of food to avoid and no decorating or clean up (I'm lazy but if you've read for any amount of time, you've probably figured this out by now).  Also, my friends are getting together to watch the UFC fight so I get to go to that!  Yay!  And they are used to me not eating, seriously, nobody around me makes me eat, I just tell them I ate before I left and they don't give it another thought because I'm a vegetarian always eating weird.

This is both a good thing and a bad thing.  On the bright side, no pressure & nobody hassles me.  On the down side, I want to be thin.  Obvy I'm not any kind of skinny, I want to be skinny-skinny.  I cant articulate what I'm thinking properly (well, less than usual) but there is this part of me that wants people to want to force me to eat.  I want to be a stick figure.  Size Zero, let's go!

But no, people just think I'm a health nut.  Meh.  I even told my mom and aunt that I was liquid fasting "to clean out my system" and they asked me what I'm drinking but more in the, curious because it must be healthy sort of way, not I'm worried you're getting too skinny and malnourished way.  Again, I said I wanted to give up food too.  I really want to do it.

On the other hand, though your comments help the bingeing and purging are still in my thoughts.  I don't know if it's fortunate or unfortunate that my thoughts are more towards bingeing than purging but really it's just two evils trying win me over.  I'm not so sure this wine is helping the situation.  (It's delish though...)

I don't but as of now, the Anti-Food Fast is still on the rise...

Streaking

You ladies are wonderful.  I am so blessed to receive comments of such nice & caring people, I thank you for that.   I want to highlight a couple comments on my last post that helped lighten the dark thoughts of relapse.

"...remember how horrible it is the smell, the taste, the feeling on your teeth, the shame the disgust, its not worth it..." ~Rain

"...What I do is tell myself that when I get to my goal weight ... I will pick out one thing to eat guilt free as a reward. Focusing on that thought always helps me kick binging urges..." ~NinetyNine 

 While I can't think of any guilt free reward to eat at the moment I can think of the rewards of my efforts.  Losing weight is wonderful.  Feeling your day was a success is Fantastic.  Looking in the mirror and seeing results in your body and the way your clothes fit is Inspiring.

Today is my 4th day of liquid(ish) fasting.  (I add the "ish" because I do drink smoothies from Trader Joe's and I add FlaxSeed Meal to my protein shakes)  Today is also my 71st day without purging.  Upon completion of today and an added 5 more days, I will have tied my longest (recorded) streak!!  Rest assured, I will not stop there, 2010 will be the marking year in my life that I successfully stopped purging.  It must be.  I cannot continue to abuse my body and mind with this disorder that plagues so many of us.


Yesterday was the first day of Lent (Catholic thing where you give up something until Easter), though I was baptized Catholic I don't practice this religion nor any others, I still want to give up something.  I was thinking solid food.  I'm still wondering if I could get away with 40 days (actually 42 since I started the NSF-Fast on Monday) without actually eating any food.  I'm considering making one free meal (just a meal not a day!) per week which would come to 7 meals.  We'll see.  I think I'll just make it up as I go along but I'm really shooting for the entire 40 days.

I keep my streaks on this App I have on my iPhone called "Streaks" (imagine that...) So I already have my Non-Purging Streak Calendar.

And now I have started a Fasting Streak and  a Bingeing Streak (the idea is to keep track of when it happens, these streaks are to be kept few and far between, if ever!).

Is it absolutely ridiculous how much I am dependent on my iPhone?  It's love.

Those 3 days of bingeing really hurt me.  1 step forward (NSF fast -6) and 2 steps back (Binges +6.5 lbs.) a mistake I must learn from.  I know that much of the weight was the food inside me but it's still painful and damaging to my disordered psyche to see those numbers so high and so far from where I was and even further from where I want to be.

Onward with the Non Solid Food Fasting!!  My body is loving it! :)

Devilish Delights Invading My Psyche

It surprised me at how many of you actually rip up your old pictures! That's awesome!!  I would be in deep trouble and it is also serves as a sort of reminder/motivator to not eat. (Most of the time)

More and more I'm thinking about bingeing and purging.


