Wednesday, September 2, 2009

A Spark of Emotion ~ All Pensive-like

"My body doesn’t feel hunger or fullness anymore. It doesn’t feel anything. It’s all numb inside." ~Ophelia @ A Head Full Of Beauty
This is the feeling of a bulimic. This is what it's like to binge/purge.
To me anyway.

I'm still going on sans b/p and you know what? I'm emotional as hell! I'm discovering that I am uber sensitive person and I feel everything! When I am paying attention, I am feeling. I'm not just listening or watching-I am going through emotions. When you are hurt, happy, body, mind, spirit are mimicking that emotion and all of me is there with you. And then there are my emotions there too, my reaction.

And you know what?
It's exhausting.
And you know what else?
When it rains it pours. And I don't want to feel anything.
I crave numbness.

"My body doesn’t feel hunger or fullness anymore. It doesn’t feel anything. It’s all numb inside." ~Ophelia @ A Head Full of Beauty
When I binge it's like this eery haze that infiltrates my brain, rendering it useless-numb. The haze will fade once the food supply does. Now, replaced with realization and overwhelming panic we move onto to Step 2: Purge.

Purging is not like a haze. It's control. It's determination. It's power? I tell you what to do, Body! I say jump (...well, you get it). Purging for me is entering a different state of mind that I must delve into. I must take control and drown my thoughts, my senses, my body-convincing, brainwashing it that this is it's only option.

When it's over there is nothing of me, only the real numbness that I craved when overwhelming emotion plagued me.

It's been a while since I b/p'd (What? I'm allowed to keep bringing it up-I'm PROUD of myself!!) but I do still crave that empty numb nothingness, but I also fear it. It's a packaged deal, there are consequences and a life (and body) that go along with it and it scares me more than it tempts me to return to it.

Am I just on a lucky streak?
Making a life change?

I dunno.

As a result of being a bag of emotions (emotions on steroids) I'm not one of those people who can be around people all of the time. I need my alone time. Time to sort my thoughts. Time to relax. Time for quiet. Otherwise, it's just too much. I hope that I can learn to control what I feel and/or learn to handle my emotions properly. I really don't want to be the Lonely Crazy Cat Lady on the Corner who wears snorkeling gear when it rains.

Because I don't really like cats that much.

Note: 1 and a half ciggs were all I smoked the other day...haven't had nor truly wanted one since :) It's a stress/emotional thing. I meant that it's better than Mia because I know that it's not a "Black Hole" trying to swallow me whole the way Mia is to me.


  1. That numbness is my whole life. It's bizarre and almost indescribable. Wondering around in the supermarket without any real control at all. Just picking things up and buying them. No thoughts except the KNOWING that it has to be done. And doing it, not tasting it, just doing it. And exactly as you say, that punishment that is purging. You MUST do this. You have no choice. You deserve it. I hate you. And finding any which way to do it. Once my body won't purge for me any more, a litre of salty water with bicarb will usually do the job. Forcibly and uncontrollably. Through my noise. It burns. And feels like I am drowning.

  2. beautiful post. OF COURSE you can keep bringing it up - its a massive achievement!!! Giving into it is the easy option, and you have found the strength to overcome that.
    It's an uphill battle that i'm not sure we can afford to lose...

  3. Wow. You're doing great at not binging and purging! That's such a huge deal. You're even so in control that you're resisting it when you're emotional--amazing. And the cigarette thing too! Bravo! Stay strong hunny. I'm so proud of you.


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