It all starts with a thought, as action tends to follow.  I make mental notes when I look through the grocery store adds and calorie counts of the forbidden foods, today when I was at Panera I picked out the binge foods off the menu while I was in line for my coffee.  It scares me when these thoughts creep back into my mind, I don't want to binge and I don't want to purge.

Not really anyway.  I suppose what I really don't want is the aftermath, the weightgain, the depression, the endless cycle of misery, I'm not sure that I can isolate myself anymore than I already have but... I have a feeling I could.  I even think about drinking too much, so much so that I puke, I'm still grappling with this idea and wondering if it really counts or not.  Like if I do it by alcohol as opposed to fingers somehow that makes it more acceptable.  People my age puke all the time when they've been drinking...

I want to think about being thin and healthy and happy.

2 days of liquid fasting and going on the third.

Little Miss Anti•Dirt

Yesterday was garage cleaning day, so on top of my already feeling (and let's face it BEing) fat, slothful and miserable, add Torture on top of it.  If you are ever cleaning or moving or doing anything that basically revolves around manual labor and dirtiness with a chance of spiders you can most definitely count me out.  It's worse than Chinese Water Torture to me (I haven't a clue of what this is but it was sounding like a fantastic alternative to cleaning the garage yesterday).  Be sure that if I am there you will wish I wasn't with all my bitchy in both speak and body language.

I felt bad for my mom to have to be around me but I was surrounded in dirt and spiders and general messiness and this drowned out any hope there was of me even trying to pretend to be Not Absolutely Miserable.  I came across some old pictures and among them there were my mom's old karate days, one picture even had her being flipped through the air while sparring.

My [dry&sarcastic] Self: Wow.  That looks like a great time.  Why don't you get into that again.

Mom (returning my sarcasm): Oh yeah, right, me at 50 years old being flipped through the air... yea my can handle that.

Me:  I can't say that I wouldn't enjoy watching that in action.  Flip! THAT'S what you get for making me clean the garage! Flip! AND THAT'S what you get for being a packrat!! Yeah, I think you should get back into that.

Mom: *Laughs and continues cleaning*

You know how they say that you're going to end up with a daughter worse than you were.  Well, that's reason #1 why I'm not reproducing. 6-7 months sans period and I ain't worried about it.  (Well, not really.  Maybe just a smidgen.)

Among the many pictures that I came across where me in the past.

I'm fat and ugly.  It made me want to give up and just say fuck it, why live, why try to be something you are not.  You are lazy and worthless and fat and ugly, why are you living again? 

But it's not like I'm gonna commit suicide, my mom loves me too much (I'm an only child), she sees the world in me and I wish I could see myself through my mothers motherly blindness.  So, I liquid fasted yesterday and I'm liquid fasting today. 

At least I can do something (or not do something rather, as inaction seems to be my preference of living) about being fat. 

Onward with the Liquid Fast!

My Slothful Ways

3 decent days accompanied by 3 nights of bingery.

I'm not a fan of holidays, they are reminders of how alone I am.  If people's lives were movies, I would be an extra, a featured guest at most.  Everybody should be the leading lady in their own movie.  And somewhere in that monologue that has run marathons through my mind all weekend is the Permission to Binge Clause.

The plan was only V-day to do the deed.

The plan failed.


I was not happy with myself on Friday night.  I liquid fasted all day and then came the night, I went into it having the intention to just have a small something and stop.  (Needless to say, I ran the stupid stop sign.)  Sunday, again, I liquid fasted all day and at night just let the binge come to me.  This last time it was at least calculated.  I even made a trip to the store, it wasn't as bad as it could have been.  I got a sweet potato, a can of pure pumpkin and escaped without pizza or bread or chips or crackers or any of the other things that had my vision fog as I made my way through the aisles.

2 cans of pure pumpkin (with dried cranberries and walnuts)
2 boca burgers (with a fresh tomato)
1 big sweet potato (sliced and baked)

It was delish and my stomach has been on the brink of explosion for the past 2 hours and showing no signs of calming.  Despite the sheer volume of food that I have consumed tonight, it is only half or a third of the calories from the previous 2 nights and double or triple satisfying as taste goes.  The previous night was junk food.  Empty calories.  Tonight at least I got some nutrition in me.

I am deathly afraid of the scale at this point, I will liquid fast until I am 110 pounds.  I really need to avoid it until like Wednesday or Thursday (Monday & Tuesday are out of the question!).  On Saturday a babyshower will be had at my house, so that means I gotta look halfway decent but it also means there will be food.  And my loving family will make sure that there are vegetables for me, I'm pretty sure I can avoid them.  My treat on that day will be drank!  (I'm looking forward to this) (I'm an alcoholic, don't judge.)

Day 6 Status: Self-Sabotaged.

I have an idea!

Why don't I 6 pounds in 6 days while cleansing my system through a liquid fasting and displaying an incredible amount of self control, blog my successes and how smaller numbers on the scale are so much better than food.

AND THEN...

[dun. dun. duuuuuuuuuunnnnnnn.]

And then I can feel incredibly lonely and sad (for no particular reason because I should be use to it) and I can eat every single piece of shitty ass food in my kitchen cupboards to the point where I cannot stand nor sit comfortable because my stomach is so distended, if I put anything more down my throat it will come back up on it's own.  There is simply no room.  My body is shaking from the sugar in my system, I feel this incredible urge to swallow one more thing.

My fingers.

I had it in my mind, that was going to be the next step.  Not all was lost, I could purge and then my fast wouldn't be a complete waste.  I was even mentally blogging my fuck up as I was fucking up, how fucked up is that?  But then I got to the part where I purge and I couldn't bring myself too.  It was punishment enough to have binged.  To purge would be infinitely worse.  I would throw away my streak, the streak that made it through Christmas and spending New Years Eve alone.  I tried to remember what happened the last time I screwed up my streak but I couldn't remember the incident but what I did remember was that it took me 2 months of bingeing and purging before I got the momentum back.   I remembered how long it's taken my facial swelling to come down.  I remembered how much more miserable I was when I was purging.  I remembered how much harder it was to lose weight and shitty my body felt.

I don't want to have bulimia intimately in my life.  I want to beat my 76 day streak, 2010 is the year that I stopped purging.  I'm gonna be 25 years old! I don't want this, I want to grow up, I want health, wealth and happiness and all the other cheesy cliches (okay, I wanna be stick thin too).  I have to overcome. Today.  Not tomorrow.  Today is tomorrow.  I must do this now, not later.  I'm on day 65 and tomorrow will be day 66, I won't allow myself to purge anymore.

It's easier to lose the weight on my body from a binge than to undo the damages that happen from purging; my teeth, esophagus, swollen glands... and my entire body and let's not get into the downward spiral of my mentality that would follow.

Bingeing is punishment in itself.  Liquid fasting will be my way to repair the damage.  I will do better next time.  Today was bad but tomorrow will be better.

I feel like such a failure right now but it was a failed battle as I am not a quitter and I will lose this weight and be at 105 pounds.  But first 115.  I will not let one night of bingeing ruin me, it does not mean that I am not strong, it means that I had a moment of weakness but I am stronger for it.

Non-Solid Food Fast

Today hasn't quite been what I had hoped.  It's 3:40 and I have already consumed 721 calories and this includes the Pear and the Apple.  I'm hoping the decaf coffee I made will stave off any further hunger so I don't eat all kinds of junk.  I've already had some fat thoughts of pistachios, walnuts ... and eyed roasted peanuts with peanut M&M's... pushed away thoughts of going out and getting junk food, I briefly daydreamed about a banana... considered eggwhites...  man this is tough.  I'm really a lot better at the all or nothing mentality than the moderation one.  I'll just try and keep a clear mind and do my best.  Come Monday I will be back to it and hopefully for longer since there are not any depressing holidays in the coming months.

I will be 105 and skinny mini in no time!!  I will because I must. It's just the way its got to be.

This is my protein shake.  I like to use the Magic Bullet Blender because it's super fast but when I was up north I just grabbed a cup and spoon and stirred like mofo instead.  I added the Flaxseed Meal for some healthy fat upping the calories of the shake to the inital 130 of the powder alone to 160 (adding an additional 30 calories with the one tablespoon of flaxseed meal).

I can just imagine you just shivering in your timbers at the calories, I use to feel the same but now that I have deemed purging NOT an option having some extra calories of healthy things to prevent me from bingeing is completely worth it.  Though immediate results are alluring I force myself to think in the long run, I don't want to be at my goal weight for a day, I want it for a lifetime but I cannot say the same for the disorder and it's yucky behavior (65th day purge free!!). 

Any other questions about what I've been eating can basically be answered if you look at the past weeks posts where you will find links that will take you to the website of the Pure Protein products.  I'm not sure of the nutritional info they give because my bottle thing says 130 but it does give you places where it's sold so you can take a little field trip and check it out for yourself if you'd like.

With that, I would also like to say: To Each His Own.  

This is what works for me and my lifestyle and (so far) my body.  I heard someone say once that every diet works, it's a matter of how you can work it into your life.  I hope we can all find a way to be at our desired weights and maintain them!!

Luv Ya :)

Flushed.

Tastey

New low: 116!!  This is so thrilling, I want more, MORE, MAAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRR!!!

Jeez losing weight is so addicting, seeing the numbers actually drop each day, as oppose to fluctuate, leaving me wonder each morning if it's just the accumulation of food inside me or fat taking up residence on my body.

Yesterday I completed day 5 (701 cals) of the no solid food fast, I'm still feeling good and nourished.  Granted come night time my belly grumbles and I have to go to bed before and remind myself that the rewards are greater (and less self-destructive) instead of googling restaurant menus with pictures of cal-tastrophic fattness.  So off to bed I go and lose myself in the world of Sookie and the Vampire Bill (my cousin lent me the books that True Blood is based on).

Oh the sweet reward of success!! New lows make me feel so much better than food! (Solid food, that is.)  If I'm going to "Treat Myself" on Valentine's Day with healthy delites than I need to start slowly introducing solid food into my system.  Only, continuing the fast sounds soooo much more appealing! I've read that raw fruits and veggies are the best way to break your body in so there is a pear and an apple on the counter just waiting for me to sink my teeth into.  In all honesty a protein shake or a smoothie or a v8 (make virgin bloody mary style) sounds so much more appealing.  It sounds like one step closer to 115... and then 110.

But I will eat the pear and likely the apple and then the next day add vegetables to that and then it will be Valentine's Day and I will have a date with food.  On Monday I will back on the fast or possibly Tuesday, Monday we are cleaning the garage (yay.  fun.) (not.) and I'm not quite sure how the whole liquid fast thing will go over but I think I can get away with it.  And again, I will go day by day.

I'm so determined to see 115.  And then 110.  AND THEN sweet 105!!!

105 is like my ultimate dream weight.  But first things first, and first there is 115.

Do You Know the Muffin Man?

Do you ever wonder if that quiet girl in the back of the room just might be me or some other blogger you read? I'm strangely suspicious of people waiting for them to slip up and I can peg them as eating disordered. I wonder if they notice the scars on my knuckles and suspect me of bulimia. I really can't even think of another excuse for them, I'm not exactly the kind to punch a wall.

I read blogs and try and think of the flip side, the world outside of blogging where there is just a girl having lunch with her friends.  She says she's just not that hungry and picks at her food but behind this behavior is there furious counting happening behind those eyes?  Is she planning purge?  I read about girls feeling too fat and disgusting, and instead binge and purge the day through rather than going to class or out with friends.  Then a girl is absent in my class or a friend doesn't feel like going out tonight and I wonder if this girl has a secret like we do.

In other news, today is day 4 of a successful non-food fast!  More calories than the previous days were consumed today.  I added a tablespoon of flaxseed meal (30cals) to one of my protein shakes, later I drank a Strawberry Smoothie from Trader Joe's that tallied to 240 cals.  Overall my days intake was 733 calories.

It seems high when I see that number but then I consider how 1200± has been my average intake since probably December so really, I'm ahead of the game still and I'm eating fairly nutritious (assuming the protein shakes & v8 are truly good for me) and I haven't eaten any solids still.  Unless you consider that flaxseed meal and the smoothie had a little more substance which my body did recognize.

Flush.

I've been fully of shit.

Evidently.

But I carried on, figuring this is part of slowly breaking my body back into solids.  I'd still like to go until Saturday making it a full 7 days but tomorrow I will reassess in the morning and see how I'm feeling about it.  I don't want to go to far and throw it all away by bingeing.

I'm anxious to see what the scale reads tomorrow morning to see if I continue to lose weight or if I'm at my set point.  I'm pretty sure on Sunday I will be eating actual food and I'm pretty sure of this because it's Valentine's Day and I'm (yet again) without a Valentine or any sort of plans (since I have few friends and they are all attached) so I will sit home probably reading and treating myself to some healthy goodies (like PurePumpkin and maybe baked sweet potato slices).

Which reminds me, I came home last night and that's what my mom had made, baked sweet potato slices, these things are delicious.  I took a peek then made my protein shake and erased it from my mind, imagining that even just one would inevitably result in me gaining 30 pounds instantaneously.  I also thought the same of the homemade muffins being passed out in class. In fear that in a moment of weakness I might gobble it up and speed right through to Binge City, I declined. 

The Silver Lining the Dark Cloud

Day 3 success!  I weighed in at 117.5 this morning which I'm pretty happy about.  117 has been the lowest my scale has read but I did sustain this weight but I'm eager to see lower.  I'm continuing another day on the liquid fast and see what numbers turn up tomorrow.  I want to keep this up until Saturday then perhaps on Sunday I will eat something sensible and easy on the digestive track (I'll have to google this later).  I have heard that it can be really hard on your digestive system to eat very much after a fast and I definitely neeeeed to maintain whatever weightloss happens.


Yesterday my intake was basically the same as the previous day only with an added 100% Green Essentials drink from Trader Joe's.  If you want to drink something delicious and nutritious skip it because while nutritious, the drink was not delicious.  It basically taste like all it's green ingredients (celery, cucumbers, spinach, kale, etc.) I had to wash it down with a v8.


Bodywise, I'm still feeling nourished and fine.  I try and forget the past and think one drink at a time.  If I start thinking about all the things I could have eaten and haven't I start feel a craving for food, it's like stirring the food monster when he's asleep.  I just focus on my drink as my meal and think, wow, all these nutrients and protein to satisfy my body, I'm so not even hungry!  I'm gonna be so skinny!  On to class.

Lying to yourself works more often times than not.

In other news, I can feel some fever blisters stirring beneath the skin of my lip.  It's so depressing, I hate them.  It's so irritating because I just don't know wtf causes these mother effers!  I suppose it could be stress, I have yet to write anything for the essay whose rough draft is due in like 6 hours nor have I done the exercises for chapter 4 of the class that's in 1 hour.  I so fucked myself by going up north this weekend and not taking advantage of the time I had alone to do schoolwork.  I'm not happy with myself.

And the cherry on the pie is the disastrous state of my room.  Seriously, it makes me feel like shit to walk in there.  I hate that I accept this, this, doing nothing I'm so lazy.  Instead I focus my energies on reading blogs?  This is something I should be doing on FREE time, as in the excess time that I have after I get the important things done.  I always just think that I'll only read one or it'll just be a quick update post and then off I go reading all of them until they are no more and then click-click in google land, googling random shit that doesn't matter.

Where is my focus?  I have none.  Not for school or cleaning... I hate this about me.  I wish I was a different person sometimes but then I guess I would just be set up with a different package of weakness and an onslaught of new obstacles.

How did this post get so depressing?  I dropped like 4.5 pounds! I completed 3 days of liquids only! I'm onto my 4th day!

Now. I'm looking at you Homework.

GrrrrrrOwwlll!

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Weigh in this morning.

(Drumroll please!)

119!

That'd be 3 pounds in one day, this morning in a flush (*wink, wink. nudge, nudge*) it seems I will be even less tomorrow. (I don't "flush" often.)

And I feel Grrrrrrr-ATE! (a la Tony the Tiger)

Dunun Duuuuuuu, Dunun Duuuuuuuu... (a la Rocky and Eye of the Tiger)

I'm on a roll!  Last night there was some tummy rumblage and even when I woke up this morning there was that little voice suggesting some food.  "Nay," I said to this voice, "Onward with the Liquid Fast!"  I made my shake, drank water before and after and then made some coffee and now I'm back to Tigress Flushed! Skinny Bound!  Feeling good and confident about another day!  I'm considering stopping at Trader Joe's and grabbing one of the Naked Green thingy's for a little change up on the nutritional side since today my first class is at 12:30 (3 hours long) and I won't be getting home until about 8 so I won't be able to get my protein shake in (and actually Trader Joe's started selling the PureProtein can shakes there too, so we'll see).

Anyway, I gotsta get ready for class.  I have more energy, which I'm not sure if this is accredited to the liquid fast or the the success of it but hey, I'm not complaining!!  Viva la energy!!!

Shake, shake, shake

Shake, shake, shake.  Shake your bootie! Shake your bootie!

I'm liking this liquid fasting thing I got going here.  I actually feel good, like with energy and stuff.  I even felt like commenting on a few blogs instead of being a "lurker," you comment on my blog and I feel so bad that I don't comment back on yours (even though I do read A LOT of them). GoogleReader really should make it possible to comment on your blog thru it... AND on my iPhone cuz if I'm reading from there I just can't comment, I'm pretty sure a Super Zen Monk would end up wanting to throw the beautiful iPhone out the window and kung fu fight those mothas who do the software programming at google/blogger.

And I'm not a monk nor am I an inkling of zen soooo... riiiight.

Today: 537 calories.
B - Protein Shake and coffee
s  -  Protein Shake
L - V8 low sodium Vegetable Juice
s  -  V8 low sodium Vegetable Juice
D - Protein Shake and Hot Tea

I'm a grazer, I have to eat every 2-3 hours to keep my sanity.  BTW: The v8 juice says 70 calories on the can, I'll have to double check.  And I drink bottled water before and after too (not like down it but y'know, bring it into class with me then after class have a can of v8).  I'm really hoping my body will reward me for my efforts in this, like I said before, I feel good and nourished.  I know many may like that starving feeling but I just want to not want food because for me starving just means I'm on the edge and about to crack. (I'm only speaking for myself on this.)

I'm really excited about this.

Day 2 is a success!!

Can't wait to post more success posts!  And drop to new lows in the weight department!

You see, since this whole No-Purge streak started, I upped my calories and haven't been below 900 in quite some time.

Eff You FATmerica! You are not my friend!

Monday morning weigh in was no bueno, a tell-tale sign that my consumption over the weekend (and if we're being completely honest here, 2010).  Saturday was really were I went bad, there was a ton of alcohol involved and a total binge, binges at my own house are one thing, there is all mostly healthy or dieters items, not so the case in my cousins house.

I ate almost an entire row of saltine crackers, at first with salsa and later with peanut butter... and a different kind of cracker (that I fail to identify)... and a banana.  About 5 slices of toast with butter (shoot me).  A small pizza crust (I took the pepperoni and cheese topping off).  A bowl of Cheerios with nuts and cranberries.

122 lbs.

Disgusting.

On a lighter note, yesterday to sort of make up for the bingetastrophy I had no solid foods.  Still I drank my calories, 5 protein shakes (b, l, d and a snack) and a Spicy V-8 which gave a calorie tally of 593.

I wasn't sure if I could pull this liquids only off, I've failed at home and being away gave a different set of problems.

Problemo #1:  A hangover.  When I woke up I drank a glass of water, a protein shake and more water while lying on the couch watching Mean Girls and trying to convince myself to get up and ready to hang with my cousin (and her friends) before the Super Bowl starts.  I figured I could start off with some coffee and move on to something alcohol with no food intervening and claim that I had eaten just before I left the house (hangovers are good for these types of excuses).  And if I was pushed to just order a house salad and pick at it (they are pretty much used to my weird eating ways...I'm a vegetarian and "from LA" so this is how they justify in their mind all my ways).

Problemo #2:  They decided not to go to where ever and invited me to lunch, "I think I need to go visit my dad" was responded with, "Good girl."   Food crisis averted. (Yes, I'm a bad daughter... but really, he's not really the greatest father so I think we kind of cancel each other out.  We both have good hearts and love each other, there is just somewhat of a language barrier and 400+ miles in between years of not knowing each other.  I try and make an effort.)

Problemo #3:  Whenever I come visit my dad we always end up going out to lunch (since this is what people do when they don't know each other well, distract themselves with food since we all have that in common right? ... right? ... *crickets*) but time was running short and he had already eaten and, naturally, I said I had also so I told him I would just stop by for a bit and visit with him.   Potential food crisis: defunct.

We visited, it was nice, it was over.  Then it was back to the house and 4± hours of car riding.  No food there!

Problemo #4:  "No food there!" «Wrong.  Pit stop at a gas station in the mountains.  Luckily, I had drank a protein shake before we left so that I wasn't tempted.  I stayed in the car, thinking that I wasn't even going to look but decided to go in (because bladder infections are no joke and I don't want to go that route!).  Once inside I considered some coffee but decaf was out and I didn't want to be up all night so I perused the drinks and decided on a Spicy v8 (got protein in me, now for nutrition) in hopes that this little recipe would sustain me and not having my mind in a debilitating food frenzy.

Problemo #4.5:  "Want some?"  I was greeted with a big ass bag of Doritos in my face and some bean dip within arms reach on my left.  My (honest to gawd) natural reaction is saying no and I did but, it's never offered just once and, well, IT'S DORITOS and BEAN DIP!  But protein and v8 nutrition did not have my body egging on my Fucked up FATmerican mind with a starving, hungry, nutritionally  void belly EVEN when it said, "But it's the SuperBowl!"

Problem #4.75:  "Oh here, I got you some Cashew so that we wouldn't be all eating in front of you."  My aunt is a total sweetheart.  She knows I stay away from fatty junk food because I want to be healthy, so she got me a "healthy" alternative to Doritos and bean dip (I do always say Nuts are natures Doritos- which I stand behind still).  I thanked her and threw them in my purse.

The calories in an entire bag of nuts terrified me.  The Doritos and Bean Dip right in front of me enticed the fat girl inside of me.  The alcohol and previous nights binge haunted me.  Monday's weigh in lurked just around the corner, paralyzing me.

I distracted myself with Scrabble on my iPhone (I was playing against my Aunt and my cousins boyfriend who was sitting in the front seat - we all have iPhones - get one they're amazing!), fueled with fear and motivation alike.  I want to be skinny.  I don't want to make matters worse on the scale.  This seems like a good jump off little challenge - Go! Fight! Win!

I came home and drank a protein shake, I wasn't really happy with myself for doing this but I calmed by thinking that it was an investment of sorts.  Keep my body nourished now, so I don't wake up all starving and binge.

I win.

I woke up this morning fine and even a little motivated at yesterdays small success to keep this thing going.  The scale kind of put a damper on things until I started writing this post and realizing how much worse it could have been.  But even with the initial sadness of the scales numbers came determination to lose,  I can't be 122, it is no longer acceptable when I was holding it down at 117 for so long.  I made myself a shake, distracted myself and now I'm drinking coffee and distracting myself with this post!

I feel good, not starving, not hungry, there is a slight nagging of mind wanting me to eat but there really is nothing I actually want.  (Thank you might protein shake! And coffee!)  I'm looking forward to my next post when I get to tell you how day 2 was a success!

I am in control of me, 

relinquishing this control is saying that something else is more than me. 

It is not.

I am stronger than food.

I am the strength that will grant me my dreams.